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“Northallerton: Episode 2 is currently in production.”

~ Steven Spielberg on Northallerton's forthcoming sequel

Northallerton, also known as Thirsk v2.1, "Thirsk Reloaded", and "Thirsk Episode 2 - Attack of the Retailers". Northallerton was famously built as an upgrade to the ageing town of Thirsk. Bonus features in Northallerton are the inclusion of a directors commentary, real shops for real people (as opposed to fake people), outtakes (such as the town clock that never made it to the final version) and 50% less charity shops per square metre. Northallerton also includes a market cross as opposed to a clock tower, and most controversially an auction hall which has been used by farmers to buy and sell their wives of varying species.


Access denied! The clock remains in its original location in Thirsk.

Northallerton was built as an upgraded version of Thirsk. Initially they had hoped to have new and improved shops, housing and layout but keep the existing town clock in all its chav-ridden glory. However, they were unable to get permission from Thirsk council to remove the infamous landmark brick by brick to the new town, so they were forced to compromise with a cross in the market place. Nevertheless, this has proved a big hit with the local yob culture, as it is situated near the busy traffic lights, allowing easy target practise for the chav national sport, SpitWads.

The plan has been viewed as a mixed success; while it is true Northallerton included real shops that normal people like to visit, it is also true that some spies for the CHAVS (Cunning Homosexual And Violent Scum) got hold of the plans, and infiltrated the building of Northallerton College for the Socially Retarded, which is now famed for being a Chav stronghold. However, the non-chavs (a.k.a. Normos) managed to construct a fortress known as B & Q (see below).

The Flood of 2000[edit]

In the year 2000 (or thereabouts) Northallerton suffered widespread flooding. The reason for the flood was believed to have been because God got pissed off at thursday nights in Elders, when He wanted a pint and ended up getting a pint with an umbrella in it. He also didn't like the fact the gay guys kept getting the high scores on the punch bag. And then started making out.

Northallerton doing a pretty shit impression of Venice.

B & Q[edit]

This place was built so boring so that any Chav who walked inside would suffer critical brain damage within 3 minutes, leaving them in a permanent vegetative state (PVS). (Interestingly this improves their IQ to an impressive -12. Later the owners were given an award for Excellent Services To Society.) This was the start of the B & Q Wars, in which many people lost the whiteness of their clothes after being covered in paint, spirits and wood varnish. It was estimated that over 2 million gallons of paint was lost in this war. Ever since, every Sunday, all citizens of Northallerton are required to respect a 2 minutes silence.

Other minor locations nearby include Barker and Stonehouse and of course the unnamed shop next to B & Q that everyone has seen but never been in. This is probably due to the fact only middle aged men who like DIY dare to step through the mysterious portal.

The Farmer's Market[edit]

Popularly believed to be a place for trading cattle, sheep and other sources of protein for food, it is in fact a big dirty whorehouse of bestiality. The noises heard by the locals are the various moans made by the animals as the farmers test their sexual reactions in order to determine their optimum selective breeding partner. Tabloid papers have tried infiltrating the area by dressing as sheep and saying "meh", but most were unsuccessful. It suggests that the men, despite being partially blind, are able to distinguish between their natural partners and imposters. The lack of success frustrates the journalists greatly, as they love a scandal story, the nosey bastards. Those who got in are believed to have gathered vital evidence, but nothing has been heard of them since. Rumours abound that they have been locked away in an undisclosed barn hidden within a remote area of the Yorkshire Moors, free to roam (within a 200m radius of course) with their fellow animals but occasionally subjected to vicious farmer rape.

The legality of this place has been under scrutiny as like freemasonry, its practises remain secret. It is widely believed that a by-law passed by the King of Northallerton in 1627 made their actions legal, though evidence of said law is very thin (or non-existent). It is still a mystery as to whether the wives these farmers acquire are in fact animal or human. DNA testing has proved inadequate, as the family trees between Yorkshire folk and sheep have become so closely interlinked that the distinction is unclear.

It is believed the high council of Yorkshire farmers met to discuss this highly contentious issue. Some claim that they improved security at these bizarre marriage ceremonies and auctions, introducing a password. However this plan was greatly flawed as the only word they could say was "turnips", and this was soon released to the press. Only one managed to get inside, but the vile acts which had soiled his eyes left him permanently mute and generally unable to communicate. Despite this setback, he went on to be the highly successful editor of The Sun, David Yelland, famous for articles such as "Boobs boobs boobs!" and "Breasts breasts breasts!"


Northallerton, Yorkshire is the site of the oldest known horse trading fair/Farmers Market in the Western hemisphere. It is commonly accepted and believed that Northallerton is the grandfather and pre-curser to the modern day Farmer's Market and has run - almost continuously - non stop every Saturday for a tad over 700 years (including both of the World Wars). Initially a gathering place for Romany Gypsies (sic gypo's) across the United Kingdom whop would travel from as far as Eire and Scotland to gather and hold festivites in the Village Square. The main event, of course, was the trading and swapping of horses and ponies/donkeys. Additionally young Romany Gypsies would meet and woo young, eligible female gypsies from other bands and try to attract their eye - often throwing a horse or a pony in to boot. The horse trading/swap event has gradually evolved over the past 700 years into an extremely popular local Farmers Market...horses still have the right of way and run the local highways and byeways on a saturday.


The average night in Northallerton will begin with the Durham Ox, moving to Bar One Hundred, and finally Club Amadeus. Unless you are underage or really poor, you won't have to go to Elders, thank God. Any night out in Northallerton will completely drain you of your benefit money, leaving you with nothing to support your fucktard offspring. Club Amadeus is the only nightclub for miles around, which means this is the only place to catch STDs for miles around. STDs & STIs are common in the club, whether you get venereal disease from the toilet seats, chlamydia from a chavvy girl named 'Clamidia', or Mono from pretty much anyone else.

Potential 'Pulls'[edit]

  1. Cougars - The kryptonite for any 18 year old male in Northallerton, who could resist pulling your best mates ridiculously fit mum? Honestly, she may be the topic of most banter in the jokey sense of the word, but seriously, dude, I would totally nail her.
  2. Your Best Mates Sister - She may be 14, but if you go by the half your age +7 rule, you're only 10 years older than the etiquette allows. And to be fair, she looks like she could take a dick.
  3. The Fit Girl A Few Too Many Years Below Your Best Mates Sister - What? Like you've never thought about it. Remember though, if you play by the rule, "If she's over nine, she's past her prime", then you probably need to raise your sights a bit... Even if your dick does look huge in her tiny hands.
  4. The Girl In The Year Below You've Always Had A Thing For, But Never Grew The Stones To Tell Her - The Club is just as good a place as any for pulling that paraletic girl you've liked for so long. She may have fallen over many times and you may be driving home and haven't touched a drink, but if she so much as glances at you, she definitely wants you balls-deep.
  5. Your Friend's Friend Who Is Not Local To Northallerton And Needs, "Showing Around" - Obviously an easy target. They don't know you. So perfect it's almost poetic.
  6. The Scottish - Those really loud women in the pub that sound like screeching tyres when they talk. You know the ones. Despite their enthusiasm for cheap wine, they are generally not heavy drinkers, preferring to stay sober so their cougar-like approach to pulling men will pay off.
  7. Go To Elders Bar On A Thursday Night - Not much else I can say.
  8. Nobody - You can keep your dick in your pants and not catch something. Burn-free peeing on Sunday mornings are the best.


For many years Woolworths was the place to go for all your random shit that you couldn't think where else to go for. Then it closed down because Woolworths wanted to quit while they were ahead. This made billions of employees redundant and really fucked over the English Government, but the Credit Crunch fuckin' lapped it up. This made Boyes the only place to go for stuff you don't really need, but that you get anyway in case of, "an emergency". Because apparently tonnes of velcro and shitty fabric will aid you in a time of distress. Then came along big spenders Wilkinson, opening a store on the highstreet where Woolworths used to be, and undercutting Boyes on every random product they sold. Boyes are currently shitting in their pants at the idea of another retailer sabotaging their plans for world domination. Upon opening Wilkinson took a whopping £62 million the first day. Local newspapers found this odd since they only had the equivalent of £1 million in stock, but who's going to argue with success eh? Boyes took in £6.54 that day in sales, mainly from people who had not realised a bigger store had opened. The opening of a new store is one of the most exciting things to happen in Northallerton since the Prince of Wales stayed at a house near the Police Station over fifty years ago. Boyes are currently preparing to cut their losses and shut down, it is rumoured that Lidl are looking at the takeover, which will in turn fuck over Wilkinson and cause a cycle of 'who is cheaper' to rule the highstreet. The concept of 'who is cheaper' is incidentally how girls in Northallerton are 'pulled'.

Did you know…
Northallerton has the highest percentage of sexually active underage people in the UK, with the highest percentage of underage abortions taking place in the town centre. The town also boasts the most underage abortionists in the world.