Who runs the world? The corporations? The CIA? Freemasons? No. The world is run by a secret cabal of ninjas. This idea makes a startling amount of sense once you think about it: after all, the two main requirements of a shadow government is that (1) it is covert, and (2) it assassinates people who get in its way. Who, after all, is more qualified to act covertly and assassinate people than a ninja? Plus, they can kick major ass. High level ninjas can do incredible feats like levitating, breaking boards with their heads, killing people by staring at them really hard, and folding little birds and stuff out of tiny squares of paper.
Evidence for the Ninja Conspiracy
- The United States flag. The blue symbolizes twilight, the condition in which ninjas work best. The stars symbolize ninja throwing stars, the weapons of the ninja. Red stripes symbolize the rivers of blood left by those felled by the ninjas. The white doesn't symbolize anything; it just makes a nice contrast with the red and the blue.
- The U.S. dollar. The leaves and green ink symbolize vegetation. What do ninjas conceal themselves in when they are outside? That's right. Vegetation. The pyramid with the eye: what does that have to do with ninjas? Absolutely nothing. That's right, it's a red herring, designed to make you think that ninjas aren't involved. The clearest evidence of ninja conspiracy yet.
- Seen any pirates around lately? Of course not. Ninjas hate pirates. Ever wonder where all the pirates went? Now you know.
History of the Ninja Conspiracy
Ninjas were not always the rulers of the world. Once, they were merely hired guns. Well, figuratively speaking. Ninjas don't use guns. They are ninjas, after all. They use throwing stars, knives, ropes. Well, maybe they would use a gun, but only if it shot throwing stars or rope or something. Anyway, the point is they killed people. Who? Whoever they were told to. Ninjas aren't big on asking questions. Actually, ninjas don't really talk much at all (although they may yell expressively when leaping). That whole lack of talking thing is another reason why ninjas are good to have as a part of your conspiracy, since being a conspirator means you can't go around bragging to everyone that you're in a secret shadow conspiracy.
Anyhow, in the 1960s a major war took place between the various factions vying for control of the Shadow Government: the Argentine Nazis, the Israelis, the CIA, the Freemasons, the Communists, and the Walt Disney Company. When the dust had settled, most of the leaders of these factions were dead and the ninjas were left in power.
Many former U.S. presidents were ninjas. Thomas Jefferson was a Ninja president. So was Grover Cleveland. Nixon wasn't, of course (if he had been, they wouldn't have gotten caught during Watergate). Clinton wanted to be a ninja, but couldn't pass the physical (Hillary, though? Highest level ninja). George Bush Senior was a ninja, but despite his father's best efforts to influence the decisions of the Ninja Council, George W. flunked out of ninja school. Twice. Ninja are farr runing. COCAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Current Business of the Ninja Conspiracy
The ninja conspiracy is currently involved in a number of projects.
- hiding secret technology, like car engines that run on water, faster-than-light drives, and frictionless sandpaper.
- suppressing evidence of aliens.
- making up evidence of aliens.
- starting wars- ninjas started World War I, World War II, the Korean War, the Cola Wars.
- producing Celine Dion albums.
- inventing the ultimate weapon: the thirty-seven point throwing star.
- global warming.
- spreading killer bees.
- trying to invent new and more comfortable kinds of black cloth.