Northallerton College

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“You can almost feel your IQ drop when you are taught there.”

~ Student on Northallerton College

“I loved Northallerton College, they helped me deal with my disloc... dislec... dyslexee... I couldn’t spell very well.”

~ Dyslexic student on Northallerton College’s fine special needs system

“What’s next for me? Well, I’m waiting for my A-Level results obviously, but I may as well start my application to McDonald’s now.”

~ 6th Former on his aspiration of a job after attending Northallerton College

“Sometimes I think it's the students who teach me, might as well be because I sure as hell can't teach them anything.”

~ Teacher on Northallerton College

“Northallerton college, excelling in sports no one gives a fuck about, and that, probably shouldn't exist. ”

~ Ofsted Physical Education Assesment

“I once masturbated in class. ”

~ A Student talking fondly of his time in Northallerton College.

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Northallerton College.

Northallerton’s College for the Socially Retarded is a fine establishment that helps many 14-20 year olds conquer their problems, such as virginity and general lack of promiscuity. Northallerton College, or ‘NC’ as it is so often abbreviated, take pride in being the best at sports such as Ultimate Frisbee and... Well, more to the point, they are awesome at Frisbee. NC are educational specialists in the field of ‘Information Technology’, the subject where ‘control, alt, delete’ is the epitome of GCSE learning. Performing Arts is another subject that Northallerton College excel at; it is the only one that rewards people who shout a lot, since they are, “projecting their voices well”. The college’s slogan ‘Independent Learning’ is actually just an excuse they use whenever OFSTED come to visit and they realise the teachers are out having a fag when they should be teaching.

History[edit]

2009[edit]

In early 2009 Mr. T, the head of mathematics and ‘how to look good naked’, supplied the 6th form common room with a pool table. The common room, since it’s creation in the 1500s, has remained a room specifically for upper 6th formers only, even though its name suggests it might not be; it fucking is. In mid 2009, this pool table was seriously molested by a few upper 6th formers just before they officially left college to begin their life signing on, or going to start at the University of Plymouth. This was a deliberate attempt to fuck over prevent the lower 6th from playing pool during their free periods; so they could actually be doing some work and not end up going to the University of fucking Plymouth. The only other source of entertainment during free periods was introduced in 2009 in the form of a PS2. This console, while outdated in every possible way still provided many hours worth of PES 08 entertainment, while simultaneously improving student test scores. Having a console in the common room meant having to untangle 6 fucking controllers before you could even play the game, and what’s more annoying is that most people would just sit around pretending not to care while you untangle the wires, eventually expressing their interest in joining you once you’d done.

2010[edit]

Due to snow related delays the article regarding 2010 is yet to be written but technically the school has been open every day this year the fact that no one was there does not discount the record. Also A.R became a prominent force in the schools hard yet smart group.

2011[edit]

the new set of upper-sixth students left their dilapidated caravan in the wilds near the health and social site to enter the upper-sixth common room of legend. However they entered to find the play station two suspended from a high beam, and the ceilings pebble-dashed with haribos. The common room is now a place to watch endless repeats of the Jeremy Kyle show for some, and play cards in your loudest, most annoying voice for others, as they wait on offers from the United Kingdom's third best university (Teeside)

Year Groups[edit]

10 and 11s[edit]

The year 10s are usually more mature than year 11s, generally this is because puberty has not yet kicked in, and cocky responses are not yet a vital part of ones vernacular. The year 11 boys are used to being cunts, having been raised by chavvy inbred farmer fathers that sell them weed to pay their income tax. Upon transition from year 10 to year 11, the females of the year group seem to develop a craving for a mouthful of year 13’s baby gravy; a sexual urge that apparently cannot be fulfilled anywhere else but the seat I used in the resource centre. As if that wasn't enough crazy people (JA LW DB) discover these articles and tell everyone they know!

COPE[edit]

In year 12 if you study 3 subjects or less you must engage in an educational version of community service called, ‘COPE’. This is quite obviously an acronym for, “Curriculum Of Phony Education”, since it isn’t really a qualification but it does teach you certain life skills, such as not burning your hand on the iron. The name originally caused much confusion among it’s participants who believe ‘COFE’ had been spelt wrongly. ‘COPE students’ as they are so often called are usually dyslexic and/or health and beauty students. You can almost guarantee no one doing Biology, Chemistry and Physics in year 12 is doing COPE. The 4 most common subjects COPE kids also study are: Performing Arts, Art, The Art of Dance, The Art of Media.

FAGGOTS

Health & Beauty Students[edit]

Besides giving good head behind the bike sheds, these so called ‘students’ are only good at applying makeup in whoreish quantities, and giving you a pretty decent colonic irrigation. While these part-timers may seem like actual students, they are in fact fully grown adults, who possess a timetable solely to remind them where they should be during the hours between dropping their kids off at school and signing on at the job centre. The ‘gyppo buildings’ are located on college grounds, somewhere between the building where they can apparently teach you to be foreign, and where the music department is. The gyppo buildings are named as such for a simple reason; they don’t look like they belong, no one knows why they are there, or even how they got the annexes over the fence in the first place.

The Living Legend of Northallerton College[edit]

Some people think she’s Rasta. Some people think she cleans. But she’s just playing tunes, that crazy Geordie. This woman is unlike anyone you’ve ever met before, and simply saying her name can scare the living shit out of her. She is the only cleaner in the country that gets paid not just for hoovering the corridors, but also for blasting music out of her Renault during lunchtime.

Student Support Scheme[edit]

The student support scheme was originally, and more accurately named, “The Disruptive Little Shit on Probation Scheme”, but was changed to the more subtle title after OFSTED pointed out that three S’s would sound cooler; much like an ASBO sounds cooler than, “Fucking Mental Chav Probation Scheme”. For a lot of the disruptive little shits, being on the three S’s is like having a MOBO award. ASBOs are often compared with the Brit Awards, and jail is the fucking knighthood of being a chav. The student support scheme allows the mentally weaker teachers to ‘call out’ students so that they have to take their behaviour cards to the most physically imposing of staff, to scare the cheeky bastards into behaving. After leaving college student support kids will usually end up giving head to a Puerto Rican drug dealer in a sordid attempt to make money. Or they will be in the job centre.

Activities[edit]

Most Northallerton College students will tell you that the only activities that you could possibly do with your time were Frisbee and football. Untrue. If you ever felt lonely and wanted to officially brand yourself a ‘loner’ then the affectionately named, “No Friends Club”, would suit you. This club got together to play board games every lunch time, unfortunately only one person turned up, and they waited for you for the whole fucking lunch hour Callum, you bastard! Another activity that you could get involved with for an hour a day was geography, and while some consider this an A-Level, most others know that anything that gets marks for colouring in is not a real subject.

Resource Centre[edit]

A library with more computers than books. Long ago, the tyrant only known of as "K" took control of the R.C. and has since ruled with an iron fist, upon entry you are told where you are permitted to sit and sent about your way. You then log onto one of the telescreens, where any slight deviation from anything that might help you with coursework is treated as an un-permissible act of defiance that must be crushed. "K" monitors you on CCTV and the computers themselves. In 2010 she banned sporcle, if you try and go onto the website the internet will shut down, and if you try and access some other websites such as Facebook a page will load on the screen telling you that you must be either a terrorist of Pedophile. As part of the Arab Spring their was a wave of resistance early on in 2011, however the protesters were mercilessly crushed, the brutality of the crackdown was condemned by world leaders such as Muammar Gaddafi, President Assad of syria, The ayatollahs of Iran and Kim Jong Il. As of November 2011 the R.C. is still under the control of "K" despite calls from amnesty international for U.N. intervention.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • The Duke of Ediburgh award may be the quivalent to a MOBO award, but it does not clinch you a place in University.
  • Priority is key, and at Northallerton College teachers always prioritise students from the most promising kids down to the blacks kids.
  • If a teacher is ten minutes late for lesson, you are allowed to leave. But you never do.
  • Fully grown female PE teachers can stay in the gym when the year 10 girls are getting changed in there, but when we try to it's, "sick".
  • Having disablingly achy bollocks is not enough excuse to use the disabled toilets. True story.
  • It is considered OK to burn down the school gym as long as it is done outside of school hours, but staff have clamped down firmly on the smoking of weed down Cinder Alley.
  • all teachers want to have sex with us students
  • Our Dales school lot are the most sexually active spastics in the country
  • Every teacher's top priority is to give the students orgasm's by using sub-woofer's