Nobel Prize for Being Bono
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In 1987, the Nobel Prize committee awarded the first Nobel Prize for being Bono. Ozzy Osbourne, the lead singer of Black Sabbath, was surprised and humbled to receive the award.
In the years leading up to the first award, committee members debated about whether or not such a prize should, in fact, be awarded. They decided that the award should be given to a person who:
- Is able to perform his or her duties in such a way as to promote world peace and harmony.
- Is unable to actually explain what he or she actually does to help the world.
- Has a recognisable public persona that is able to simultaneously generate both respect and annoyance in his or her persona.
- Is often unable to be fully understood on a whole range of subjects.
- Is able to articulate his or her passion through their public work without actually being able to explain what they are being passionate about.
- Is Bono.
Bono's acceptance speech
Hi. Well this is, yar, well, a real surprise... I mean, yar. Me and the boys from the rest of the band are pretty well choofed to, ah, for me to, yar, get this, and, you know it all sorta started bark in seventies when we were, ah, listening to Patti Smith records and the clap records, and, ah, you see we all went to Mount Temple High School, and that was, you know, a pretty cool place to go if you were a proddie because there was no, ah, sectarian stuff going on, and, one day Larry, well he put up a notice at school advertising for a barnd, and I said to Dave, I mean Edge, that that pipsqueak in one of the lower classes is trying to start a barnd, and Dave sorta said well I carn't really play guitar but I reckon we should try it and I said well Dave I reckon I'm a better guitar player'n you and he said yer we'll see and then we turned oop and there was this guy there named Adam and he looked the real part I mean he had the Fender Bass and he had beads on and some sunglasses and Larry was there and he was like 15 at the time so he looked like a real welsh rabbit banging away at this cheap drumkit his ma had bought him from top shop and I turned to Dave and said these guys look pretty weird and he said yar well I reckon I can play better guitar n' you and then he hooked up his Gibson Explorer into one of Larry's cheap transistorised amps and started playing and it was awful and then I took over and for the life of me I couldn't get any chords right 'cause like the night before I had been practising on my da's spanish guitar which has like plastic strings and a really high fret and I'd ripped the skin off me fingers and I couldn't write that day at school so I was even worse than Dave which was really embarrassing you know and Larry said that there was no way he'd let me in his barnd so I went in the corner and put on an Alice Cooper record and then Adam starting playing his bass along with it and I started singing and Dave told to shut the feck up cause he was trying to tune his guitar down a third or something and I told him to get fecked and yar well here we are today and I'd just like to thank everyone for being here and I hope that things can be great and thanks for this Nobel Prize.
List of Winners
- 1987 - Ozzy Osbourne, lead singer of British Rock Band Black Sabbath. Awarded for him being Bono.
- 1988 - Barrie Unsworth, former Premier of NSW. Awarded for his achievements as premier.
- 1989 - Bobo, clown. Awarded accidentally after typographical mistake (panel had decided to award Lobo originally).
- 1990 - Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, first president of the Republic of Turkey. Awarded posthumously for being awarded the Nobel Prize for being Bono posthumously (awarded posthumously).
- 1991 - Nicholas Payton, musician. Awarded for his trumpet work on the Daniel Lanois album For the Beauty of Wynona.
- 1992 - Wil Wheaton, actor. Awarded for his performance in the TV film The Last Prostitute 
- 1993 - Maynard James Keenan, musician for American band Tool. Awarded for his singing and lyric writing on the album Brown Magic and Big Appetites - Music from the movie soundtrack Jelly Donut
- 1994 - Barry George Cooper, cricketer. Awarded for his innings of 32 for Northern Districts vs Canterbury at Hamilton, New Zealand.
- 1995 - The letter "F", without whom freedom would never exist.
- 1996 - ` and ~, without whom the top left hand corners of computer Keyboards would remain unfilled.
- 1997 - The Nobel Prize for Being Bono voting panel and organising committee, in recognition of their ten years of hard work in awarding the Nobel Prize for Being Bono.
- 1998 - The FN FAL 7.62x51mm NATO self loading, selective fire rifle.
- 1999 - Charles Barkley, basketball player and world-renowned loudmouth. Awarded for serving as the honorary auctioneer at the inaugural Cottage Cheese festival in Lesotho.
- 2000 - Larry Mullen Junior, drummer for Irish Rock Band U2. Awarded for his singing and lyric writing on the album All That You Can't Leave Behind.
- 2001 - Keanu Keeves, actor. Awarded for his role as Neo in the science fiction film The Matrix.
- 2002 - Chuck Norris, ass kicker, Awarded because he threatened the panel of judges with a roudhouse kick.
- 2003 - Peter Woodthorpe, voice actor. Awarded for his portayal of Gollum in the BBC Radio production of The Lord of the Rings
- 2004 - G. William Miller, economist. Awarded for his 17 month work as Chairman of the Federal Reserve from 1978 to 1979.
- 2005 - Paula Worstell, minute taker, 1998 meeting of curators for the Index to Marine & Lacustrine Geological Samples. For her precise handwriting skills.
- 2006 - Axl Rose, the singer for Guns N' Roses, for being a godamn douche, like Bono.
- 2007 - Rick Parfitt of Status Quo, for being Rick Parfitt.
- 2008 - Jeff Goldblum, Actor, Singer, Ventriloquist, Blacksmith, Abortionist, for creating the worlds first fusion energy toothbrush by accident
- 2009 - Vectorman, Garbage Cleaning Robot, for being a B-list videogame celebrity and saving future Earth from, go figure, evil robots. And also for being outshadowed by Sonic the Hedgehog as best Sega videogame character.