Objects in mirror are closer than they appear

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Must. Go. Faster.
Warning: Objects In Mirror Are Apache Helicopters.
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This article is closer than it appears.


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General Information/Bullcrap[edit]

A standard warning blurb written on most right-hand side rear-view mirrors. Reasons for this are widely accepted as an S.E.P. (Somebody Else's Problem), but have you ever really thought about it? If you're sitting in the driver's seat on the left side of the car, and since the right-hand mirror is further away from you than your left-hand mirror, wouldn't you want objects in the right hand mirror to appear closer rather than further away (as in, Objects In Mirror Are Further Away Than They Appear)?

I suppose that would be a little obvious, though. It's been determined mathematically that it would only take a total dumbfuck sitting in the driver's seat to actually believe the objects in the right-hand side rear view mirrors are the exact distance away from you that they claim to be, after all, you're veiwing them through a tiny mirror on the other side of the car, perilessly swerving to avoid the fallen branches on the muddy path, all with your gas pedal floored to stay well ahead of the rampaging t-rex hot on your heels. Must go faster.

Furthermore, who in their right mind leans alllll the way over from the driver's side to actually read the tiny incoherent writing on the passenger side mirror? "Shit. What does that say? Objects in mirror are... what? Fuck I better pull over."

Paradoxically, in cars in the UK and China that have their passenger sides and driver sides reversed, the blurb on the bottom of the left-hand side mirror states: Objects In This Mirror Are On The Other Side Of The Car.

Historic Appearances[edit]

  • 450 A.D.: Julius Caesar invents the mirror, then writes: Res Intus Speculum Est Propinquus Quam Videor on it. He doesn't know why, as elliptical mirrors were only invented over a millenium later by Thomas Edison.
  • 1969: In this year, the drug known as LSD was still extremely popular among teenage hippies and philosophy professors. Accidents involving right-side mirrors at this time were caused by pie-eyed idiots seeing how close they could get to their own reflection, and either breaking the mirror with their faces and cutting themselves up pretty badly, or by crashing their car.
  • 1993: Jurassic Park Ranger Robert Muldoon spots the t-rex in his rear-view mirror, and because he is instantly reminded that Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear (the object being the t-rex), he is prompted to drive much faster and thus save everybody's life, especially Jeff Goldblum. Unfortunately, Muldoon is eaten by a raptor later in the movie.
  • 1998: The Narrator's face is thrown into a rear-view mirror by himself. He then checks himself out in the very same mirror to see how badly his mouth is cut. It is not known whether the mirror contained the Objects In Mirror statement or not. The first rule of Project Mayhem is You Do Not Ask Questions.
  • 2004: George W. Bush fails to heed the warning on his SUV's right-hand mirror and reverses over Condoleeza Rice. When questioned later by secret service, he explained that he's the president and he doesn't get a lot of time for reading.