Ohio University

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Ohio University is a public university located in the wastelands of south-east Ohio. Ohio University is now one of the top educational institutions in the world (so they'd like to think). Some people may have even heard of it. It is the self proclaimed best student centered experience in the nation.

Young white people enjoying a black mass outside of one of Ohio University's fine dormitories. These fine dormitories are limited to 1.74 per green.


Ohio University was founded in Athens, Ohio in 1804 by white-supremacists as an asylum for homosexuals and the Irish. Athens was chosen as the site for the asylum because of its proximity to West Virginia and its decadent troves of under-age prostitutes. In 1860, the asylum was overrun by the Vandals, who persisted in drawing anarchy symbols on walls and breaking windows. A year later, the Civil War broke out and Athens became the national capitol of the South. Confederate president E.W. Scripps personally slaughtered all members of the invading Vandal tribes and converted the Asylum into a college to accommodate the large influx of semi-retarded eighteen year-olds from Cincinnati and other cities across Ohio that start with the letter C into Athens. In 1865, with the combined forces of the Army of the Republic and the Rogue Squadron surrounding Athens, E.W. Scripps gave the Food Network ownership and control of Ohio University, briefly made love to his mistress Rachael Ray, and committed suicide using a DVD of Final Destination. For the next century, lots of white people came to Ohio University and consumed alcohol and engaged in sexual intercourse, and then proceeded to become unsuccessful. To offset this stigma of being a party school, faculty of the university sent emails to all the students stating how the title "#1 party school" is not backed by any scientific research, but the students (who don't give a fuck) wear that title proudly. In 1994, Ohio University admitted its first African-American student, Roddy McD, who later went on to become vice-president of the university under MacGyver. You can follow Roddy on twitter, where he rants about banging the wife, flying in "da jet", and ripping stop signs out of the ground during Palmer Fest in 2009.

HallOUween (the stupid way to spell it, but when in Rome. Right?) in Athens is known nationally, or so we like to think, as the biggest Halloween party. Basically, thousands of students, townies, forest people, and more weird people step foot into our little town and ruin all the fun for the OU students. Ever 17th person you see during HallOUween is a cop, coincidentally every 17th gets arrested and the town makes close to $792,183.93 off of underages, yet somehow has no money to fix the 2,900 potholes. When driving on any given road in Athens it feels as if you are driving on the moon.

Academic Programs[edit]

Ohio University is world-renownedish when it comes to academics. Though this may not apply to academic integrity, the university offers a wide range of courses of study. Some of the sort of more well-known programs include:

  • Scripps College of Self-Important Communications
  • College of Whatever-the-Fuck Osteopathic Medicine Is
  • College of Fine Arts and Not Quitting Your Day-Job
  • College of Health and Human Services (fancy way of saying "nurse")
  • Russ College of Engineering and Never Getting Laid
  • Honors Tutorial College for Over-Achieving Pricks
  • College of Business (fancy way of saying "corporate-nobody")
  • College of Arts and Sciences, but not really because I wouldn't call a sociologist a scientist.

Regional Campuses[edit]

In addition to the main campus in Athens, Ohio University has five regional campuses:

  • Somewhere
  • Elsewhere
  • Lancaster (where?)
  • Zanesville (Zoo)?
  • That Other Place

Those who attend these regional campuses show an even lower degree of success in life than their peers in Athens, and are usually heckled and maimed in the job market.


If one was to walk the streets of Athens during peak class hours one would assume the girl to guy ratio to be 8:1. It is indeed barely 2:1.

Fests of Athens[edit]

Apparently anyone who has a facebook is entitled to create a fest, as several were created in the Fall of 2011.