Oompah Loompah

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OMPA LOOPMA DOTLEY DOO, IVE GOT A STORY FOR YOU. or however that f*****g song goes

If you are looking for the Band, Oompa Loompa try here.

If you are looking for the species, try here.

If you are looking for James H wackeyspooning, the famous rocket-mathematcion-superhero-megaspy try here

“Oompah, loompah, doompadee doo, In Soviet Russia, candy eats YOU!!!”

~ Yakov Smirnoff on Candy
The King of Oompa Loompas

“Tell them I hate them!”

~ Hubert J. Farnsworth on Grunka Lunkas

“There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are short with green hair. That's okay. Just spell my name right and fix me some candy.”

~ Mike Tyson on Those little green midget bitches

The Oompah Loompah, (latin name: Greenus dwarfia) is a rare species of underground cave goblins. However some taxonomists classify oompah loompahs as reptiles, and the debate continues to echo throughout the scientific community. Oompah Loompah extract is considered extremely beneficial,although owing to their high combustibility index (somewhere between nitroglycerin and Ammonium Tri-Iodide), it is an extremely expensive substance, which is used to cure excessive paranoia, optimism, patriotism, self-righteousness, and, in some test studies, kitten-huffing addiction. However, owing to the side effects profile of uncontrollable babbling, joining right wing splinter-factions, mass murder and severe gastric explosions, this product has been banned in Germany France and the US (except for use on terrorists, Canadians, and the poor). They are prized by eccentric industrialists as a cheap source of slavery and kindling. Often engaging in head to head combat with anyone that comes close to them, these fascinating beings stand at only 4' 2" (125cm) and can be identified by their cameo appearance in a crap film: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. In reality they are little Asian boys working as slaves for the British Emparh as punishment for trying to destroy pure IMPERIAL Britain.


A rare photo of AC/DC guitarist Angus Young without makeup, revealing his true identity as an Oompah Loompah

In their natural form, the Oompah Loompah appears to be a squat humanoid with deep green skin and large clumps of hair protruding from their ears. To human eyes male and female Oompah Loompahs appear identical. However, a quick examination shows that male Oompah Loompahs have disproportionately large genitalia (with some rare exceptions, such as Tom Cruise, who actually has no male genitals).


The diet of an ordinary Oompah Loompah is mostly chocolate, candy, and the flesh of living kittens. However, there are some Oompah Loompahs with special diet requirements due to OLD (Oompah Loompah Diabetes) and other diseases.

Due to their disturbing dietary habits, and due to their OLDness, the Oompa Loompahs have horrible diarrhea. This is noticeable in the "chocolate" river- a whole body of liquid, diarrheatic feces. The reason for this extraordinary phenomenon is the lack of restrooms in the factory, and the wild, barbaric habits of the Oompa Loompahs. They have nowhere to egest their chocolate-like excreta, therefore they do the only logical thing to do: they release it into the river and grass, where it is least noticeable. This also gives the chocolate its unique taste, as can be observed by Willy Wonka, who says,"The waterfall is most important! It mixes the chocolate!...its the only way to do do it properly! The only way!"

Sexual reproduction[edit]

The traditional sexual practices of Oompah Loompahs are a closely guarded secret. However, recent research has shown that the following factors must be present for intercourse and conception to occur between two( or more) Oompah Loompahs:

Brian Peppers loves to touch Oompah Loompahs.

Interestingly, Judy Garland, a devotee of terrifying tiny people, was known for her love and admiration for Oompah Loompah Culture, and wound up marrying two of them at once in 1976.They later went on to have five half-midget children. When asked about her choice she laughed and said, "Ding dong!" Nobody was quite sure what she meant, but she is reported to have looked pretty happy about the whole thing.

Nowadays, Oompa Loompah and human breeding is more commonly known across the world, however is looked down upon by the general public. However, their is no law prohibiting this, yet so it is a perfectly legal act, no matter how....disturbing. Oompa Loompah and Human offspring are called 'Hoompah Bloompahs'

'Hoompah Bloompahs' generally have blue, orange or no hair, they stand about a foot higher than your average Oompahs, have green skin and unlike Oompah Loompahs can't sing and dance in a perfectly synchronised manner.

Discovery of the Oompah Loompah[edit]

Oompah Loompahs were first discovered by the man in 1947 in Roswell New Mexico. A ridiculous flying saucer story was concocted to hide the potentially explosive news that a new species of humanoid had been discovered.

The man found at least 300 Oompas and transported them to a sweatshop in a secret location in the middle east, here the Oompa-lumpahs were taught respect and fear for their masters. Until one unamed Oompa stood up for what he believed in, refusing to do his work, until he could see his beautiful human bride and his 3 freaky children (see reproduction). Although he was shot through the eye, many Oompa Lumpahs took up his example, and in 1962, January 12th they rebelled from their owners, making their escape east across many countries. Eventually they found themselves in a rainforest were they decided to stop running and being their new life amongst the trees and panda bear traps.

The Oompah Loompah Liberation Army[edit]

A recent interview with one of the main participants in the war.

The Willy Wonka sex scandal caused massive outcry within Oompah Loompah society, and thus much poorly choreographed robot dancing. Within a year a small group of dissident Oompah Loompahs had formed a terrorist group called the 'Oompah Loompah Liberation Army' (OLLA).

The Army's first target was Spain, which had long been at the forefront of Oompah Loompah exploitation. That campaign quickly fell into chaos however when it was discovered that the Army's acronym meant 'hello' in the native tongue. Fortunately, Spain's lack of stomach for any form of violent protest saw the entire nation retreat into Portugal.

Seeing the turmoil next door, France immediately surrendered to the band of fifteen green midgets.

For decades OLLA were content with forcing France and Spain to work only 2 hours a day and indulge in widespread pornography. However, by the late 1990s some members of the group had grown restless and encouraged a new wave of terrorism. Started in 2001 OLLA targeted the United States of America.

Their campaign seemed doomed when President George W. Bush announced a brutal counter offensive against "them little guys who is terrorizin' Freedom". The FBI offered a $500,000,000 (£5) reward for the capture of one of these beings. There have been recent rumours that Bush (511th President of the Moon) recently captured an Oompah Loompah and asked that he could have 3 1/2 waffles instead of the $500, 000, 000 (£5). Fortunately, Bush got the Oompah Loompahs confused with North Korea and overlooked the real threat.

The Wonka Scandal[edit]

In late 2005, a previously unheard of man began to claim that his candy was made by Oompa Loompas. Taming the Loompa was a feat few men had ever been capable of, and fewer had actually accomplished. If this man could back it up, he could easily be the richest, and most successful, candymaker of our time.

Willy Wonka was later accused of dressing midgets in lederhosen and painting them orange before sending them to work in his factory. His college roommate at the time, Freud, secured the paint for them whilst Wonka invented the "candy" that was made in the factories by his "Oompa Loompas", after being sent to investigate, the FBI and RIAA closed down the factory and arrested Wonka for Crimes Against Humanity. It turns out the "candy" was just mediocre midget porn.

Wonka now works for the AAAAAA, spearing their "We don't being Monsters to Japan" campaign.


Infiltration of human society[edit]

For centuries some Oompah Loompahs have sought a better life for themselves by concealing their green skin and attempting to infiltrate human society, especially Western society. Though nobody knows the true extent of their incursion, some famous figures have been confirmed as actually being Oompah Loompahs. These include:

Whoopi Goldberg, a famous Oompah Loompah

Oompa Loompas are also repsonsible for stock market fluctuations, pregnancies, and slightly raised sections of pavement. Levels of the drug insulin are linked through the Vegas Nebula to the hairs surrounding the arseholes of managing directors around the world. When Oompa Loompas eat, insulin levels increase, and through the complicated negative feedback mechanism control the economies of entire countries.