Onanism has for centuries been considered a heinous crime punishable by death and/or blindness. In recent years onanating has become more commonplace, and now merely results in the death of kittens.
Named after its creator, Onan the Barbarian, Onanism is a mystic ritual which is outlined as follows:
- 1. Meeting a girl.
- 2. Wooing said girl.
- 3. Failing utterly.
What occurs next varies from culture to culture, but consists generally of lighting a personal fire, strangling a chicken, and/or physically reprimanding a simian.
The ritual culminates with the spilling of various seeds and nuts about one's living space, then ceremoniously removing the evidence from the remote control or keyboard with tissues.