Octembuary

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Octembuary was invented in 1992 by NASA as a means to give astronauts some intelligible time keeping controls due to them losing the ability to do so thanks to "weird lights" - a space anomaly caused by escaping fart gas according to top secret files.

It's disclosure[edit]

The actual case file was never released to the public per se, but it did accidentally get leaked. The top secret high security level ultra Do-Not-Read case file, was accidentally sent to Jerry Springer as part of one of his chat shows about a fat women with a penis who was secretly having an affair with the maid's pet crocodile behind her back. The reasons given by those responsible for such an accident later blamed it on the office buffoon they had employed at the NASA archives as part of a retard rehabilitation work plan. How or why this buffoon managed to send the file to the Jerry Springer show is to this day unknown.

Jerry Springer received the file on the morning of January 12th 1993, nearly a year after the file was created by NASA. He allegedly mistook the title of the file as a practical joke by the Springer production team, and figured it was part of the show and needed reading out to the audience much like he usually did with guest's stories.

The file[edit]

Interestingly Jerry didn't once pause or double take anything he was reading. This has never been explained either by him or his pet frog. The following is the exact representation of how Jerry read the top secret file over the air (even with audience reactions).

Octembuary, case file one. NASA top secret paper (please do not leak to public):
Topic: Astronaut Buzz Lightyear has on several occasions pointed out to us that Space is very big. He was the first person on the Moon after all so only he would know this. Since he's currently supreme overlord of the clangers and refuses to come back to Mars (see secret case file, Earth is Mars, Mars is Earth shhh!), he's demanding we instate a new month to accommodate his apparent lack of time keeping skills. He proposes this new month be called Octembuary. [Springer Audience Boos]
Related: Major Tom at Ground control has often stated a new month could violate the very laws of physics. Up would become down. Down would become left. Left would become purple. Purple would become Kyle MacLachlan's friggin' huge chin. The fabric of space time would kaplode and Frank Sinatra would spew out in several billion different directions causing instant death to all. [Audience Cheers]
Of course, the facts behind all this remains dubious since we all Know Major Tom is deaf and smells of cat piss. But even so, we put our top monkey on the case and came up with a remarkable conclusion. The inclusion of a new Space month would indeed help astronauts tell the time better. Please view case notes below;
Notes: Astronauts have complained about funny lights in space. This is actually caused by fart gas escaping from the poo containers stored outside the craft. As you should be briefed on, poo cannot be disposed of in space as it becomes rock hard in the cold of the vacuum and is likely to cause penetration on the space craft. We've not had a fatal faecal penetration to date (well, except for that case with Tom Hanks in Apollo 13 but that was all Kevin Bacon's fault), but regardless fart gas does somehow manage to get through the seals. They're poo tight seals, not air tight after all. [Member of audience is ejected at this point by bodyguards for attempting to fling dung at bemused guests]
Anyway these weird lights contribute to poor mental conception of time and thus, after just three minutes of space living, an astronaut can think it's a month later and he's living in a holiday home in Alabama (remember how long it took the Russians to get Yuri down because of that? And he didn't even know where Alabama was!).
With all this basic knowledge we have, plus with the backing of Barry Scott and new "Cilit bang!" We have agreed to secretly create the new month. By the way did I mention secretly? As in the public must not know. We have no actual proof they'd care, we just don't want to crack up laughing when explaining ourselves as we talk about poo live on air hehehehehehe" [Audience joins in with laughing]

Aftermath[edit]

Shorty after reading this, news soon spread through out Jerry Springer fandom and before long all three fans had attracted the attention of NASA and the CIA. A death squad sent in by the head of the CIA at the time (Darth Vader) at the request of NASA and Sony, dropped a small thermal-nuclear bomb on the studio, which all but destroyed the top secret paper, and even more devastatingly, Jerry's glasses (luckily his tough exoskeleton saved him and he was able to permanently borrow a new skin from someone in the street - this event became known as Rise of the Jerryminator in itself).

Where are they now?[edit]

  • As time progressed, everyone forgot about the new month's existence.
  • Buzz Lightyear, with his demands met, said farewell to his Clanger home world and his Clanger bride and four hundred offspring and returned to Earth, only to be killed to death by a flying frozen poo, that legend has it Tom Hanks flushed into space to save the Apollo 13 mission.
  • Jerry Springer with his new Human flesh suit made it big on primetime and eventually became the Mayor of Canada. A statue of his likeness was erected in New York as well, but it was stolen a few seconds before the unveiling.
  • NASA went into hiding and was never heard from or seen again.
  • Darth Vader was forcefully retired from the CIA in 1995 after his plans for a Death Star were uncovered. He was apparently furious, and though it is unknown at this point exactly what happened in the events after his retirement, but experts think the entire Universe was destroyed.
  • The fat woman with a penis married the crocodile and they had three children.
  • Alabama was executed for crimes against Texas.
  • Tom Hanks was shot to death, then beaten, by an unknown assailant at the 2007 Oscars after he turned up there for no apparent reason other than to be a seat filler.
  • McDonalds still sell shit to a lucrative astronaut consumer market.

Octembuary in modern culture[edit]

Octembuary became another memory of an event that probably never happened, and is as such often now used purely to depict a time of the year that doesn't actually exist... Probably. The number of days in the month are generally calculated on the Carl-Poo Scale. Prof. Carl Bumson of NASA's formula was part of the only piece of paper that the explosion at the studio didn't destroy, and many scientific people like Stephen Hawking, Tom Cruise and of course John Travolta have all attempted to solve it to no avail. According to leaked memos since the incident, the formula has since been amended into the Carl-Poo (A) - where A is for amended. Or arsehole, no one really knows.

The Scale predeicts the total number od days required for the month so that astronaughts don't lose their time keeping skills when experiencing a fart gas light anomaly durin space missions, and is accuratly calculated by halving the total amount of poo on board by the general mass, minus the stink factor multiplied by the relative explusion rate; that is just a simplified expression however, ultimately it is recorded as:

D=n+yr(*&^14-Margaret Thatcher) x Colons^3

The result is only ever 33 or 40 days, never anything else. To date no one but Carl Bumson has been able to successfully calculate the formula however, and since it was all part of the top secret files he's never been able to publicly explain it. Time Travelling Jesus has suggested people simply estimate how much shit they've dumped in December and if the figure they come up with is anything bigger than 3, then they should assume Octembuary has 40 days.

See also[edit]

Rise of the Jerryminator

Darth Vader destroys the Universe

The 12 Months of the Year:
January | February | March | April | May | June | July | August | September | October | November | December