Nintendo

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Nintendo seal.gif

“What?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Nintendo

“O.o”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nintendo

“Touching is good.”

~ Michael Jackson on the Nintendo DS

“This fucking article is preventing me from studying for finals.”

~ Miley Cyrus on Fuckin' Nintendo...and child porn laws

“The original Nintendo was the best. You can't improve on the original Nintendo. The only thing that could have made it better is if it had actually fuckin worked.”

~ Kyle Cease on Nintendo

“WE HAVE 2 WORDS FOR YA..... TOUCH IT!!!!!! ”

~ D-X on Nintendo DS

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“Who needs a life when you have Nintendo!”

~ Anoynomous Virgin on Nintendo

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Nintendo is an Ancient Religion unearthed in the year 1889 A.D. by the legendary Archeologist, Shigeru Miyamoto. This religion captured their gods (like Mario, Link, Samus and Kirby) and imprisoned them in plastic cartridges that made the gods obey who ever possessed the cartridges (Shigeru upgraded from cartridges to discs because cartridges are lame). In 1983 the religion regained popularity when Christianity, Judaism, and Buddhism were killed by an alien that can make bicycles fly (if you don't know who I'm talking about then go here ---> E.T.). It is the state religion of Japan, Örebro City, parts of the USA and Canada, and Heaven. When new religions that could also imprison gods in plastic discs, like PlayStationism 3 or Xboxanity 360 tried to overthrow Nintendo, it started the 2nd Holy War (also known as the Next-Gen Console War). Xboxanity 360 was able to drive out much of Nintendo from the USA, and PlayStaionism converted all the citizens of Örebro City to PlayStaionism 3. After 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 years of fighting, Nintendo, PlayStationism 3, and Xboxanity 360 signed a peace treaty and the 2nd Holy War ended. Nintendo was still very powerful in Japan and in 1992 Nintendo bought out the Empire of Japan and are now the leading political party within the state. The slogan of the Nintendo religion is "Gotta bone'em All".

Nintendo loves huge boners.


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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nintendo.

The Birth And Death Of The Mario Bros[edit]

Born in South-Eastern Europe in 1383, Mario Mario grew up in poverty with his brother, Luigi Mario(AKA the "King of Second Bannanas"). One reason for this is because the brothers' natural talent of shitting went untapped for centuries, until Sir John Harrington invented the toilet. Of course, there were no pipes to plumb, but they did a good deal of ripping people off and taking their money princesses from Bowser. Mario was arrested at the age of 213, and died in prison. His brother was gunned down at the scene of the arrest and marinated in his own ragu. This is definitely not a Robot Chicken reference....

666 years after these events, as Mario and Luigi lay dormant in their crypts, a group of wandering teenagers (including young Shigeru Miyamoto) were supposed to be on a "camping trip" that they planned for years, but their car had suddenly ran out of mushrooms, so they split up into groups of three. One with one guy and a dog, the other two one girl and one guy, and young Shigeru, who went off on his own... Anyway, the group that had the Black Jock and the Ugly Teen Girl stumbled across the house and had the fantastic idea of going in when no one answered to see if they could:

  1. Ask for directions.
  2. See if they could get any spare mushrooms.
  3. Call for help.
  4. Borrow a condom.
  5. Cake.

But on their escapades through the house they noticed something very odd, though everything was horribly dirty, it appeared all the faucets and plumbing worked correctly and seem to flush just the right about, they wondered if the house could possibly be inhabited by a family of fat plumbers...

They then stumbled into the back room. *Overdramatic Lighting*. Here they discovered a coffin, though the girl was terrified, the Jock was a cocky little Prick and decided to open it up, while she went round the room looking at the vast array of books. Within the coffin was the cold corpse of a green-suited plumber. Cold. Lifeless. Dead.

However, the Nerdy Girl decides that a green plumbing guide is the most interesting thing there, and she reads the incantation on the front and, LOW AND BEHOLD, Luigi is back, and commences in killing the Jock (remember, the black guy always dies first...racist bastards) and kills the Ugly Teen Girl by jumping on her head. Penis.

He then continues to kill them all until the last girl, the smart mysterious one, the dog and young Shigeru meet and work together to take down Luigi, horribly killing him with a technique known as 'Crushed By Too Many Cans Of Mountain Dew'.

BUT! When they tried to escape from the house a mysterious figure swoops down and kills the dog. As the mysterious figure turns to the remaining teenagers it yells in a horrible italian accent, "It's-a-me! MARIO!". The remaining teenagers tried to run but they couldn't escape. One by one they were picked off, first the girl and then the smart mysterious one. Young Shigeru was able to get to the door but before he could turn the knob, Mario Grabbed his arm and dragged him down a warp pipe to bowsers castle where they had the final battle. Shigeru jumped over Mario and hit a button at the end of the bridge, killing Mario in a pool of molten magma. Shigeru Miyamoto would later make a game about that night which was called Super Mario Bros.

Nintendo Inc.[edit]

In the early 1900's, Nintendo started off as a hardcore-orgy sex house, by horny yakuza men patented the company " Nintendo Incorporated." They created "Handafunda" cards, which were essentially breasts on hot sluts. More whorish women attempted to help the company become sexier, but were then locked in a house and were send back in time. These women were known as Geishas. Little did the men who locked them up know, they would start the entire ring of Japanese Prostitution. Thanks be praised! The game name Super Smash Bros refers to 10,000 Nintendo employees all calling geishas on the same night, the hotlines where all busy and erotic bars were all booked out, they refer it as the "smash up" night, not the "hitting on" as we know it as.

The heads of Nintendo Inc., which was at this point worth about 123 Yen, decided to look into magical arts, after sending the Geishas back in time. On a trip to Egypt, they discovered the two unfailing branches of magic, Black magic and White magic. However, they had no idea what treachery was soon to follow.

Within the first few years after the release of the original Nintendo 8bit system, Zelda emerged as one of the most promising games of our generation. The public was later informed that Link, the heroic main character, was actually modeled and created to represent a 14 year old prostitute who would stand in the streets of Japan, selling what he called 'Rupees'...which actually was a code word for 'fist fuck.'

The Soft Squares[edit]

The President of Nintendo Inc., who was aptly named "Prez," sought to promote equality throughout his company. Ironically, he had a strict "AZN's Only" policy on new employees. Anyway, he released the secret of Black magic jujitsu throughout the branches of his company, but only taught White magic to those who had been with Nintendo for more than a week.

The new employees did not look kindly on this. Seeing as they all had the same level of erectile dysfunction, they thought this was a prejudice, which was totally true. They formed a group known as the "Soft Squares." Soft, referencing their affliction, and Square, they just thought it'd be a cool combination. They raided Prez's house in the middle of the night, hoping to steal the secret of White magic.

Once they got into the house, they raped his three daughters and his twenty prostitutes with the help of the Black magic spell "Strengthen Wood." Feeling accomplished enough, they left. About eight hours later, they realized they forgot the white magic, and went back to Prez's house. They found that all twenty five members of the household (Prez, his wife, his daughtes, and all of his "bitches") had committed seppuku The Soft Squares cast "Fira" on the house, stole the "Scroll of White Magic," and ran off into the night, never to be seen again.

Some suppose they stuck together and formed the now-famous "SquareSoft," using their prowess in Black and White magic to form witty and powerful characters in their video games. The company then fell promptly once every single member was violently murdered via Nintendo's Black Magic Jujitsu Ninjas.

Healing Nintendo Inc.[edit]

Nintendo's worst game, but only bad game, why do you think every consul they make prints mone?

Prez's life-long friend, Oscar Wilde, took temporary control of the company. Wilde, however, had better things to do, so he created Satoru Iwata, an Asian Sensation, to head the company. After many years of repair, the Iwata decided to look into Electronic Entertainment.

The Human Gallbladder[edit]

Otherwise known as a cholecyst, it is a pear-shaped organ that stores about 50 ml of bile (or "gall") until the body needs it for digestion. It is also rumored to be the name of Nintendo's next handheld device that will be released in the next two to one-hundred years.(or when people start throwing out their old ds systems. Oh yeah, it also may be titled Nindildo)

The Bros. Return[edit]

Iwata secretly tried to solve the mystery behind the twenty-five suicides that gave him his power. To do this, he created a magic portal in Ass, Italy, from which crawled many horrible demons. Iwata was inspired by these demons to create some really badass games. However, he was pretty much screwed over, because...they were demons.

Luckily, seconds before death, two men in bright red and green clothes came from the portal. Using fireballs, hammers, and sometimes even jumping, the Mario Bros. saved Iwata. Iwata decided with this power, he could rule the world. He made Mario and Luigi generals of his new underground army, but continued to provide glorious entertainment for children and adults alike. Now the Mario Bros. kill all who deny the unending power of Nintendo.

The Nintendo cyborg[edit]

Nintendo was secretly implanting chips in every one of there products! They are working on a cyborg that will kill mankind, nintendo are calling it "the most famaly friendly evil killer robot ever designed" and will play the super mario bros tune wile torturing you, it will send you a warning in the form of wii messige over nintendo wi-fi, this gives the victim enough time to get out all of their super mario merchandise to prove the robot how much they love nintendo, leading to a quicker death. The chip inside the current consoles changes the nintendo product to a cyborg once the boss cyborg Nintendo is making sends a special message.

That is why I am warning you. Especially Wii and DS users, the Wii are the most powerful cyborg. They use nunchuks and remotes. It also combines any electronics to it self. No, I am not joking it could combine with a 48 inch TV. The DS uses a DS stylus, except it sharpens it and stabs you with it, it oftens disguise as a normal ds sometime to hide it's idenity. The cyborg is due for release in late 200X so no worries, you probably won't see it in your lifetime, since you will mistake it for a R.O.B. sitting next to your old NES with an evil laser pointer.

Nintendo's Master Plan[edit]

On the release of Sony's 60GB PS3, Nintendo, laughing at it, decided to make an evil master plan that would destroy Sony. They sent a CD of Mario using Eye Beams to the Sony bosses, and hypnotised them into taking the 60GB out of production. Nintendo then forced the Sony executives to make a 40GB PS3 that did not play PS2 games, and an 80GB that will cost $1,000,000. The next stage of the plan involves the creation of a 20GB model that doesn't play PS3 games either, and a 0GB model that plays Wii and Xbox 360 games. The 0GB model is basically a bulky black target for legal action (for copyright breaches).

Famous Quotes From the Wii Guys[edit]

  • "Wii would like to play."
  • "Wii would like to kick your ass for not wanting to play."
  • "Wii would like to exchange this extra Wii remote for an AK-47 in case no one wants to play."
  • "I broke my Wii."
  • "She loves to play with my Wii"
  • "Playing with my Wii is so much damn fun!"
  • "I play with my Wii all the fucking time!"
  • "I'm playing with my Wii!"*
  • "Playing with my Wii is so much fun!"
  • "I invited my girlfriend over to play with my Wii and she broke it."
  • "Have I said how much I like playing with my Wii?"
  • "Wow, Wii've seen better graphics on an Intellivision." - (on Tiger Woods 08)
  • "Why can't Wii move and aim at the SAME TIME?!?" - (on Red Steel)
  • "You mean Nintendo's releasing an add on? That improves the control of the Wiimote? That matches your movements better? That should have been released at FUCKING LAUNCH IN THE GODDAMN WIIMOTE IN THE FIRST PLACE? (THAT COULDN'T BE RELEASED AT THE FUCKING LAUNCH IN THE GODdAMN WIIMOTE IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES?!?!?!?!) AND IT'S NOT BACKWARD COMPATIBLE WITH OLDER GAMES? Wii would like to kill you." - (On Nintendo being Nintendo)
  • "Wii would like to know why Wii bought this damn thing." - (What they say 15 minutes before posting it on Ebay.)
  • "I've gotaa Wii Wii."
  • "Wii would like to trade this in for a ps3"

Misc. Facts[edit]

The Nintendo staff on a joy ride.
President Satoru Iwata releasing his kung-fu wrath on a computer monitor!

obama Omama biduigi is also a character Nintendo and the Internet are like oil and water...it just doesn't work.

before 1985 Nintendo was known as Nofundo.

  • Ass, Italy was completely leveled by the demons that continued spewing from the portal.
  • Shameless advertising techniques like paying people to create dummy propaganda accounts (e.g. Geraint Richards who does not exist)
  • 2 out of 3 virgins say Nintendo is better than sex
  • Nintendo is trying to go Bankrupt after the Prez was possesed by a demon which did not spring from Italy, but sprung from Chef's arse.
  • Iwata completely forgot about Prez's death, and didn't actually care to begin with. In fact, Nobody cares.
  • If a Nintendo fan sees you playing a game that's not made by Nintendo, they will attempt to brutally stab you,then watch joyfully as you writhe in pain while stating that it was for the good of mankind. Then a warp pipe will magically come out of the ground and they will throw your body into it, where you are eaten, dead or alive, by a hideous green dinosaur named Yoshi.
  • Because Nintendo fans never stop playing they have too eat their own flesh or die from hunger.
  • In Mexico, Nintendo is called Nientiendo.
  • In China, Nintendo is called iQue.

Since then of the last since then, he has enlisted the following people into his army:

Since then, many others have been enlisted into this conquering army.

Many others were also enlisted, but I don't really give a damn about them, and don't want to think about them.

The Nintendo Wars[edit]

Since this army has been made, 3 wars have broken out inside the army. These wars were called "Super Smash Bros." for some reason. These enlisted army members fought between themselves many times. Some have died in these wars, and were replaced by new members.

As "Young Link" was replace by "Toon Link" after War 2 (melee). And "Roy" was replaced by "Ike" after War 2. Now both are fighting in War 3 (brawl). "Mewtwo" is believed to be Missing In Action and the whereabouts of "Mewone" are still unknown. We now know the whereabouts of "Mewtwo". He's dead, his position has been filled by Lucario in Smash War three.

External Links (with HDMI)[edit]

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