Of Mice and Men

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Of Mice and Men
Of mice and men james bond.jpg
Directed by Clint Eastwood
Written by Steinbeck
Starring Timothy Dalton, Robert Palmer, John Candy, Freddy Krueger as Candy and Lee Van Cleef clint eastwood as curley
Produced by Clint Eastwood
Distributed by United Artists
Release date 1986
Runtime 2 hours, 2 minutes
Language English, Japanese-Brazillian
Budget $7,921,003
IMDb page

Of Mice and Men is a 1986 James Bond Romantic comedy starring Timothy Dalton and Robert Palmer and directed and produced by Clint Eastwood based on the Screenplay by Steinbeck.


Sometime during the 1970s, an pile of napkins with the screenplay for "Of Mice and Men" arrived at the desk of Liongate Studios written in blood and mud and dated 1941. It changed ownership over 70 times but was eventually picked up by United Artists in 1986 and approved by Ian Fleming to become the next Bond film (From outside the universe.)

The cast was assimilated in three weeks, and filming began in July of 1984 and ended in November of 1986, leaving less than two months to cut the film for theaters as specified in the films contract. It was released to limited success on Christmas Eve's Eve in the North Pole and then later released on Christmas Day worldwide by Santa Claus.


The plot was trimmed down quite a bit from the original version, keeping only the elements of a distraught James Bond arriving in California to go undercover as a workhand in a somewhat questionable Hay Ranch operated by a eccentric boxer and his friendly wife, suspected of growing Opiates to sell to Mexican Islamic Radicals to use against Spain.

There is also a subplot within this film- an impending tornado is whirling through the countryside and strikes fear into the hearts of the cabbages. The only thing that can save them; Hello Kitty.


Shortly after going undercover as a workhand at the ranch with the assistance of Jaws, an oversized ex-villain currently taking psychotherapy to recover from his tendency to bite people with his large metal teeth 007 finds himself in the midst of an International and Multi-cultural group of Ranch hands, janitors, and gamblers. Most notably John Candy (As himself), who is an aging out of work janitor with one arm, three legs, one eye, 4 teeth, and three cheek bones, and Lee Van Cleef (Also as himself) whom leads the Ranch hands through their daily duties.

After spending several nights on the farm and contracting crabs, it becomes obvious that the Ranch Owner, called “Handy” for his horse milking ability, makes it a point to pick on the harmless Jaws (None of the other Ranch Hands know the nature of Bond or his accomplices mission) to the point that he actually bites off

Bond prepares to unleash his StarPower on them rats.

his hand, yet due to OSHA standards he cannot fire Jaws and instead his estranged wife (Played by Prince) attempts to seduce Jaws into making love to her, not only to provoke Handy but also to infect him with a deadly STD that will turn his bones into soft tissue and give him telescopic vision.

In the meantime, Bond begins to sneak around the ranch at night and discovers that the Hay Bailing operation is nothing more than a cover-up operation for an bizarre plot to send Opiate laden field mice in a massive flock across the Mexican Border to later round-up and sell for drug money to fund an Mexican based Islamic Terrorist Faction’s attack on Mozambique. It is also revealed that the hay they have been cultivating is actually an natural plastic explosive. The mice are revealed to have been genetically altered to produce Opium like substances inside their body instead of fatty tissue and skin oils.

Bond is discovered by the secret Mexican organization owned by carlos grigg running the facility and held captive by nymphs, fairies, and a transvestite version of Elton John (Rock-it-man...cause he likes rocket shaped things), it is here that he learns that none other than his arch-nemesis Auric Blofeld is behind this operation, this time he plans not to attack Mozambique, but to instead deploy his unknowing army in Utah to attack and take over the state and revert it to a Mormon Theocracy funded by Opium money and from there to branch out into the rest of the West, and revive Andrew Jackson as President, so that he can face the toughest Irishman to ever come to power in the United States in an extremely elaborate, real-world version of the board game Risk, and to effectively take over where the British, Mexicans, and French left off-this in an effort to antagonize Emperor Palpatine's supporters in the Vatican to buy a Canadian owned Boat Manufacturer that sold a defective speedboat to Blofeld four years earlier and cost him the lower portion of both his ear lobes.

However, in the meantime a simple Birthday party for Candy has led to all out destruction, in which Handy’s wife attempted to feed Jaws a puppy. He mistakenly bit off the back of her head and is now on the run and wanted for murder. In the panic that ensues, Bond is freed from captivity by Candy and Lee Van Cleef whom pursue Blofeld for several minutes before instead turning to pursue Jaws before the angry mob of Ranch Hands and Handy find him first, and reveal him to also be a co-conspirator of Bond. Before leaving the underground facility, Bond frees all the mice and constructs a device using his favorite Rolex and a tractor battery to set off the field of Explosive Hay, destroying the Ranch and the opiate producing colony of mice.

Bond find Jaws along the banks of the Tigris Euphrates river less than a mile outside the Ranch, 007 hears the footsteps of the approaching Mob-and begins to tell Jaws his favorite story about the Steven Spielberg movie of the same name, while doing so he pulls out the last remaining opiate mouse from his pocket, and at the last minute force feeds it to Jaws-causing him to overdose and allowing 007 to pull his teeth with a hammer without protest. When the angry mob arrives, Bond drapes the scalp of Handy’s wife around Jaws’ head, and introduces her as a whore he picked up on the way to buy bullets. The mob passes him without interest and the movie abruptly ends.

In the Director's Cut edition, Hello Kitty is shown later eating the cabbages she was supposed to have saved. This story is not a happy one.


Critical Reception[edit]

The film was received by Critics without much criticism, nor praise, as it was a bit slower paced than the usual Bond film, it also had a deeper and more intricate plot than many of its fellow films. It was seen by many as being too "Americanized" and too much like a film set in the Great Depression.

Box Office Success[edit]

The film was a moderate hit at the box office, Generating $71,282,884,925 World Wide in its first Month in Theaters.

Spin-off's, Action Figures, and Paperback Edition[edit]

A television series was planned for the ABC network, starring Roger Moore as Blofeld and Kurt Russel as Bond, it was set as a prequel to the film, and would introduce how Blofeld became acquantied with the Mexican Faction and how Bond would've ended up in California, a pilot episode was filmed, yet never aired, and was included in the Special Edition DVD.

A line of action figures was released through Mattel, most famous for the recall of the Blofeld action figure because it came with an actual working harpoon gun.

In 1987, a Novel was written by John Steinbeck that further elaborated on the plot, and backstory of the film as a way to tie it in to the rest of the 007 series. It was released through Scholastic Books and was not very successful at first, but later became an instant bestseller, then went out of print, and was available only on Book On CD.

See also[edit]