Old Jersey

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Not to be confused with New Jersey (Please, don't do that)
"The current Prime Minister of Jersey. (If only he knew that there's no such thing as PM of J) He spends his time deluding himself and pinching jaffa cakes. Have you ever seen chocolate blush? Hmm? You motherf**ker! Also, the PM of J is committed to stopping noggers invading the island and breading like f**k, spreading AIDS and genocide..."
Jersey is here. It is this shape. It has always been, and always will be!
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jersey.

Old Jersey (oft' calleth by ye monicre o' Jersey), is an island off of the coast of France... the inner coast! Jersey is a well known paradise for paedophiles, rapists and people who say 'cock'.

Jersey was founded in Yearteen-Yearty-Year by St Limony the Cold. Basically, he was cold, and then... Jesus, or someone in a beard told him that if he started an island, he'd be warm. And the rest, as they say, is, history.

The Island then passed hands between the English and the French for a few centuries, both losing the island and their dignities. England lost these wars because England was a lame nation populated by horses and peasants, unlike France, which totally owned Jersey until 1916 when the Germans took it away from them. It was later reclaimed by the US and given back to France, who lost it again to the Germans in 1941. After the US took it back from Germany again, Germany was sent to the principal's office, however the US kept it as the 41st state, telling France that since it couldn't play nicely, it wasn't allowed to play with it anymore. France is still pissed at us for it.

It was decided that the mentally retarded members of Jersey should either be sent to run chinchilla farms in Peru or be forced to set up their own community. For this reason, the island of Guernsey was formed.

Modern History (Histoire Moderne) (Zeitgenössische Geschichte)[edit]

Jersey (or Jermany as the locals like to say) was conquered by the Nazis during That War With Nazis In It. And to this day remains the only remaining province of the Third Reich. As such it is home to many loveable old Nazis. Like Ernst Rohm, and that one with the limp. To this day the streets sometime echo to the clickken-clackken of the Nazi jack-boot, and "museums" propagandizing occupation memorabilia staffed by blond-haired Gewürztraminer sausage-eaters are commonplace. (Especially the underground "hospital" - supposedly built by Jerman prisoners of war to service the third reichs war machine - It was actually built by the Swiss to stage massive all night underground Scalextric competitions for the delectation of the Waffen SS.) (Scalextric Skool.)

It was shortly after the Nazi invasion that mainland UK 'forgot' about the island of Jersey and it remained lost in the annuls of time until Jamie Oliver rediscovered it in his annoying Sainsbury's Potato advert of 2006. Something else we have to thank the fat tongued f****r for! This island was also invaded by the normans back in 1100 a.d.

Recently a Hostile takeover of Jersey was taken by the Polish and other 3rd world country immigrants such as Lithuanians and Romanians. Jersey in Reply became a tax haven and initiated 3 operations, the first one being operation 'What Ever' aka 'WE' (thought up by the States of Jersey on the immigrant issue) followed closely by 'Leave Our Vegetable Eaters and pickers' nicknamed 'LOVE'. Only weeks later another operation was introduced by the States of Jersey cleaning department, it was called operation 'Pondering Over Legal Immigrant Suit for Harassment' which became famous for it's nickname 'POLISH'. The people of Jersey then decided that 3 operations called 'WE' 'LOVE' and 'POLISH' seemed a bit strange. A retreat has been ordered by the Polski Skleps C.E.O according to our defence minister, Maskeus Zwerseski.


King Peter Mac

King Peter Mac hosts radio shows on Channel 103.7fm (the only radio station you can pick up on your fillings from outer space) with his Queen Katy Ringsdore and their loyal servant Bruce. His palace, Onion House, is located on Onion Street, Sexy-Town (The 13th Parish where you are legally required to wear a hat and a lemon wedge in your arse at all times). Huge traffic delays occur every weekday morning during the "Breakfast" show (the one you eat with your cornflakes) due to many making the daily pilgrimage to the palace in the 13th parish, which is conveniently situated in the heart of St. Helier where every single islander works/goes to school.


Jersey's School system is composed of Primary Schools, Secondary Schools, Colleges and Prison Centers. The Primary Schools take small happy children and mentally cripple them to the point where they actually consider Burberry clothes to be fashionable. The secondary schools then offer a chance for these children to stray down another path and become self harming, Satan worshipers who consider a man screaming in pain, because he has been shot in the anus, to be an interesting piece of music. The Colleges then place those who survive through mental eradication where all previously learned knowledge (Not that much to be honest) is completely wiped and the students emerge as hollowed out robotic shells of their former selves. Although, if you enjoy heavy exposure to alcoholic substances then you probably wont mind this process.

A List of Concentration Camp Facilities may look like this

Primary Schools[edit]

  • Bel Royal School
  • d'Auvergne School
  • First Tower School
  • Grands Vaux School
  • Grouville School
  • Janvrin School
  • La Moye School
  • Les Landes School
  • Mont Nicolle School
  • Plat Douet School
  • Rouge Bouillon School
  • Samares School
  • Springfield School
  • St Clement's School
  • St John's School
  • St Lawrence School
  • St Luke's School
  • St Martin's School
  • St Mary's School
  • St Peter's School
  • St Saviour's School
  • Schule der Drittes Reich und Hamburgers, würste, Bier und Lederhosen
  • Schule der Beschäftigung und des Eindringens
  • Wurstschule
  • Raus! Schnell!

Secondary Schools[edit]

  • Grainville School
  • Haute Vallee School
  • Hautlieu
  • Le Rocquier School (The SH!T one)
  • Les Quennevais School


  • Hautlieu
  • Highlands (for people who actually know what they want to do)(For the people who aren't smart enough to get into Hautlieu)


The people of Jermany eat sausages, just like the fatherland, seafood... and potatoes. Well known dishes include

  • tourists with a side of "freedom-fighter"
  • prawns with mashed potato
  • fish-sausage with potatoes
  • boiled sausage potatoes with crab
  • beer
  • Rohwurst (raw sausages - loads of them)
  • potatoes with potato
  • sausage chips and sea bass
  • fillet of mackerel with lightly sauteed potatoes and beer sausages
  • two potatoes with crabs
  • During the Autumn months the island has its famous "notquiteatennerfest" in which the restaurants charge slightly less than their usual astronomic prices for a fishy article and a fibrous root vegetable
  • Jersey Bean crock made with pigs trotters and tastes like S%^t, this is no joke
  • All served with a side dish of potatoes
  • Potato de la potato
  • Jersey wonders(a sickly type of doughnut)and limpet stew topped with ground limpet shell

Night Life (Apart from Smuggling)[edit]

On first glance Jersey does not appear to have a night life but on closer inspection there does appear to actually be one. It may be easier to find if you camouflage your self to look like the local Flora by wrapping your self in Burberry and waiting till some of the local Fauna to pass you by and then follow them to 1 of the hottest night spots on the island, Hours can be wasted away drinking Potato Juice (freshly squeezed from fresh Jersey Royal Potatoes) in Liberation Square. Alternatively you could go in search of quaint drinking holes doted around the island. (If you can get past the all the f**king Australians)

On Friday evenings many young Jersey folk are found in clubs such as semi-solid or aluminium. These are located next to the seafront so that undesirables, or people from Guernsey can be drowned at short notice. Get down to the main taxi-rank in St Helier at closing time, if you like to end the evening either A) Getting your head kicked in. B) Kicking someones head in. Or C) Watching someone vomit.

While out enjoying your night in one of the many pubs or CLUB some local will arrive trying to take your picture on a digital camera whilst trying to dance, then shoving the camera in your face tring to approve the picture. the next day you will find this picture on a website. if you wish to have your OWN picture you must part with a stupid amount of money, a couple of days later you will find this picture on your doorstep, in the catflap, or up a dogs arse.

How to establish that you are indeed on Jersey[edit]

You know you're in Jersey when...

  1. You have to pay to see a local carnival (i.e The Battle of Flowers)
  2. Everyone is Jersey Born
  3. Everyone thinks you're a millionaire
  4. The Ponton Hotel in Jersey is the main inspiration for the horror film "The Wrong Turn"
  5. Everyone gets confused by a filter in turn
  6. There are no double decker busses
  7. Every shop sells fudge
  8. Everyone keeps banging on about “the cleanest beaches in the world”
  9. The locals are clearly confused about roundabouts
  10. The guy serving your drinks is Australian/Irish/Polish/Portuguese/
  11. You pay over a thousand pounds a month to live in a single room
  12. The elderly speak with an accent that slips somewhere between Johannesburg and Birmingham
  13. You have at least had some form of verbal assault from Crazy Joyce
  14. It costs more to go to Guernsey than it does to go to England
  15. There's a SPAR wherever you go
  16. Everyone either taks about Call of Duty or football

Jersey Celebrities[edit]

  • Heinrich Himmler
  • Crazy Joyce
  • Hole Face/ Bin Lady
  • Jimmy the Sock
  • Frog Man
  • Hedley le Maistre
  • "Sentor" Stuart Syvret - currently seeking asylum

See Also[edit]