Obligatory nuclear war nightmare sequence that doesn't amount to much but helps pad the story

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The obligatory nuclear war nightmare sequence that doesn't amount to much but helps pad the story[edit]


(I had to move this to a separate page because I needed to make room. Because the article was getting way too long. So. That's the ironical part. You really don't give a tinker's dam, do you.)

ANYWAY, as we were saying[edit]

(cont'd from Page 94)

With the Russian-North Polar Unified Horde occupying both the Crystal Castle and North Berlin, events began to move at an accelerated pace, a pace far more rapid than either the German or Russian leadership could maintain. The Bundeswhere went to DefCön 1/2, automatically fuelling up their saucer fleets and mobilizing the elite Saxon Reindeer Cavalry Corps. The Russians, sitting on top of 120 megaton "Tsar Bomba 2", and alarmed at the lack of German defeatism, began to call up their reserves as well; the "quick, painless victory" promised by both Rasputin and God was proving to be total bullshit after all, big fucking surprise.

Bundeswehr Chief der Staffen Goofy, who ist no longer von planet but ist von dvarf planet, contemplates the unthinkable final option: to save Germany, Mr. Walker would have to become Mr. Wheeler.
Victorious Russian and North Polar soldiers, after capturing this radar station during the brutal Battle of Five Arms, burst into song to celebrate their victory.

The People's Army of Alliteration fired up their communist time machines, assembling an Ad Hoc Conquest Subcommittee of history's greatest generals, military genii like Attila the Hun, Grand Admiral Thrawn, and Destiny's Child. Facing the prospect of humiliating defeat for the first time since the last time, Chancellor Gorkon claimed "creative differences" with objective reality and formally requested that he be replaced as chancellor, and throughout the Soda-Time Continuum, by Alan Smithee. Smithee, who was tired of getting being blamed for everyone else's fuck-ups, blew up his own apartment and went underground.

Agitated Russians, North Polarians, and Germans, patrolling to enforce the ceasefire, began to engage one another in spontaneous, unauthorized thumb wars all along the Demasculinized Zone separating Greater Germania and Peru. To this day, no one knows who threw the first paper airplane, and it doesn't really matter. Soon both Germans and Russians were getting and giving two for flinching in division-level engagements up and down the DMZ, from the Rhine River to the Gulf of Mexico, with a stopover in a quiet town here and there. The battle had begun of its own accord, or at least that was everyone's chickenshit excuse for getting out of trouble. The Ad Hoc Conquest Subcommittee submitted their final report to Gorbachev: Cut their balls off. Forty-six Russian armies poured into the Demasculinized Zone, swamping the Germans and streaming from every cardinal point towards South Berlin. What happened next...was inevitable.

"I am become J. Robert Oppenheimer, the shatterer of worlds." - Arjuna, after the successful destruction of all life on Earth with the Alpha Omega cobalt comb, detonated to prevent its ever becoming the inadvertent idol of a race of mutated humans that may one day dwell beneath a planet of the apes.

"What do you do next?"

- If you open the package addressed to your dead Uncle Nathan that arrived right after his funeral, turn to page 864.

- If you take the hidden staircase behind the grandfather clock and go down to the secret basement to see who's screaming, go to page 148.

- If you decide to drink the yellow potion for super-strength, chug it down on page 1,239.

- If you are a kangaroo, you belong on page 2.

- If you think this is a load of dingo's kidneys, turn to page 4,113.

See also also[edit]

- Any entry in categories mentioned at the end of this page, son.

Grable.jpg The Nuclear Family
Backyard nuclear reactorBaseball-based nuclear weapons delivery systemCANQUNuclear explosionNuclear missileNuclear PowerNuclear reactorNuclear VaguenessNuclear warfareNuclear wasteNuclear weaponsNuclear SafetyNuclear fission