North Daquota

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The state superhero, Dakota Fanning, protector of truth, justice, and the most useful state in the whole goddamn union. Note, no North Dakotan actually knows who Dakota Fanning is.

“Where's South Carolina?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Dakota

“We're beter than all you BITCHEZ!!”

~ NorthDakotamegageek on other states

“Oh gee golly. BARF.”

~ Fargo police chief Marge Simpson Gunderson Palin, one reason affirmative action to hire pregnant women to work is silly

“I did not have sexual relations with that women.”

~ Bill Clinton on the non-existent myth of North Dakota

This article is about a non-existent mythical place and not about an existent mythical place like the article on South Dakota.


The Miserable Hellhole of North Dakota was originally called Dakota in honor of the Dakota Sioux which the white man found in this area and quickly eradicated. A dispute erupted over the value of the scalps taken off Sioux warriors and the southern portion of the territory split off and became Dakota also. Both Dakotas entered the union on Nov. 2, 1889 after a coin toss determining which state was going to be named North Dakota and which state was going to be named South Dakota. Shortly after that the compass was introduced into the region and the citizens breathed a collective sigh of relief upon discovering they finally go something right. This was the last documented incident of any Dakotan citizen being right.

The people of North Dakota do not like to be referred to as 'NoDaks', preferring instead the term 'MoBettahDaks'. The women of North Dakota are called HoDaks and are very popular at Minnesota Polka festivals. North Dakotans generally recognize that none of this matters since they have the two tallest structures in the world in their state, which is compensating for a direct reflection of their manhood.

The second best state in the Union (the best being, according to North Dakotans, British Columbia), it is the only state that Russia truly fears due to its enormous nuclear arsenal. Due to the "North" part of Dakota, North Dakota and North Korea have officially announced there planned "friendship games". Supreme Commander of North Korea and Supreme Governor of North Dakota Kim John Hoeven have announced the exchange of Nukes to N. Korea for North Korean aid to North Dakota (yes its really that bad) There is a planned summit for the two leaders to meat in Pyongbismarck, South Dakota.

Sadly North Dakota is just there to make it a round 50 states and to make the border between Canada and US look good. It was decided who would have to get North Dakota [Canada or US] by a best of 7 rock-paper-scissors match, and Canada won. A little know provision in the U.S. Constitution says that when Puerto Rico becomes a state North Dakota and South Dakota must merge because there just isn't any way to make a 51 star flag symmetrical.

Major Cities[edit]

To qualify as a major city in North Dakota, you must have at least twenty-four people in your town. One must be a woman to ensure that the population continues to boom. A simple majority must be white and members of the American Nazi Party.

  • Shortstay (Half of city located in Minnesota)
  • Exit 83 Rest Stop
  • Name the state capital named for a German Leader. HITLER! (heeek! wrong.)Bismarck? (ding, ding, ding! correct!)
  • Mott
  • Hoople (these two are actually real)
  • Grand Forks
  • Hebron
  • Not-So-Grand Forks
  • Heinous Forks
  • In-yo-eye-muthafukka Forks
  • Road Forks
  • Just Plain Forks
  • Fork U.
  • Forking Forks
  • Fargo? Ya, yoo betcha
  • Silver Forks
  • Brass Forks
  • Rusty Forks
  • Spoon (All kinds, this is actually a Native American settlement)

Note: In the movie, that woman is a cop and very pregnant. She's the real life inspiration for Sarah Palin. Not recommended for pregophiles. (Wal-mart is a STORE!)

Interesting Facts[edit]

North Daquota license plate, if you see more than two of these in one day. You need to flee.

North Dakota was once a military base for the French Army in the 1960s. After the Cold War was over France surrendered to the left all of their nuclear warheads (literally more than anywhere else in North America) in large holes scattered around the state. To this day North Dakota is the only country that has won a war against France while being on their side. North Dakota is now the world's third-largest nuclear power, so if the Minnesotans don't stop blasting their rap music near the border at night, there will be consequences.

There is extensive debate among scholars today whether or not Napoleon Bonaparte named his first child "North Dakota" in honour of the Queen of Sweden, with whom he engaged in various sexual acts that led to pregnancy.

Recently there have been reports of one city in North Dakota that is inhabited by only Russo-Germans. These particular hybrids are some of the most worthless creatures to ever rule the Earth, only caring about wrestling(groping).

Bismarck, the capital, is coincidentally the nickname Joseph Stalin gave to his left testicle, ("Rutherford" was the other.) Joseph Stalin managed to copulate with various native North Dakotans by convincing the French President that his daughter, a lesbian, would be more than happy to build bridges naked in southern France. By doing this, the French president provided Stalin with a wooden boat with which he sailed to North Dakota to relieve.

It's a little know fact that Siberia actually sends the lowest of its criminal scum to North Dakota. This punishment is so severe, that prisoners sentenced with it often attempt suicide rather than die at the hands of the North Dakotans.

In actuality, North Dakota does exist. In the place where most maps show "North Dakota" there is an American state. The government keeps this a secret in order to prevent mass time-travel of the American people. Also, when the United States was designing a flag to represent its unity, it realized that having only 49 stars looked ridiculous, so the president decided to start the rumor of North Dakota in order to make the American Flag more aesthetically pleasing. Anyone and everyone who you meet who claims to be from or live in North Dakota are actually being paid off by the U.S. government to protect this conspiracy. Despite this, it still outscored all other states on the science section of the National Assessments of Educational Progress.

North Dakota is a state. The US government recognizes them. South Dakota is not recognized by the USA.

One Dakota?[edit]

Many people may ask why is there a North and South Dakota. They could not settle their differences so they started a war. They signed a peace treaty in 1999 to split them into two. This is similar to the Korean War and the Vietnam War.

In 2334, North Dakota takes over the world under the commander Zombie Kurt Cobian.

Major Colleges and Universities[edit]

The few researchers who have successfully made it out of North Dakota have reported no signs of an organized school system. "The closest thing we found to a highschool," reports Terry Robins, a scientist, "was a small grouping of Amish Children we found huddled around a copy of 'Where's Waldo.'

State Motto[edit]

"First line of defense against the Canadian horde!"

"It's 80 below with windchill out. The pick up won't start. Pipes are frozen. Could be worse."

"I shot the cow now what?"

"This place fuckin' sucks."

"NO THIS PLACE FREAKIN' ROCKS DUDE!! OMFG! :-D"

"Yeah, yoo betcha".

"It's North Dakota, dontcha know."

"Welcome to Baja Canada!"

Exports[edit]

The State exports of North Dakota are the highly sought after wind, snow, and nuclear missiles.

They also export things like cow manure and horse shit.

Methamphetamine also makes up a good portion of the clandestine export market, because it's truthy that it's here and someone's doing something about it.

Languages[edit]

North Dakotan is a unique language that muddles any word and the word "you" together to form a botched hybrid, ie. "Dontcha" or "betcha." It follows German sentence structure, ie "Betcha you can't leave the state, dontcha know?"

Correction: North Dakotan is a form of Norwegian-Danish-Swedish words and Canadian phrases. Yoo doontcha knooo what the heck they golly are toolking abooot frooom dang moooths. When you go farther north into the Canadian booorder, nearly everyone speaks Ukrainian due to Canada's multiculti "be a foreigner" mosaic policy, as well a few drunks: Frenchies and Injuns.

State Flower[edit]

  • Autumn-Harvested wheat stubble
  • Winter-Snow
  • Spring-Field dirt
  • Summer-Wheat

State Bush[edit]

Oh gee gohlly, noh plants to see there doohntcha knooh.

Population[edit]

Putting an exact number on the population of North Dakota is impossible. Many of its inhabitants are cold-hardened barbarians that can burrow in the snow, a trait they share with George Washington. They use this skill for hunting the white-tail deer, but many an unsuspecting visitor has been torn to shreds by a barrage of "Dontcha know?"s and "You betcha!"s.

State Anime[edit]

Guyver- a show abbout a device that exponentially enhances the capabilities of its host, co-host and band. (See Late Show).

Winnipeg not in North Dakota or the USA has a huge anime convention every year, because there's nothing to see or do or to live for in No. Dakota.

Crime[edit]

The Coen brothers made a documentary called "Fargo" that documented the only crime that was ever committed in North Dakota. It is the tale of a car salesman who hires two men to kidnap his wife for a ransom of $80,000. The crime sets off a chain of murders, which in turn are investigated by pregnant police chief Marge Gunderson. The film stars Frances McDormand, William H. Macy, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, and Harve Presnell. None of the film's action actually takes place in North Dakota, but the Coen Brothers were apparently unable to spell "Bemidji".

Government[edit]

Anarchism because government has yet to be invented in ND because of it's lack of population and extreme heat and cold waves.

State Tree[edit]

Telephone Pole (Telefonificus polaritarius)

State Symbol[edit]

The Ballpoint Pen.

One day far in the distant future, the cold and nuclear devices of North Dakota will escape and envelope the globe, at which time nuclear winter will begin, and the mutant Norwegian will say "Ha ha, now you're cold too, bitches," and humanity will be wiped off the face of the planet and will spread and control earth. And Hell will freeze over and the mutant Norwegians will be rulers of the underworld.

State Animals[edit]

Native Americans. The white supremacist mindset of these Nordic Aryans of the state is to keep them redskins down. Give them alcohol, smokes in forms of weed and federal welfare checks, or better yet deport them to where they came from (Canada). At least not many black people, except the Minot Air Force Base right by Williston. Gosh, gee dang golly skraelings. Prairie Dogs Everywhere you go those fukkin bitchez are there!!! They also signed to have those blown off the earth but the dumbass government and evironmentalists said it would ruin the food chain, THEY DONT EFFECT ANYTHING!!!!!

Darth Television Anti-North Dakota[edit]

In an interview President of Television Darth Television said he thought North Dakota was a boring state and should be destroyed. Many viewers agreed with this statement and thus voted for Darth TV, however North Dakota hasn't been destroyed...yet. -The ironic part about the election of Darth TV is that North Dakotans voted for North Dakota to be destroyed also. It is speculated that nothing has happened due to nuclear retribution.

North Dakota?[edit]

There are some scholars who debate whether or not North Dakota even exist. These scholars claim that when driving through "North Dakota" one is merely driving through Montana and seems to have gotten lost around Helena. Those who have claimed to have traveled to North Dakota have been found to be mentally incompetent; it has been proven that they were actually lost in northern South Dakota or, as previously mentioned, Montana. Other scholars believe that "North Dakota" is simply a state of mind; much like Brou Dalton. However since people do seem to live in a place called Fargo,(see the inspirational 1996 movie "Fargo") it is believed people who profess there is no North Dakota are really South Dakotans trying to undermine the North Dakotan Government. Or they're just communist.

Yet, others claim the government established the municipalities of Fargo, Bismark (see the most cliched "what's the capital of North Dakota" joke), Exit 83 Rest Stop, the Chuck Norris National Shrine and Roosevelt National Park in 1989 to deceive the public even more than they have (see below paragraph).

Another prominent theory involves the accusation that North Dakota is a government conspiracy initiated by Grover Cleveland devised to convince the general American public that there are indeed 50 states. This theory entails that the geographical area we believe is North Dakota is actually some manner of trans-dimensional wormhole that transports people to the Mongolian-Chinese Border. According to theorists, North Dakota's construction is scheduled to be finished in November of 2015.

North Dakotans are building a border fence right now to keep itself from the slack-jaw yokels from South Dakota (Fook them). Also they can't stand Minnesotans, Montanans and Manitobans. But the main focus need to drain out the Devils Lake from drowning the whole state (Fargo, Grand Forks and Bismarck may be underwater soon) and the decline in state population by its' cold, unemployment and boredom. HAHA! YOUR STATE IS GONNA DIE.

Notable North Dakotans[edit]