Onanism

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Onanism has for centuries been considered a heinous crime punishable by death and/or blindness. In recent years onanating has become more commonplace, and now merely results in the death of kittens.

Named after its creator, Onan the Barbarian, Onanism is a mystic ritual which is outlined as follows:

  • 1. Meeting a girl.
  • 2. Wooing said girl.
  • 3. Failing utterly.

What occurs next varies from culture to culture, but consists generally of lighting a personal fire, strangling a chicken, and/or physically reprimanding a simian.

The ritual culminates with the spilling of various seeds and nuts about one's living space, then ceremoniously removing the evidence from the remote control or keyboard with tissues.

See also: Masturbation, Masturbernation