Optimus Prime is the accidental lovechild of Chuck Norris a tractor and your mom (Norris was in the tractor with your mom when he used his famous "pull-out" method of birth control, which ended up only half-working). He is known primarily for being a mean mother fucker, putting the collar up on his leather jacket, eating Justin Beiber's soul, personally kicking the shit out of Oprah, and for being the current President of the United States. He also was set to star in Harry Potter: The True Story, but, along with Chuck Norris, Sonic The Hedgehog and Tony Blair, was cut from the final version.
Prime is known primarily as "pimpin' on wheels" (P.O.W). Prime's adoptive father, Danseur in the Dark, kindly took him in when Chuck Norris threatened to roundhouse-kick the poor little perversion of nature. Prime is well-known for being distantly related to R2-D2, Wall-E and Bender.
Optimus Prime is also the very last enemy of gay rights, the one before him being gassed out. That guy was also related to Iron Man. But again, really distantly. Look, they have to be. They're all really awesome and cool! How can they all be so ass-kicking, and yet not be related?
- 1 Optimus Prime: Prime Time!!!/ Primo Rhymo
- 2 Prime and Religion
- 3 Film Career
- 4 Stage Career
- 5 Military Career
- 6 Civic Career
- 7 Loving Husband and Father
- 8 Death
- 9 Failures at Life
- 10 See Also
Optimus Prime: Prime Time!!!/ Primo Rhymo
It should be noted that Optimus Prime is just an alias. The robot's actual name has been withheld from the public by government operatives, mainly because his real name doesn't matter. Optimus is known to have absolutely PERFECT aim with his laser rifle, despite the (inexplicable) fact that in the course of his career, he has utterly failed to shoot any Decepticons. The reason for this remains unknown.
Prime is also known for being an expert in almost all areas of martial arts, and has made this clear to multiple Decepticreeps since his ascension to power on Cybertron.
Prime and Religion
Prime is known to have the Holy Touch, and is an avowed enemy of Satan. Prime himself is a devout follower of Christianity, and is generally known to be a sort of Pope-like figure within the religion. This is not to say he is completely like the Pope. Prime isn't some wishy-washy loser who constantly insults Muslims like Barak Obama. Rather, Prime is commonly seen hanging out with his best bud, God, usually in the midst of an insanely long Poker match. The last one was about a million years long. It was a tie.
Optimus has starred in many films throughout his career, his most famous being the Transformer films. However, he also featured in a number of straight-to-DVD comedies such as "Harold, Kumar and Optimus escape from Guantanamo Bay" and "You, Me, Dupree and Optimus Prime." These films were commercial flops and prompted Optimus's turn to serious acting.
He began his return to serious acting when he starred in the period-piece, "Prime and Prejudice" (a prequel to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice) with co-stars Chuck Norris and Wesley Snipes. Unfortunately, the film was scrapped prior to release thanks to various incidents wherein test audiences were blinded. With his film career ruined for good, Prime moved on to television to co-star in Ross Kemp's new documentary, "Ross Kemp on Cybertron," which won Optimus his first BAFTA. Furthermore, Optimus is set to star in an (as of yet) untitled comedy which will feature him alongside his young friend and mead-aholic, Bumblebee.
Performing under the stage name Optimus Rhyme, Optimus has become one of the most cherished phopular entertainers of recent years. Whether on Broadway, Off-Broadway, or in Las Vegas, Prime is now known as the premiere live robot entertainer. Particularly with his longstanding role in, "Thunder from Down Under."
Optimus had a short run on Broadway, performing in a handful of plays and musicals. Optimus was awarded a Tony Award for his performance in a production of Lost in Yonkers. A number of musical historians have theorized that it was Optimus' Broadway work in musicals that sparked his interest in music and later led to his rock career.
Optimus Prime has never abandoned the Broadway stage and has expressed interest in taking a lead role in a show of repute. Unnamed sources have reported that talks between him and Eric Idle have already begun, and that the possibility of Prime taking the spotlight of "King Arthur" in Spamalot is not out of the question.
Optimus shot to fame in the early 1980's as a rock superstar and street-poet. His skills as a wordsmith are only balanced by his amazing ability to mix and produce soul rhymes. At times his use of a Bontempi organ for backing music can act as a distracting influence on his rhymes. Lyrical gems such as "VEHICLE BACKING UP...STEP THE F$CK BACK BI*&H" have been criticized by reviewers, as the sped up Bossanova back-beat detracts from the lyrical flow at times.
The subjects in Optimus' work range far and wide; one moment he might be drawing attention to the plight of a seabird trapped in an underwater cave, and the next he will be talking about the size of his fuel tanks. It is the eternal dichotomy of his music; one never knows what is coming next (even though it's often really, really obvious from reading his track titles; "Pimp My Galaga" is an excellent example). Rap insiders also know that Prime wrote "California Love," though he remains uncredited for this accomplishment due to a long legal bout with Tupac, which Prime lost.
When Prime heard about the 2007 Transformers movie, he announced that he would be working on a new record as a tie-in with the movie's release. Although unaffiliated with Paramount Films, he was under a new contact with Dr Dre to produce a fusion album of Rock, Jazz and Alternative beats. His A-Track is none other than Wheeljack. Its lyrics feature such musical gems as, "I'll Break yo Fuckin' Neck! Whiplash!" slowly followed by a melodic segue of orchestral strings sampled from Moby. The album and its "B-side," entitled, Optimus B Flat, went on sale on June 27, 2007, in greater Europe and lesser America.
Optimus was one of the two high profile rock stars who founded Sultans of Bling, a high-concept, high-price boutique for urban fashion. Seeded with money from his award-winning albums "SoB", as it is affectionately known, has almost entirely taken over the market for ridiculous oversized clothing. It's main competitor F.E.D.B.E.D. (For Evil Decepticons, By Evil Decepticons) has resorted to a number of unethical practices in order to retain its market share. This has included sabotaging SoB shipments with evil Robots in Disguise, and falsely claiming that SoB offers "more than meets the eye" because it is laced with Anthrax. Recently floated on the Stock Exchange, SoB is rated as up a third against the badger on the NASDAQ and is seen as a strong investment opportunity by Fruity-Bun-McWhirter Investimentation Group Ltd.
SoB pioneered the use of automated staff and has begun selling these to other companies. This side-venture of the company has not only paid for the development costs, but also earns a tidy profit. Salesregisterbots, Fititrons and Uselessteenagegirlicons are all popular models used in SoB retailers and many other popular buitiques. SoB also manufactures security mechanoids such as the Storedetectibot. Recent insiders report that SoB will soon be introducing the three-in-one Salesfitigirlicon to the market. The Salesfitigirlicon's place alongside such devices as the sandwich toaster, vibrator and spork is assured in the Museum for Really Useful Stuff.
Musical And Cultural Influence
Over the years Optimus Prime has broken several musical records, mostly due to them being fairly fragile - his CDs have been extremely popular as well.
- "Optimus Rhyme" - his eponymous first album - 1,500,048 copies sold.
- "Mean Mother-Trucker" - hard edged and raucous, this album is the most popular of all Prime's work, showing Optimus in his prime - 6,000,000,001 copies sold.
- "Exhausted" - experimental rock/hip-hop mix - 1013 copies sold - mostly to Radiohead fans.
- "Keep on Trucking" - back into the groove for his last album, Optimus dedicated this artistic masterpiece to those lonely truckers who cruise the country in search of hand jobs and hitchhikers to dismember.
Optimus has also worked with several other artists - particularly popular was his jazz track with the Less Than Jake Brakes and Daft Punk's Hit Parade "Streetcar After All".
Feeling an intense sense of patriotism, Optimus Prime joined the Autobot Reserves on his 18th birthday. Optimus was diligent and well liked, quickly becoming a high ranking officer in the Reserves. He then dropped out and joined Her Majesty's Royal British Grenadier Corp, in America. Many thought highly of his service to his country and thus have began naming themselves after him. SPC Optimus Prime
When war broke out, Optimus saw fit to enlist and transfer from the reserves to active Autobot duty. It was the Cybertronian War that molded Optimus Prime into the fearless leader that everybody knows and loves.
GI Joe-Transformers War
After the first arc of the Cybertronian War ended, The GI Joe-Transformers War began. Prime had made the acquaintance of several top GI Joe commanders through games of stickball and foosball. It seems as though his sidebar antics had finally paid off. With the forces of Cobra siding with the Decepticons, the Joe Team scrambled to get the Autobots up to speed on the recent power move. Optimus brought the Joes on board to help out, but the battle was a deadlock until Panthro from the Thundercats interceded and nunchucked them all to hell. It is rumored that Panthro is the only man in the world to have withstood a Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick AND beat Optimus Prime in the World Thumbwrestling Championships. But this is only a rumor.
With the conclusion of the GI Joe-Transformers War, The Autobots and Joes remained close allies, averting numerous threats that would threaten the threatless world of...well...they made things safe. As George W. Bush would later say, "They allowed the world to de-threaten...y'know, that means to trust someone again after getting tricked. We have that saying in Alaska, er I think it's in Alaska, it probably is, well it's in Texas that's for sure."
Shortly after he met Shia LeBeaouf, Disney was very disturbed that Shia had found a new best friend and an even better career. Disney's mad scientists devised a growth potion which could make anyone grow eight sizes too big. This was given to Sharpay and Ryan Evans, Troy Bolton, Taylor McKenssie, Chad Danforth, and Gabriella Montez. Their objective was to destroy the Earth with their horrid singing and putrid acting. Optimus drove to East High where the six had already grown up eight sizes and were singing and destroying everything. In true Transformer fashion, Optimus sprang into the sky and blasted everyone but Troy. According to reports, Ryan was the first to go, then Chad, Taylor, Sharpay and finally Gabriella. Troy got the first punch in on Optimus, and then began to sing 'Bet On It'. As Optimus fell, seemingly defeated, his chest opened and the Autobot Matrix of Leadership showed its light as "The Touch" began to play. At that moment, Troy instantly knew he was fucked, and the next thing he saw was Optimus' fist crashing into his head. Optimus then picked Troy up and threw him into the great beyond, killing him. Prime then opened the Matrix, causing "The Touch" to play louder and the light instantly destroyed East High School. Optimus was given a medal by many countries for ridding the world of this filth.
Outside of his work as a brilliant military leader and musical mega-star, Optimus has worked hard to serve the community in official and unofficial capacities.
In the Beast Wars
Shot in the head by Megatron II, his Matrix stolen, and completely unconscious, Prime attempted to sue the Maximals for multiple damages afterwards. Sadly, he lost this case as well. He should have learned his lesson after his Tupac lawsuit by hiring Uncyclopedia's legal team, but some things are beyond the reach of even Optimus Prime.
Optimus has raised nearly $5 Brazillian Pesos over the years. Whilst most of the money has been donated towards giant space lasers to prevent the encroachment of U.N.I.C.R.O.N. (United Nasty International CRime OrganisatioN) he has also been generous to a number of lesser causes, including:
- Group for the Oppression of Not Nice Asshats (G.O.N.N.A.)
- Society for the Prevention of Urban Racist Tensions (S.P.U.R.T.)
- Optimus Nature (O.N.)
- Youth Organization for Understanding Racism (Y.O.U.R.)
- Autobots for Replenishment of the Social Environment (A.R.S.E.)
There is some suspicion that Optimus has used his charitable works as a way to meet impressionable young trucks and vans for his own nefarious purposes. Evidence of this is currently limited, but indications are that fucking morons are behind the scandalous and baseless rumors.
For many years Optimus maintained dreams of becoming a prominent politician, but due to America's extremely odd prejudice against robots running for office, he was unable to successfully begin a presidential campaign. However, fate smiled upon Optimus, when, in the year of 3044, people with brains actually obtained seats in the U.S. government (who woulda thought it?), and promptly abolished the No Robots in Power Act.
During the presidential elections of 3045, Optimus was charged with running slanderous campaign adds, some of which were:
- Say NO to Hitler or Bull-shit(what?), Vote for Optimus Prime
- Are You Man Enough To Vote OPTIMUS PRIME?
- I AM OPTIMUS PRIME! I will lead us to victory and unity with peace and a strong arm.
- Give me your votes, or taste my laserfire!
- Give me your taxes or Give me your face!!
- My fellow Americans! Transform and roll out!
Many students voted for Optimus; fortunately, he narrowly beat his presidential opponent Oscar Wilde by only 400 votes. Wilde grudgingly accepted defeat, then went on a 2-year tour of the country, advocating his newest music album.
Loving Husband and Father
In 1973, after having opened for a performance of Flock of Seagulls, Optimus reacquainted himself with high school sweetheart and bassist Elita One. At the time, Elita One was being hotly pursued by Flock of Seagulls drummer Dave Grohl. But through his longtime friendship with Flock of Seagulls keyboardist DinoJesus and his intense manliness, Optimus was easily able to overwhelm Dave Grohl and won Elita One's heart. Optimus and Elita One were married just one year later.
Even in the midst of battle against overwhelming odds, Optimus has always found time for his children, the Sprogboticons. He and Elita One have five children: Joeybot (who has a hit TV show, Pals), Dannycon, Rogertron, Bettycon and Norman. There is some suspicion regarding Norman as he seems to be mostly human; whether this is related to an affair or possibly a dogging incident is not known. Optimus and Elita One refuse to discuss the matter of Norman with the press.
Throughout his career in various syndicated reality shows, Optimus has shown a habit of dying dramatically. Conveniently, there always seems to be a way to resurrect him in the knick of time to save the plot... err... day. When confronted about this, Optimus has vehemently denied all claims of showboating or mirror tricks, even despite his recently revealed ties to Sigfried, Roy, and Jesus. Prime died for the sixth time in 2009 from explosive diarrhea, but came back to life a day later.
Failures at Life
Flat-out fucking none (that is, if you don't include his death in 1976!).