No Child Left Behind

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A herd of small children fighting amongst themselves over who gets to mate.

No Child Left Behind is a wildlife protection plan initiated by the WWF to protect the endangered species known as todlerus annoyunus, or "Small Child". In the NCFB, small children around the country are rounded up and placed in Wildlife Protection Facilities to be studied further and to gauge the damage they can cause, and to see if they can be used as a biological weapon. Interestingly enough, the No Child Left Behind act actually leaves a lot of children behind, which partially contributes to their endangerment in the first place.

Small Children[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about No Child Left Behind.

Small Children are one of the most dangerous, destructive, and evil species on the face fo the earth. Look at them! That hideously smooth skin, those gaps in their teeth! It's evil grin! The child is pure evil.

The Origin of Todlerus Annoyunus[edit]

The evolution of the desturctive toddler begins as far back as the Stone Age, when regular children underwent a mutation that made them suppresively violent, cruel, and removed their Potty Training from their minds completely. The survival tactic of being able to pee and throw up on everything is apparently critical to the survival of the todlerus species.

Two small children torturing a helpless animal

After a while, they became stronger, more cunning, and extremely prone to destruction. They cannot be held in a single place for too long, unless the place happens to be well-insured against toddler-based home damage. They become extremely irritable, because they want their candy NOW! The final evolutionary adaptation was a resourcefulness to use regular toys from Fisher-Price as weapons of torture and destruction.

Physical Description and Behaviors[edit]

The small child is usually not taller than 3 feet, with red eyes disguised behind color contacts from their parents. They are extremely dangerous, as they can Cry, Poop, and throw up all over you.

They vary in hair and skin color, but this variety is only used to attract mates for procreation of the small child species. Because of this, many small children have been lost to cooties.

They tend to be extremely destructive, screaming very loudly and causing mass destruction in public places when they don't get the Candy that they want, embarassing the parents that they own in order to teach them a lesson. When all else fails, they self-destruct, damaging themselves by banging their head against the wall, clawing at their faces, and maybe hit themselves on the head with a baseball bat seven or eight times.

The History of No Child Left Behind[edit]

If you see this sign, run for your life.

One of the presidents of the United States, (we aren't sure which one), made it one of their decrees to handle the increasing rate of growth in the population of small children and the increasing danger of child-infested areas. In order to find the areas with the highest levels of child infestation, the White House conducted a survey among America's child molesters--the only people not afraid to go near small children. The result: schools!

Several more actions were taken: Areas were marked off as being Child-Infested (pictured). Several users of Uncyclopedia were banned for being small children (characterized by their tendency to add "FUCK FUCK FUCKING" to the beginning of every sentence). Child Hubs, also known as Playgrounds, began to erupt all over the country, mainly in parks where there was nothing to see anyway.

Eventually, the World Wildlife Fund passed the No Child Left Behind act to save them from extinction, mainly because they wanted to do something with all the money they made from their polar bear ads. The act would block off sections for wildlife, financially protect people from small children, and protect the children themselves from people of lesser moral values.

Present Day[edit]

No Child Left Behind works.

Today, even more children have been left behind than ever before in history, which just goes to show you how well-organized and effecient the WWF is. However, the organization has succeeded in saving the small child from extinction from ads encouraging people not to use condoms, resulting in many angry teenage parents and even brattier kids than there were before. Everybody was angered with the WWF, but they soon released another polar bear ad and everyone forgave them.

Future Plans[edit]

The WWF plans to change it's name at some point during the year of 2009, then drop funding for the NCFB program in 2010. Tons of people will cheer at this and throw all the small children out in the street, causing the rate of homeless to skyrocket. A parade is thrown in the WWF's honor, and yes, they can see the future. The end result will be that all children will be left behind.

See Also[edit]