“If there's crabs here then they'll be crocs”
“Send in the Lizard Princess!”
Orkney, or as the locals prefer to call it The Orkneys is the collective name for a small, heavily-forested group of islands off the northeast coast of Scotland. Despite much confusion, the islands are currently believed to be owned by Argentina after a deal in which the British government traded it as part of the Falklands deal. The Orkneys are also known as the Eastern Isles because that is where they always are in maps. It is also the source of inspiration for the horror film The Wicker Man.
History and Culture
The Orkney Islands were, at one point, mere parts of Caithness on the Scottish mainland, however, in approximately 630 AD an argument between two farmers caused a large stillery explosion that blew large chunks of land into the sea. The people present at the time were recorded by monks as saying something unintelligible.
In March 1892, in an attempt to anger the English, the French invaded the Orkney Islands. They succeeded by virtue of everyone being out at the time. History records that a thunderstorm then struck up, and the French invaders surrendered and went home. The island was never officially recaptured, and so remained French until an errant Argentinian battleship landed to ask for directions during the Falklands War.
One of Orkney's most famous traditions is holding a rugged, tough, ring battering sport called the Ba'. Each Christmas Day and New Years Day (beacause there is fuck all else to do in kirkwall) the homosexual citizens of Kirkwall group together to 'get it on' and be named Homosexual of the Year. The traditional start of the Ba' is signalled by a soul man shouting 'Reet Boys insert yur oil bombs'!
Shopping Week and Squid-God Worship
A cultural highlight of the Orkney year, and an event no tourist should miss (if indeed there are any tourists about to witness it; local tourism has been depressingly low since the first, and only, Great Tourist Shredding & Gutting Festival of 1998) is the annual Stromness Shopping Week. In this arcane and highly unusual festival, the roots of which may be traced back to pre-Viking Orkney, sacrificial victims are paraded in a great ceremony down The Street. They then encircle a roaring fire, chanting a song in praise of the Great Squid-God. Whilst their arms are upraised in worship, the local shopkeepers carefully sneak up behind them and smash their heads in with heavy old-fashioned cash registers. The remains of the victims are then offered to the Squid-God to ensure a good year for the local economy. It is considered a great honour to be chosen as a sacrificial victim. However the greatest of all honours is bestowed upon the Shopping Week Queen, who not only has her head smashed in and offered to the Squid-God but gets to wear a lovely sparkly tiara too but perhaps best of all get's to sit on the back of a tractor. Squid-God worship states that every Orcadian must place a squid above their front doorstep and shake it's tentacles in a gentlemanly manner for good luck at the start of each day. If this is not observed each day it is believed that the evil Vampire Squid from Hell will whore your soul out for eternity.
It can be noted here that the name of the Squid-God in question is none other than Mr. Neegra, possibly named after the well received radio host. Long live the Neegra. Till he's at least 23. Till who? Tillahassee?
Idi Amin was the last King of Orkney, Mohammed Aidid was his Prince. Also, was frequently heard exclaiming, when asked if he enjoyed the St. Magnus Festival, 'Aidid Aidid'! When he died, he was rather closer to Mohammed Aididn't.
Landscape and Views
Orkney is home to many scenic views of mermaids and dolphins and palm trees, which are commonly spotted in the countryside. Orkney is also well known for its beautiful hills, covered with the rare plant called 'grass', which is well known among the locals, but not to many from the 'outside world'. Most of the inhabitants spend vast resources tending their grass fields for the sole purpose of producing 'stray' (that dry grass to you) to weave into Wicker-Men. Indeed in almost every patch of ground can be seen stripped bare during the summer by lawn gnomes atop of their toddler sized tractors. Another phenomenon is that the sun, truly does rise in the East, and set in the west. This rare phenomenon was only discovered in 1894, when a sheep swam all the way to Edinburgh to tell the King and his friend Pete about it. However the sheep was unable to speak to them, and so led them all the way back to Sandwick to show them. However, they got bored and went home without bothering to consult a sheep whisperer. The next day a farmer in the local area contacted Pete, worrying that the phenomena meant the end of the world. Tourists have described the site of the setting sun making the grass glow on the hills, is beautiful site, and well accompanied by the calls of "Beuy" heard from the locals. The Orkneys are surrounded by a thin, box shaped sea wall know as the Churchill Barrier, built to keep out incomers and exotic animals like foxes and badgers. Though the barrier is not visible in satellite images it is marked on many maps of the United Kingdom.
The Standing Stones of fuckin Stenness are fuckin no soond, you can fuckin hae yer Great Wal o Chinky, cos I've got a dyke at the end o me ferm which is nearly 20 fuckin year auld, which is surely as auld as that sleekit we dreeskit which is chist fuckin stendin there in Asia somewhar. WHITLIKENOOBEUY!?
Very little happens in Orkney, however, the most notable event of late was the tragic discovery that Orkney is, in fact, sinking. The mass importation of exceptionally large X-Boxes was, apparently, too much for the fragile islands to bear, and is causing a slow subsidance of the island into the sea. Scientists calculate that the entire island will be submerged by 2016.
Cannae think o any ither affairs gaan own at the moment ken. Especially no any affairs where the wifey is getting banged by some ither beuy.
- The Sea Monster: Big mutha slimy fucker who lives in a cave.
- Cameron Stout: Apparently won Big Brother a few years back, but this is debatable, as he's not even famous amongst his own family.
- Saint Magnus: Most famous saint in Orkney until All Saints holidayed in the isles in the 90s.
- Peter Maxwell Davies: Yeah, you know him. The Queen's composer even though he shot dead a swan.
- The Earl of Swona: Now residing in Kirkwall as his earldom is no longer habitable due to a nuclear energy experiment that went wrong.
- James Flett: Famous for his absurdly large nose and his comical catch phrase - "Let the bees come home!"
- Neil Anderson: also known as 'rackwick', indulges in the most brutal scoop of ale at certain times, he can be found prowling "The Toon" in his T-rege Ford Fiesta. Also known across the Orkney Bowls scene for his swagger, his chauvenistic demenor and, in fairness, ability to judge the green to perfection. Strongly opinionated Tory with ties to Orkney's top brass. Aspiring to be a history teacher half as good as Mr Neil Ewing. Uppie, Orphir Centerback and 'skip' with Jim Sclater on the bowls green.
- Kanesh: Known only by the enigmatic first name with which he practices. Most renowned for being Orkney's first, only and last individual of ethnic origin. Also credited with the coining of the whimsical song 'Happy Birthday to You'. Notable relatives include; OJ Simpson, Ike Turner and Rosa Parks.
- Gordon Mowat: Relatively unknown before his short stint in T.V hit show 'The Bill', Mowat received unanimously positive reviews for this role but was critically panned for his later cameo role in 'One Guy, One Cup: The Musical.' Mowat later went on to discover two types of semi-precious stone, and also investigated the different methods of causing feline ejaculation.
- Bob Skea: Skea is infamous for his conduct during a popular music festival situated within a park. His actions drew nationwide attention to his abnormally large ability to gather fans and entertain the masses. Currently resides in the cloistered community known as 'Dear Ness'.
- Craig Rendall: An amorphous being. Nicknamed, 'the Legion', after irrepressible numbers and possible Illuminati ties.
- Gerald Taylor: Known by his students as an English teacher of unimpeachable character and moral fibre. Less well known however, is his background as a prominent producer and songwriter for rapper Nas, with Taylor's name featuring amongst the credits for the seminal album 'the Illmatic'. Today he splits his time between educating ignorant little shits on the virtues of Shakespeare, and a subterranean home in Devon.
- Ali Cante: The only Spanish speaking resident of the Orkneys.
- Nige Eria: The only African speaking resident of the Orkneys.
- Cameroon Stout: African brother of the aforementioned celebrity.
- Mr. Cafu: Biggest fuckin seekner yell ever fuckin meat beuy! Scored a fuckin goal and fucking wis a sleekit peedie cunt and got in the team o some fuckin football cunts and noo he things he'd God's fuckin gift tae lasses.
- Ken: Not Barbie's shag partner, but a much more enigmatic figure. Ken, thought to be formerly known as Kaizer Sose, is the most influential character in the islands. Locals are aft heard quoting, in proto-reverential tones, that 'I chist dinnae Ken', which is clearly a plea for Ken to desist from chisting them any longer.