Object Oriented Programming

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“It's the only way i'm ever going to get rich”

~ Software Engineer on inheritance

“Object-oriented programming is like using an 18-wheeler for grocery shopping”

~ Me on OOP bloat


"I wrote a class called "StickUpYourAss". Here's an instance for you."

Object Oriented Programming was developed by Xenu in order to cause more problems with people's souls. Rather than writing procedures, like Procedural Programming does, OOP instead uses objects. Objects, which make no sense, have five properties that make them different from the rest of the other language data structures.

  • Polymormonism which means objects can marry many other objects.
  • Obstruction which means objects can get clogged in your colon.
  • Enpixelation which means your objects turn into pixels or hides inside of pixels of pixels such that you think there are naughty, titillating body parts hidden behind them when in reality they are just messed up pixels.
  • Intearitance which means your objects can be torn into bits, based on other objects it borrows from.
  • Terrorism which means your objects fear you, and refuse to do what you programmed them to do, committing harikari during an important presentation, crashing Microsoft Power Point (which is such a phallic name coming from a company named "micro" and "soft".)

An object can have all five of these properties, and if you are lucky, it will do what you programmed it to do, i.e., suck your cock using a series of 0s and 1s. If not, maybe it will delete your porn collection, reformat your hard drive, or just sit there and laugh at you.

Object Oriented Programming is one form of Computer Programming, but may also be a method to get arthritis without first aging.

Analogy and Criticism[edit]

A good introductory way to explain object-oriented programming is by using the cat analogy. Your cat Stinky is an object and an instance of the class 'cat,' which is in turn derived from the class 'reptile.' Your cat has members and methods. Some members (e.g. legs, hind legs) and methods (e.g. "Feed," "Pat," "Kick") are public, while others (e.g. stomach, pancreas, "Digest food") are private. However, you are never supposed to access public member objects as part of an interface, as this could cause the cat to be dismembered.

An interface is something that a cat has in common with any other thing. Like any other pet (turtle, rock, canary), it can be starve() it or kick() it. Like any other furred thing (tiger, buffalo), you can skin() it. If you trade pelts, then it doesn't matter that your pet is a cat, only that it has fur of some sort.

Using this analogy, one can explain the various criticisms levelled against OOP. For example, it would obviously be easier, as in conventional programming, to have all members conveniently accessible, so when you want the cat to say, digest food, you don't have to crack its body open to get at the stomach. Another attack is to say that data could get all balled up in the object; you would have to make the cat cough the furball (data) up in order to gain the sweets of profit off it.


One theory is that it came about by slave ships using people (called "objects" to avoid humanizing them, like we do to testers today) to do the work instead of citizens of the Roming Empire. When computers came along, they offshored the work of all the slaves to Timbuktoo where they could pay them 8-cents an hour and let the computer do the hard work. In order to emulate slavery, they created OOP with method names such as "whipMe", "beatMe", and "hangMe" so that slavemasters would feel at home.

Another theory is that Object Oriented Programming, or OOP (also called ups!, or whooop!) was originally created as a torture method by the ancient Greek civilization. It consisted in code zillions of line of an Object-Oriented internet browser. Despite, the non-existence of internet, OOP languages (or ups! languages) and of course, absolute absence of computers, made this torture very cunning. Also, the tortured programmer, was not able of knowing how to use any kind of API (Appalling Procedures Inbuilt), nor system calls, because they didn't exist. This, has been replaced in our times by things like contract, analyst, extra hours and the most refinate way of torture: handback dates.

Career Outlook[edit]

The tangled messes that OOP programs make have made lingo-swinging contractors rich beyond all their dreams. Now instead of going to technical universities, up-coming programmers hang out with used car salesmen to learn how to sling the slime.

They learn phrases such as, "If you encapsulate your dispatching behind an abstract interface so that implementation can be swapped without a single refactoring of external code, then objects become sparkling magic and program themselves so that you no longer need to pay me $200.00 an hour." Of course, the magic never comes and the contract programmer keeps collecting $200.00 an hour; that is, until his job is outsourced to a third-world country where programmers live with goats and have to learn their bamboozling skills from used goat salesmen.

Despite the goats, having a third-world accent makes techno-bullsh8t sound more convincing to US managers according to some studies. Thus US programmers are flocking to Asian accent training schools while Asian call-center workers are flocking to English accent training so that they can answer Dell and AOL trouble-calls from US customers with a southern drawl. If polymorphism could only find a way to swap them...

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