Acute Ninja Syndrome

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Acute Ninja Syndrome is a highly contagious, debilitating disease affecting the central nervous system.

Infection and incubation[edit]

Acute Ninja Syndrome (ANS) is a relatively new phenomenon, but a particularly dangerous one, and epidemiologists have devoted a great amount of time and resources to understanding this grave threat to the public welfare.

Acute Ninja Syndrome can be acquired in a number of different ways: as an e-mail attachment, a link from another website, surfing, or even just exposure to another person with ANS. However, most researchers attribute the original source of ANS to the website (a funny enough site in its own right, but which inadvertently inspired the rise of ANS, much as Nietzsche inadvertently inspired the rise of fascism). After exposure, the victim has an almost 100% chance of contracting the disease, though the time until onset of symptoms may very from a few minutes to several months. Almost immediately, ANS goes to work attacking the lateral and frontal lobes of the brain, the areas most responsible for good judgment and maintaining the sense of humor.


Within moments of infection, the patient suffers atrophy of the humorous cortex. The primary outward symptoms of Acute Ninja Syndrome include:

  • An obsession with ninja and ninja-related "humor."
  • A fallacious and warped perspective on humor (namely, that humor cannot exist without ninja and that ninja make anything funny).
  • A severe "ninja-enema complex," characterized by the introduction of ninja to places they do not belong.
  • A severe "ninja profanity enema complex," characterized by the excessive use of profanity and/or obscenity -- usually, but not always, ninja-related -- where it does not belong.
  • Decay of verbal skills, in which the patient reverts to childhood vocabulary for parts of the anatomy and cheesy 1980's slang.
  • General and overall unfunniness.

Examples of ANS[edit]

The following examples of Acute Ninja Syndrome are typical examples of humor created by ANS patients:

"Margaret Thatcher was a bad-ass ninja who one time totally fucked up Tony Blair because he made fun of ninjas."

"The YMCA is an underground training facility for homosexuals, lifeguards, and ninjas, which is dedicated to preserving the Ninja Way."

"Knock Knock.
Who's there?
A ninja, motherfucker! Ha ha ha ha, I'm gonna cut off your wiener, bitch!"

"[Insert Historical Figure Here] was a ninja, but nobody knew it, and he killed all kinds of people."

"My Uncyclopedia article about the Irish Potato Famine sucked, until a squadron of Ninjas came in and bitch-slapped all the snakes out and totally revolutionized the agricultural systems of the Western World. And if you don't believe me, a ninja will castrate you in your sleep, but you won't even know it cuz they're that FUCKING BADASS!!!!!!!!!"

Another example of a Acute ninja syndrome sufferer is Aaron Gordon this is just one reason he is so awesome.

"Telephone poles are mammals."

Diagnosis and treatment[edit]

It is easy to find people afflicted with ANS, and it is even easier to judge the lifestyle which may or may not have led to their acquiring this awful disease. Our job as a society is not to judge, but to help the victims pick up the pieces and move on. With treatment, it is even possible to reverse the course of ANS.

If you or someone you know needs treatment, find a good therapist, or better yet, just try reading your own writing.

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