Orson Scott Card
“ DOUBLE KILL!!!11one! ”
Orson Scott Card (not to be confused with Omar Sharif) is a radical cleric who belongs to the Muslim faith, currently facing extradition to the United States of Armenia for inventing a game which has gone on to become quite a hit with the country’s catholic priests.
Card was born on Independence Day 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico and circumcised shortly afterwards during a devil worshipping ritual which his uncle had begrudgingly been forced to take him to, before going missing for around a year. He later resurfaced at the founding ceremony of Israel.
Orson read his first book at the age of three, an arabic translation of Romeo and Juliet which had fallen from a camel recently ransacked besides his uncle's hut. It opened up amazing new possibilities of goat racing and lamb shanking to him and gave him a miraculous insight into using sticky tape, banana skins and hand driven locomotion. Luckily, his uncle was still on hand to... give him a hand.
After his part in the formation of Al-Qaeda, and many years of attending various terrorist training camps as his childhood came to an end, Card was ordained as a cleric for the Islamic Resistance Against Israeli Food and spent the majority of his teenage years writing recipe and cook books, which he was surprised to find were very popular with mormons. Shortly after this, he joined the sinister CanadianDawg vigilantes and participated in countless illegal actions.
Card is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints (or NAMBLA). Due to this religious affiliation, he therefore has a somewhat fanatic hatred of homosexuals. It also means that Card loves Hitler and writing novels, but mostly Card just loves the cock. After much soul searching coupled with a healthy dose of 1980s Google, Card happened upon Hitler, the perfect parallel for his first novel. Not only was Hitler a player hater, as long as said players were either homosexuals or of the jewish persuasion, he also had a most magnificent mustache. It was this that clinched the deal for Orson, as he always admired a man with mustache, just not the rest of the man because that would make him gay and violate law 13 paragraph b line 12 of the Church of Latter Day Saints charter which states “Any who so dare look at a man and doth feel a rustle in the muscle that be his primary reproductive organ, shall forthwith be ostracized and called nasty names by the rest of the church.” Secure with his masculinity like never before, Card ventured onwards in his life, to take a job at Brigham Young University, writing poetry with his good friend Clinton F. Larson (who is not gay).
“Oh, you mean Card's poetry? Some of the floweriest and most blatant homosexual erotic literature I've ever laid mine Wilde eyes on.”
Facing expulsion from the LDS if his poetry did not cease, Card went on a mission trip to Brazil. It was here that he got the idea for the sequel to Ender's Game, Speaker for the Dead, also known as If You Give A Jew a Feijoada: Hitler Goes to Brazil!
Sometime in between publishing all these books and remembering how to hate homosexuals, Card moved to Greensboro North Carolina, so as to establish a forward base of operations for the LDS to take over the Bible Belt. It was here that he met his wife Kristine, and they proceeded to get down to business and have five children. However, since God has a sense of cruel justice, two of his children died, due to Card being an asshat mustache-man lover thirty-two percent of the time and the other sixty-eight percent of the time hating on homosexuals.Card has since taken up a permanent job as a professor of Southern Virginia University in Buena Vista, VA.
The Ender Series:
- Ender's Gay
- Squeaky Dead People
- Xena's Side
- Children of Behinds
- A Bore of Thrifts
The Shadow Series:
- Ender's Shat! Oh...
- The Shadow Cast by Hegemon Digivolving to...!
- Shadow The Hedgehog
- The Shadows of Shadowy Shadows Overshadowing Some Shady Shadows
- Dung Beetles Don't Have to Taste Like Shit
- Confucious and You
- The Sweet Taste of Cameltoe
- Hot Sleep (With A Person of the Non Homosexual Persuasion)
- Reggae in the Alps
- Fifty Reasons Why Fred Phelps Is Your Daddy
- I Heart Andy Roddick
- Sigtrygg: How Adobe™ Photoshop Has Shaped The Scandinavian World
- Seventh Son of an Illegitimate Mother
- The son of the mother of the 82th flying saucer I saw last Tuesday
- How to be a right-wing neo-con
- I don't approve of gays but I'm not a biggot!
- The war in Iraq was justified because I'm a mormon