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“Where is the Wood? ”

~ Ray Mears on Oakwood

“Makes me feel poor ”

Oakwood suburban Middleclass camp.
MJ homealone.JPG
Keeping the Middle Class away from the real world since 1985
Slogan My Mondeo has Anti lock brakes
Established Lego Industries, October 31, 1973
Type(s) Haven, and all out ruler of Chad
Founder(s) Margaret Thatcher, Barry Scott, Gandalf, Brian Peppers
Location(s) Derby, United Kingdom
Industry Safe, Docile Living
Employees 28,000 Guards 1.2 Million Residents
Produces University Leavers, Housewives, Crufts Contenders
Revenue £400 billion (1985-2009)
£400 Billion and 20 pence (2009)
Parent Unknown No one would ever own up for creating such a place.
Official homepage http://www.derby-guide.co.uk/oakwood.html

Oakwood, commonly known as Oakatraz or 'Earth' to the locals, is a brutally large housing estate adjacent to the working class district of Derby. It is famous for having a crime rate of -2% and the only area in Europe where littering is punished by Volunteering in the scouting movement. In Oakwood the younger generation like to say they are from the nearby 'ghetto' of Chad. Everything resembles the houses from the popular reality show, Cat in the Hat.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Oakwood.

Ancient History[edit]

Known by the ancients as "Queerrus" meaning Place of Better person it was the site of a giant metropolis in 314BC hundreds of year ahead of the technology at the time, it is rumoured to be the real birthplace of Robin Hood who was banished for liking poor people, he stole from the rich, gave 5% to the poor and the rest was safely tucked away in an off shore bank account. the City was lost in AD 1202 when all the inhabitants caught a terrifying, and now irradicated, disease where their own head went too far up their own anuses.

Middle ages[edit]

In 1469 Oakwood was bought by the Duke of Snobsbury (1414-1471) known by the locals as a sort of messiah who planned to build a large estate on the ground, this however later fell through after he was brutally murdered when someone else got jealous of his horse. The land was then inherited by his brother Lord Smithington Smithe who Revamped the area into a red light district, the best in the country at the time. Historians claim this is greatest part of Oakwood's history.

Pre 20th Century[edit]

Originally Oakwood gallows, a large tower similar to the tower of London built in 1655 to incarcerate anyone who refused to do their share of work, until 1817 when it was demolished after all the inmates started complaining that the water provided wasn't filtered. It was left as wasteland for over 100 years in which stories were told of millions of druids traveling to the area to sacrifice anyone of whom wasn't local to the area. In 1891 the government dickhead created new hunting laws, which allowed anyone with a 3 bedroom house or larger to freely kill anyone poorer than those who entered the area, a law which is still in force to this day.

Early 20th Century[edit]

In the mid 1930's a revamp of the area was attempted but this was later destroyed in 1942 by what was thought to be German bombers. it later turned out it was in fact bombed by English Pilots who saw the generic buildings and inhabitants as members of the German front. This was due the the locals Hugo Boss clothing which caused the pilots to think they were members of the SS.

Early 1970's- Late 1990's[edit]

The Area was finally bought in 1973 by theLego Corporation in an attempt to create unmodern over expensive houses for the many millions of Dentists, Council members and small time lawyers who saw themselves as superior to everyone around them. The project took 12 years and by 1986 Oakwood had become the most densely populated area of nonces outside of Southern England. Throughout the late 1980's and early 1990's Oakwood became renowned for its overly safe street system in which each new resident had a a large piece of their brain removed leaving the person safe docile and without a sense of identity or logic, meaning there is absolutely no crime in oakwood, ever. In fact no one has reported anything 'happening' for over 30 years. The Late 1990's BBC documentary The League of Gentlemen is partically based on Oakwood.

In 1997 Ford unveiled their new car the Mondeo, a car with no sense of style, purpose or identity it wasn't a bargain and neither was it expensive and was therefore a perfect choice for the people of Oakwood to have as their Bog standard Family car and now Numbers more than 560,000 models in Oakwood alone beating its main rivals, the Vauxhall Astra and the Ford Focus.


The millenium passed in Oakwood without so much as a look in for two reasons; one many homeowners in the area are usually permanently drunk another is that within 21st century Oakwood there is no sense of time, with many residents still thinking they live in a time where its acceptable to keep women as property. In 2005 a coach full of school children from Sheffield took a wrong turn on the A38 and entered Oakwood's impossible road system, they haven't been seen since. In 2006 Oakwood was given 5 stars by the councils hygiene award and is the only place on earth which keeps to the safety regulations of grass being kept at exactly 2.345 cm high. In Fbruary 2009 Oakwood was badly hit by the blizzard which shutdown all roads leading to the outside world. They are due to reopen in 2025.


Intended as a mediocre home for mediocre people, Oakwood has since been deemed A 'Higher lower middle lower middle class Area' and has a population of 81% Safe docile happy inhabitants 11% Yorkshire terriers 5% Lost outsiders and 3% 'Other'.


Nearly all members of the Oakwood community know each other and insist on congregating in the great hall at the center of Oakwood to boast to each other about how great their lives are. It is also customary for all inmates to group together in a large open area and have a picnic on June 24th this is known as 'Ponce Day' where activities include; 'Eat as much as possible the buffet', ' Have no respect for other people at any point whatsoever' and 'Pin the blame on coummunists/Americans/ Democracy.' The Winner receives a Golden turd and a three month subscription to the Daily Mail.


Whilst the adults of the area are trying to prove to others how great they are, their children all go out onto "The green" a completely flat piece of land where nothing can be seen for miles around to 'hang'. This involves grouping together and talking about complete nonsense which they think is relevant and amusing much of which is repeated on a daily basis as most children under 17 actually believe there is no human life outside of Derby.

Local Traits[edit]

All locals are also allergic to normal tap water which if accidentally drunk will instantly make them think they have a purpose in life and they will try to leave Oakwood, forever getting lost in its vast expanse of middle budget housing. For this reason everyone in the area drinks specially filters water, which has been proven to numb their brains back into submission so that they continue to spend their entire lives rearranging their furniture in their homes. Those lucky enough to have found the secret passage outside of Oakwood have known to have attended either Leesbrook or Saint Benedict Catholic School and Performing Arts College.

Annual Pedeophile of the Year[edit]

On the 67th of June every year, the locals hold this competition which gets all of the men aged 5 to 67 to molest children. The winner is then hung drawn and quartered. The head is usually placed on a plinth outside the local Somerfield to warn everyone that Oakwood isn't just an extension of Chad but a city of super evolved Simon Cowell clones.

Dog owners[edit]

Everyone in Oakwood owns a Dog, Knows a dog and/or is married to a dog. Dogs were first introduced into Oakwood in 1901 and have since become the highest ranking species in the area, Like the locals Oakwood dogs Don't have an anus, and therefore there is no need for a bin anywhere however, due to the high population of dogs many residents are at risk of Dog Flu which has claimed the lives of 59,000 Oakwoodians since 1990. Dogs are also seen as a stand of class the more small and useless dog someone has the more respect they have throughout the community. There is also the strange phenomena that the Oakwoodians over time start to resemble their beloved pets.


Mainland Oakwood[edit]

Oakwood consists of 6660 windy streets each containing a number of semi/ detached housing all of which looks exactly the same as everywhere else with each house including a white plastic door, double glazed windows a garage and a drive on which a 55 plated Light blue Ford Mondeo is parked. This has lead to all houses having all the same locks so at any time someone can't find the house they originally bought they can simply enter one of the may millions of others which surround it without noticing any difference.

Retail Districts[edit]

Close to Oakwood centre are a collection of primitive shops in which all life in Oakwood passes through on a monthly basis this includes a Scumerfield which sells normal food at a jacked up price so that the food sold can only be eaten by those who had the money to buy one of the ridiculously Generic houses in the area, this is also normally surrounded by the local chadites who intimidate the local people. A Blockbusters which supplies only copies of 'Pretty Woman' which every couple in Oakwood rent out on a Saturday night without fail, this is a legal obligation in Oakwood and failure to do this can result in having to volunteer at the district centre for 18 years. Although none in Oakwood has any contact with the outside world, the centre also has a post office, which is planned to come into use in 2016 when the oldest inhabitant turns 65 and is old enough to receive a pension. Until then the post office remains one of the many mysteries which dwell inside a locals mind into the purpose of the building. There is also a dentist which since the sudden increase in population numbers in Oakwood since the recession has had to have 17,000 extensions, the building is now 50 stories high and is officially the only landmark in Oakwood. The district centre also boasts a newsagents where they sell only two things, Hello magazines and the Daily Mail on which many locals base 99% of their conversation with other locals.

Parks & Recreation[edit]

As well as 'The green' there is one other natural spec of land known as chaddseten wood which consists of 2500 new trees bought from IKEA and park benches from the same shop. locals come to this place to enjoy their one and only hobby, Dog walking where everyone follows a .75 mile path which they are guided around by the 'guards of the wood' to make sure no-one escapes from the suburban camp.

Pubs/Taverns/Beer Havens[edit]

The Oak & Acorn+The King's Corner are the only pubs throughout Oakwood. They are the separators of Upper and Lower Oakwood, the Oak is a mixture of Lower Oakwoodians and the Invaders from Chad, King's on the other hand are full of the local farmers who are the majority of the regulars.

Places of Interest[edit]

There are none. Anywhere.