The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
“By Azura By Azura By Azura this game is the worst RPG ever made! How can people keep killing me all the time and posting my death on youtube? Seriously this game has brain washed people, killing someone over and over again just gets boring, no wonder why FALLOUT 3 is called the worst Fallout game ever...!!! (SPLAT)”
|Release Date||Microsoft Nintendo:|
November 9 1767
November 32 2004
November 11 2004
PC: Will not be released for Windows Vista the new operating system for microsoft 2007/2008
|Genre||first person shooter|
|Would Peyton Manning play it?||Dunno. Would Buddha?|
- Not to be confused with The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious, or The Llama Scrolls: Bolivian, which would have been a weird confusion to make (unless, of course, you're Captain Oblivious), or whatever...
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is the most immersive and extensively detailed role playing game available in digital format (we exclude the Final Fantasy series in this assessment on the basis of there being no easy way to download nudie mods to FFVII)The game was conceived and created by a crack team of Marylanders who were beat up a lot in high school, and is loosely based (as were its predecessors)on said designers' hand-crafted Dungeons and Dragons campaign world.Oblivion has the most beautiful graphics engine of any sword and slippers RPG on the market today and boasts very strong fanbases on both the Xbox and PC where, thanks to the readily available construction set, anyone with any level of computer aptitude may modify their version of the game to include: a)nudity, b)unrealistic weaponry, c)white supremacy, or d) some combination of the three. thanks to a thriving community of modders, and an avalanche of pre-modded content already de-bugged by the good folks at Bethesda, Oblivion will provide the avid gamer with endless hours of entertainment, and effectively nullify any budding social life said "player character" might have. Note: The game is also renowned for its fine clothing, although the men in game prefer to wrap a turban around their genitals, it is said to "remove the chaffing effect when chasing down some bad-ass marauders" - the prophet of Anvil.
Oblivion opens with a devastatingly cryptic monologue by Emperor Uriel Septim ( who comes on to you with cheap pick up lines such as "you are the one from my dreams" ) ( Captain Picard )and treats the viewer to a beautifully rendered orchestral theme only slightly cribbed from Pirates of the Caribbean before plumetting them into the blackness of character creation. after the very involved process of battling your way through the underbelly of the imperial-prison-system-come-secret-emergency-bunker and trying to toggle your nose to where it looks like a real appendage, the emperor is assassinated by an obviously evil cabal of sith knock-offs. the PC is thrown out into world with nothing but the emperor's amulet and about 80 pounds of Goblin loot to their name and are set on the path to greatness, for about twelve minutes until they get bored and go all Texas Chainsaw on the nearest bandit camp/defenseless chapel.
There are a plethora of races available as playable characters in Oblivion. The fantasy fare will delight and thrill any gamer... unless they want to play as a dwarf... then they're gonna have to rent Lord of the Rings.
- Redguards: While The Elder Scrolls is by no means a racially biased franchise, the "humans of heritage" in the game are, to quote Morgan Freeman "straight G's." Redguards produce fine fighters and excellent Seamen and have the best starting blade skill in the game.
- Dark Elves: Catering to the "I'll buy it if I can play as Drizzt" niche, the Dark elves are good all-arounders in Oblivion. While hardcore morrowinders may grumble to themselves about the "dumbing down" of the more commercially-minded TESIV or the "lack of crossbows, spears, noble houses, vampire factions, boat travel, guild guides, etc." critics agree that the new Dunmer are just as kickass as the old.
- Argonians: This reptilian race inhabits reeking fens of Black Marsh and the fetid moors of Google, and are most notable for their tails, scales, and lack of cool abilities which, with the 86-ing of the spear, have dwindled to disease resistance and water breathing (you're basically playing aqua-man), it should be noted that in Morrowind they were naked and had no cocks as were the Khajhits.
- Orcs: The orcs of Oblivion are much more civilised and coherent than many of their fantasy cousins (cough*WAAAAAAAGH!*cough) and exhibit a cunning and acumen not seen in green characters since the glory days of Kermit and the gang.
- Imperials: The most technologically advanced race, imperials sport romanesque full-plate armor 24/7, take part in pre-programmed "daily routines" and inexplicably conquer every other goddamn race on the continent thanks to that +5 bonus to Merchantile.
- Khajhit: Created solely as an excuse to put Maiq The Liar in the game, the Cat People are notable in that it is physically impossible to spell their race's name correctly.
- Bretons: Bretons have successfully altered the common perception of the phrase "Bretonnian" from something keen and Arthurian to one of a bumbling, squeamish friar with a penchant for summonig demons for 1d6 rounds.
- Wood Nords: Due to time constraints, and an already convoluted gaming system, the Nord and Wood Elf races have been combined here... makes about as much sense as calling axes "blunt" doesn't it?
- Dwarf: There are no dwarfs in the game as they were all sent to extermination camps during Uriel Septim's nazi years. Their weapons and armour still exist, most notably the dwarven helmet which makes the player look like they have a dick on their head.
- Butt Plugs:This race is rarely seen, unless you're homosexual.
- Bill Shatner:A hideous creature rarely allowed into daylight.
- The Adoring Fan:The game's overall Bitch
In an effort to promote healthy body image, every single character in Oblivion is between the ages of 20 and 35 and is built like a distance runner. Perhaps as a brief stab at reality, there is rumored to be an "obesity patch" available for download on Torrent.
The good folks at Bethesda really made their mark with Oblivion by creating the first game in which the player character will succeed more at first level than at any other thereafter. Thanks to the genius of the levelling system, no matter how powerful you are, there will always be a goblin out there who can clean your clock.
- Sneak: A skill that allows orcs wearing platemail in places to not be seen if they bend their knees a little.
- Security: A skill that, thanks to twitch-mechanics, isn't worth squat.
- Blunt: Apparently axes are blunt now... they better not have fucked with my crossbow...
- Merchantile: Has anyone in the history of TES ever put ranks in merchantile?
- Magic: "Lighting people on fire with red golf balls."
- Illusion: Basically nullifies the entire stealth skill-set.
- Hand To Hand: Two words baby: Chuck Norris.
- Marksman: We all have that friend who has to play as a ranger no matter what game he's in. This skill was designed for him.
- Speechcraft: If you've ever spent 60 dollars to spin wedges of cheese in order to watch someone's facial expression, you will excel at this "skill".
- Alchemy: Good if you're too cheap to buy your own potions. Be careful, achieving mastery of this skill will cause the gamer to die.
- Mysticism: Grants the player the ability to manipulate magic effects and move shit with their mind. Also grants a +5 bonus to the character's enrollment to the United Negro College Fund.
- Block: Fun for 30 seconds, then you really wish you'd just bought the claymore.
- Alteration:Useless except for the ability to piss off Christians by walking on water.
- Tightness: Only available to the female players. I assume you can guess what it means.
Oblivion boasts a whopping four guilds (the blades are not counted here as it's pretty much a given you will end up playing as one of them if you finish character creation) and gives Bethesda worshippers the chance to continue stealing shit from visually-challenged citizens (a.k.a everyone in the game) and kill a bunch of people for loot. Normal gamers just go Holocaust on local civillians and guards to get loot quicker.
The Fighters Guild
The Fighters Guild, obviously, specializes in Plumbing. If you can kill something you can be in the fighters guild, and this relatively straightforward quest bundle offers a steady stream of violence and easy money.
Knights of Nine
Not really even a faction, this quest-line was the brainchild of a couple of pissed off gamers who thought the whole "save the cosmos" thing wasn't paladiny enough. Basically consists of you wasting time walking around praying to Chuck norris and the nine gaylords,finding lots of random crusadery shit, then you get into a 5 second fight with a bird that has wings but doesnt fly and for some reason needs to keep swaping sword hands. After that you get to keep the shitty armour but unfortunatley you lose your free will to kill random beggars because if you do the nine gaylords have a hissy fit,then afterwards Chuck norris jumps in,round house kicks you,teabags you while you are unconcsious then steals your armour so you lie naked on the floor. Then you have a 99.99% chance of being raped by a random bandit which gives you an STD.
The Dark Brotherhood
Every teenaged psychopath with an appreciation for good metal will play this faction to its logical conclusion roughly 6,000 times. Notable for quenching the thirst for blood in any adolescence, The Dark Brotherhood indulges in the pleasure of killing, which we all want to do. Don't deny it, murderous rampages are fun! Specific 'fun-targets' include dropping moose heads on random rich people, killing an old, sleeping dude and then proceeding to sleep in the SAME bed (for convenience) and killing your booty-bitch back at jail. In the guild hall (wich are under ground) there are a lot of black people who are smoking skooma.
The Mages' Guild
This guild starts out strong, sending ther aspiring grand wizard to the far corners of the empire, delivering books and recovering lost rings until, after about 14 consecutive hours of play, the player gives up on achieving that second rank and loads his Dark Brotherhood grandmaster game.
Boring. Mostly consists of you and the Gay fox stealing stuff but not getting to kill anyone. Otherwise known as the communist guild for you giving money to beggers (Hippies with no jobs) despite the fact they never earn it. Its also a crack because after 20 hours of long hard working play it turns out he was using you to reclaim is throne in a city with his wife. The best part about that is you get to kill him afterwords along with his wife. The award is a mask that you get killed for having on...great. This is bassicaly a ripoff of robin hood.
Begger Punchers Guild
A Guild that is not available till you get the Corn Expansion. It is a Guild in Cyrodil that specializes in punching the hell out of whiny beggers, and defeating the Adoring Fan... However, you cannot earn the respects of the Thieves' Guild as they love those beggers and have nothing constructive to do. To be apart of this Guild, you must do all side-quest in the game and eat tons of bananas. Once you done so, you must do it again, and then beat up some guy that nobody remembers, then your in. Once your in, you will be able to spar with the Banana King and save the world from the Adoring Fan.
Gameplay and realism
The game has been praised for it's vast gameplay. Like other elder scrolls games it is impossible to fully complete. It has more quests than there are grains of sand in the world. It is also extremely realistic (unless you buy glitch of the year edition in which gaurds can walk through walls). Here are a few examples of how similar the game is to normal life:
- The richest town, Skingrad, has a communist name
- Rats are the size of great danes.
- Lizards and cats walk and talk like humans.
- You can cast magic.
- Merchants will KNOW if you're trying to sell a stolen item. Oh, they'll KNOW.
- As if this hasn't been mentioned a thousand times already, axes are blunt!
- Simply holding a weapon is considerd stealing.
- Defiying all rpg logic quests don't give EX.
- Defiying all rpg logic killing enemies doesn't give EX using your weapon does.
- All conversations are one sided! As you really don't have much to say to people.
- Paintbrushes float in mid-air. Super realistic!
- Killing somebody makes everyone hate you. Even if you're out in the middle of nowhere!
- Live conversations between NPCs! "Hi!" "Bye then" "So I hear there are oblivion gates opening?" "Moo" "Good bye"
- Die by getting punched in the leg.
- Live after jumping off a rock and landing in water 300ft below you.
- Orcs are green and ogres(Shrek)are gray and uglyer.
- You can trap someones soul in a little stone.
- You can commit necrophillia in public.
- Everyone is born an adult.
- You can make a spell so your horse can run at light speed on water, but then you'll realise that it costs too mutch to make so you decide not to.
As you can see from above, unless you're blind, the game is shockingly true to life. In fact, it's so realistic that some people have given up real life for life in Cyrodil and play the game 24/7. However, despite the excessive play no-one has yet completed all the quests and side-quests in the game.
Players will also have the opportunity to run Fedex quests and other errands for Daedra Lords, who will then reward them with powerful artifacts (i.e. 'roids). The Daedra Lords are voiced by Bethesda's trademark "snorkel apparatus" speech filter and have a penchant for encouraging the PC to kill old ladies.
Daedra Lords who appear in game and Artefact reward:
- Harry Potter = One of those stupid gay little wands that all the characters point at each other to try and pretend that they are desert eagles
- Obama = Health care plan that never works
- Mehrunes Dagon = A Giant Stone Statue of John Wilkes Booth
- Fimmion = Magic Pants
- Hulk Hogan = The holy grail
- Dick Cheney = The pink panther jewel
- Carth 2.0 = Vorpal blade
- Elmo= The AIDS Virus
- Wacko Jacko = The One ring
- Jesus of Suburbia = Rasputin’s penis
- Master Chief = The golden gun
- Bowser = Poseidon’s trident
- Perez Hilton = The sorcerer’s stone
- Khorne = Soul reaver
- Nurgle = The crown jewels
- Slaanesh = Trojan horse
- Tzeentch = Jimi Hendrix’s guitar
- Chuck Norris = Nothing. you cant beat Chuck Norris. even if you cheat, hack, or glitch. Or all at once.
- Ganondorf = Fire flower
- Ganon (yes there's a difference, you moron) = The Star of Astaroth
- George W. Bush only = The resonator
- Dracula = The Mona Lisa
- Alucard = Kryptonite
- Steve Martin = The declaration of independence
- Jabba the Hutt = The mask
- Cthulhu = MC Hammer
- Yog-Sothoth = Rhythm stick
- Slash = Baseball bat
- Robert Johnson = Tuning fork
- Mick Jagger = Pokeball
- The Pythons = A shrubbery
- Bill Cosby = one viagra and a bottle of gin
- If you've seriously read this far, you need to
go out right now and make some friends. = You heard
- Oprah Winfrey = George’s marvellous medicine
- Optijesus Prime = The ace of spades
- Oscar Wilde (only on the weekends,
between the hours of 1:00 and 25:00.). = Blades of chaos
- Your Mom = Gravity gun
- Mudkip = BFG 9000
- Chuck Norris = Motorola razor
- Kratos = Hyper beam
- An American = Fat man
- Steven Seagal = Soul calibour
- Flubber = Groin armour
- Huggy Bear = Pimp hat