Oskar Schindler

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Oskar Schindler's passionate grin of ultimate tyranny.

Oskar Schindler was a famous superhero, a Nietzschean Superman, who wore no mask, donned no cloak, and changed in no phone booth, but rather saved hundreds of Jews with no more gadgetry than a mere list (plus the odd supernatural power, but it sounds more profound to leave that out). He saved so many Jews that he is considered at least partly responsible for creating Brooklyn Jewish stereotypes and for inventing matzo.

Birth[edit]

By A.D. 2012, it had become clear that the Earth was in grave danger from a cause we cannot tell you about, because you might try to prevent it, which would prevent the prevention that was ultimately decided upon by the world's leading scientific minds, both dead and living: create a superhero and send him back in time (it's not like you haven't heard that plot before). So Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Reed Richards, Jim Henson, Merlin and Darth Nader combined their sorcery to create a champion. They unearthed the body of Moses himself, frozen in an ice floe, still grasping stone tablets with commandments we never got to hear about but were so well-preserved that they would change human concepts of morality forever. Then they took a DNA sample, and used the magical Jewel of Power to expand the cells into a whole person. The result was the greatest champion the world would ever know: half-Jew, half-robot, half-burning bush...all awesome!!!

Going back in a time warp to before Hitler was born, Schindler accidentally went too far and got lost in the time-space continuum. Nobody saw him again until the year 1984, when he magically appeared on the horizon riding a T-Rex, smoking a fine Cuban cigar and carrying a bazooka with Josef Mengele's severed head.

Oskar's Jews[edit]

As Schindler already knew, Adolf Hitler planned to kill the Jews by boring them to death, which he would do by reading them Virginia Woolf and showing them episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond until they started ripping each other's limbs out. He was aided in this by his triumvirate of evil, which included Satan, Shirley Temple, and their love child, Satan's Temple, a devious, tap-dancing serial killer and leading waffle chef. Hitler also cloned himself to ensure his plan would not fail; the result was his evil legless, armless clone Earthworm Satan.

In order to successfully free the Jews from their incarceration in the nefarious Taj Mahal, a concentration camp where the Jews were forced to spend their time focusing exceedingly hard on math problems and drink frozen orange juice, Schindler conspired with his love interest, "Red" C. and his best friend Fongo, leader of the Black Ninja Turtles. It was a long, hard battle, as Schindler defeated many of the worst villains in history: Cthulhu, Godzilla, Robot Hitler, Leatherface, the Spanking Machine, Bonnie and Clyde, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, his evil brother Pillsbury Doughboy and, finally, Satan's Temple. He made the ultimate sacrifice and parted with Red C. to lead the Jews to safety.

Legacy[edit]

500 years after his death, the hit blockbuster movie Schindler's List was made, based loosely on Oskar Schindler's life. It has gone on to be one of the most popular non-Kevin Smith films ever made.

A sequel is in the works: Schindler's Filing Cabinet, which documents his little-known but unsuccessful efforts to save the world from conspiracy theorists.

See Also[edit]