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- 4,327,340 B.C. - Fire is invented. Matches, which had been in use for years beforehand, now finally have a use.
- 4,327,339 B.C. - The competition to create the biggest bang results in the accidental creation of aerosols.
- 105 B.C. - The Greeks invent a fire which doesn't go out when in contact with water. They call it "Greek Fire".
- 103 B.C. - A hasty rebranding of "Greek Fire" goes wrong, and the newly renamed "AlphaFire+" is scrapped. Nobody bothers to write down the formula.
- 1081 - King Wilhelm IV of North West Prussia dies. The North West Prussia Gazette finally has front page news that doesn't involve the word "sauerkraut".
- 1611 - Several people are executed for "petty theft" in Hungary, much to the amusement of the Austrians, who framed them.
- 1612 - Hungary goes to war with Austria.
- 1613 - Several Austrians are extradited to Hungary, where they are executed for "obstructing the cause of justice". Hungary withdraws from Austria, after 40 million people have died.
- 1846 - Mr. Georges "Bang-Bang" Firework, of Sparkler Street, Catherine Wheel, New Jersey, finally invents the trampoline.
- 1859 - Mr. Henry "Boing-Boing" Jumper, of Trampoline Terrace, Bouncy, Ohio, finally invents the firework. Various historians later switch the facts to amuse themselves.
- 1910 - People realise fireworks are better at night.
- 1913 - Parties are held throughout London, celebrating the fact that they have just signed a peace treaty with Germany.
- 1936 - An Austrian physicist discovers the long lost formula for "AlphaFire+". Unfortunately, his lab then burnt down.
- 1957 - Historians jump with joy as they discover what Edward Crapper invented.
- 1995 - Several Hungarians nick a firecracker from an Austrian shop, and then proceed to blame some Austrians.
- 1996 - The Hungarians are burnt at the stake, ironically using their own firecracker.
- 2002 - The official date of the discovery of fire is discovered by historians. They attribute the discovery to Mr. Alfred "Burn-Burn" Hotstuff.