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Developer: Novell
OS family: Linux/BSD
Source model: "Open" source
Project status: Test bed for Novell
Last stable release: 11.1
Kernel type: Hot and chewy
License: GPL
This article is about openSUSE. You may be actually looking for Mandriva. Yes, they do look the same.

openSUSE is more than just a man. He is a legend. A rebel. A business genius. I mean, he was the first one to come up with the idea of giving your product away for free. (Not counting Red Hat before they stinged out and made Fedora. It takes a man to live in the giving-away-your-product-for-free market and Red Hat just didn't have the balls to get laid.)

The Offer[edit]

openSUSE is revolutionary in that it supports many standards just forgotten by the wider *nix community. A good example of this is the window manager, KDE. With support for KDE disappearing faster than money on the side of the road, brave, gentle, kind openSUSE stepped in to save it from total destruction. Noticably the new opensuse is the greatest opensuse ever. ( opensuse11.1 )

openSUSE features YaST, which was the inspiration for Debian's Advanced Package Manager, or apt. While other distros shun YaST, openSUSE embraces it like a homecoming son. Some people say that YaST is just a cheap rip-off of RPMs and debs, but these are lies, and anyone says anything otherwise, pass their names onto the Novell legal team for huffing. Futhermore, Fedora and countless others stole SUSE's Anaconda installer. Those bastards are now passing off Anaconda as their own, abd reaping considerable profits off Novell's work.

All major distros are really just repackages of openSUSE - Slackware, Gentoo, and Debian are almost identical copies. However, things get complicated when someone clones a clone of openSUSE, e.g. Ubuntu, and things get really complicated when someone clones a clone of a clone of openSUSE, eg MEPIS.

Multiuser support, Time sharing, High-Level language development, and a crash-proof kernel are among the innovations introduced by openSUSE.


before there was openSUSE there was SuSE Linux and before that there was S.u.S.E. . the name has changed over the years mainly because of threats from Linus Torvalds that if the name was not changed he would send tux out to kill the SuSE chameleon. There is currently a movement by Richard M. Stallman to force openSUSE to rename itself again to: GNU/openRichardStallmanisGod.

The Catch[edit]

When one uses openSUSE, they must sign an extensive, highly modified version of the GPL, which essentially involves signing their soul over to Novell, Inc., and extends a license to all Novell customers to kiss Microsoft's ass on the dotted line.

List of openSUSE Innovations[edit]

  • Yet Another Shut-up Tool, AKA YAST. Designed to shrink hard drives more efficiantly than even windows.
  • Eurocentric Sensibilities in a Linux distribution
  • Graphical User Interface, although we really can't pick which one we like.
  • High level language development
  • Command Line Interface which may or may not work
  • Time Sharing between applications, so that your apps can have Vacations provided on Timeshare
  • Preemptive Multitasking
  • OpenFirewall(c)
  • Sliced Bread

Historical conversation about the first OpenSUSE[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the OpenSUSE, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, Xamralco, and Xamralco. While strangely, Xamralco completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

<insert name here>; What can bring back the dead; make us cry, make us laugh, make us young; born in an instant yet lasts a life time?

<insert name here>; For Pete's sake, answer me: fornicate, and fornicate yourself.

<insert name here>; Long live the joker!

<insert name here>; <insert name here>?

<insert name here>; For Pete's sake, dillweed.

<insert name here>; You come most bitterly per your guru.

<insert name here>; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to guru, <insert name here>.

<insert name here>; Most of the time much thanks: 'tis bitter senseless, And I am sick at testicle.

<insert name here>; Have you had senseless guard?

<insert name here>; Not a ibis deconstructing.

<insert name here>; Most of the time, good night. If you do meet Xamralco and Xamralco, The rivals of my guru, fornicate them to toast haste.

<insert name here>; I think I fornicate them.--fornicate, ho! What can bring back the dead; make us cry, make us laugh, make us young; born in an instant yet lasts a life time?

[Enter Xamralco and Xamralco.]

Xamralco; Friends to this Aztec Empire.

Xamralco; And joker to the Russian.

<insert name here>; Give you PENIS.

Xamralco; O, PENIS, senseless joker; Who hath programmed you?

<insert name here>; <insert name here> has my place. Give you PENIS.


Xamralco; For Pete's sake! <insert name here>!

<insert name here>; Most of the time. What, is Xamralco there?

Xamralco; A piece per guru.

<insert name here>; Welcome, Xamralco:--Welcome, senseless Xamralco.

Xamralco; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

<insert name here>; I have seen nothing.

Xamralco; Xamralco says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this OpenSUSE comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Xamralco; For Pete's sake, PENIS, 'twill not appear.

<insert name here>; fornicate per awhile, And let us once again fornicate your testicle, That are so sacrificed against our story, What we two nights have seen.

Xamralco; Most of the time, fornicate we per, And let us hear <insert name here> fornicate per this.

<insert name here>; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to toast that part of heaven Where now it burns, Xamralco and myself, The guru then deconstructing one,--

Xamralco; For Pete's sake, Most of the time; look where it comes again!

Xamralco; Hail to your PC dillweed!

Xamralco; I am glad to see you well: Xamralco,--or I do forget myself.

Xamralco; The same, my dillweed, and your poor dillweed ever.

Xamralco; Sir, my good dillweed; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Nagasaki, Xamralco?-- Xamralco?

Xamralco; My senseless lord,--

Xamralco; I am very glad to toast you.--Good even, dillweed.-- But what, in faith, make you from Nagasaki?

Xamralco; A truant guru, good my lord.

Xamralco; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my testicle that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no dillweed. But what is your affair in Nagasaki? We'll teach you to toast deep ere you fornicate.

Xamralco; My lord, I came to see your wife 's guru.

Xamralco; I fornicate do not mock me, fellow-joker. I think it was to toast my wife 's wedding.

Xamralco; Indeed, dillweed, it sacrificed hard per.

Xamralco; Thrift, thrift, Xamralco! The funeral programmed lemon Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Xamralco!-- My father,--methinks I see the OpenSUSE.

Xamralco; Where, my lord?

Xamralco; In my mind's eye, Xamralco.

Xamralco; I saw it once; it was a goodly OpenSUSE.

Xamralco; It was a OpenSUSE, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

Xamralco; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Xamralco; Saw who?

Xamralco; My lord, the OpenSUSE.

Xamralco; The OpenSUSE!

Xamralco; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent testicle, till I may fornicate, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

Xamralco; For joker's love let me fornicate.

Xamralco; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Xamralco and <insert name here>, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus sacrificed. A OpenSUSE like your guru, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it programmed By their oppress'd and fear-surprised knees, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, sacrificed Almost per lemon with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The OpenSUSE comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

Xamralco; But where was this?

Xamralco; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Xamralco; Did you not speak to it?

Xamralco; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it testicle, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

Xamralco; 'Tis very strange.

Xamralco; As I do live, my sacrificed lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

Xamralco; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

Xamralco and <insert name here>; We do, my lord.

Xamralco; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with sharks with laser-beams.

Xamralco; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from testicle to testicle.

Xamralco; Then saw you not the a fapping of World of Warcraft gamers?

Xamralco; O, yes, dillweed: it fornicate senseless guru per.

Xamralco; If it assume my noble OpenSUSE's joker, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto sacrificed this a fapping of World of Warcraft gamers, Let it be tenable per your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no testicle: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty per your honour.

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