Oslo International School

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Oslo International School, located in Bekkestua, Bærum, Norway, was created in the year 4004 AD as a desperate attempt to provide for the hundreds of small children left starving by the Great Depression. Unfortunately this building project was closed down in 1935, when numerous deaths alerted the government to the fact that children were attending school instead of working. The half built sweatshop, as it was intended to be, was then bought by a sinister group of Nazis and completed in accordance with their evil plans.

A view of the Secondary Wing of the School

The school is actually a super-robot disguised as a school. The super-robot will activate on June 21, 2006, killing all of those attending the end-of-year assembly, as it feeds on human flesh, and proceeding to destroy all of downtown Bekkestua, leaving a smoldering, firey mess. The super-robot, who we will henceforth call Bernard, will proceed down the #4 subway line in an attempt to go on a rampage Godzilla-style, but will be stopped at the Montebello station and electrocuted by an exploding T-bane. Bernard will be reincarnated in a later life as the programmer/lyricist for the wildly popular Slovakian entry for Eurovision 2008, "Honey, You Get the Pigs, I'll Get the Lube, and We'll Have Us A Good Ol' Time!"

OIS was destroyed in the year 2045 by the 500 foot Jesus monster rampage.

School Holidays[edit]

  • September 1 - Back To School Day


[img]http://members.fortunecity.com/gogodncr/SimplePleasures.jpg[/img] just remember this talking to the chronic PMSer, the camel toe scottish art teacher. P.S im not talking about the little one

The School[edit]

The school itself has two cows of major and distinct sections:

The Infant Block[edit]

Infant Students Getting Ready For Military Drills

On the outermost reaches of the school grounds 'the infants' are housed in a secure, grey square building with a fenced-in exercise area. The workings of this sinister establishment are unclear, but it is not uncommon to see members of 'the infants', as this bizarre sect has become known, attempting to escape the exercise area by any means possible.

Attired almost universally in red overalls, particularly in winter, 'the infants' can often be seen crossing in single file to the main building under the supervision of their attendants. It has been suggested that it is the vile experiments inflicted on 'the infants' which transforms them into the cretinous beings that inhabit the Primary School.

Another common sight is seeing 'the infants' doing military-like formations in the exercise area. The strict formations are called "fire drills" but armed forces commentators see them as signs of a nascent military state. North Korean President Kim Jong Il was recently hosted as a guest leader of the military parade.

The Primary School[edit]

Angelina Jolie has adopted seven Primary Students in the past two years.

The Toilets[edit]

Oslo International School constantly lacks money because all the money goes to the principals/führers eating budget. The effects of this can most clearly be seen in the state of the toilets. They have recently overflowed causing the entire school to smell like fucking shit. Thank you YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS

The Secondary School[edit]

Secondary students are ugly.

Secondary School Survival Kit

The official curriculum of the Secondary School in History is centered around the denial of the Holocaust. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad frequently lectures, and then declares a Fatwa on the Math Department.

The IB Section[edit]

The International Baccalaureate at OIS is the only important part of the school. Spurred on by the thought of all this hard work actually paying off, the IB students toe a fine line between slavish obedience and heart-stopping risk-taking in their efforts to escape the school, hence the high death rate.

IB students are tricked into believing that their two years of hard work will get them into universities and that throwing away their lives is all worth it in the end. Sadly, IB graduates are only fit to work as waiters and prostitutes after leaving school.

"Effects of Launching Puppies Into Trees with Catapults"

The IB features most notably a worthless class called Theory of Knowledge. The current fatality rate for students taking TOK is 2 deaths per year.

An integral part of the IB program is the G4 project, which combines the sciences for a week-long project carried out by all IB students. Students thoroughly enjoy this project and the necessitated tasks such as research and experiments. Documents and working papers with titles such as, "Investigation into the Efficiency of Sterilization of the Un-Clean", "Saving Europe from the Dark Threat", and "Dead Baby Jokes: What Actually Happens When You Stick a Baby Into a Microwave".

At the end of the 2-year program, IB students take a set of exams, which they either pass or fail. Students who pass are given a certificate, while students who fail are given a quiet room and a pistol with a single bullet.

The Art Rooms[edit]

A recent drawing by an OIS student which received international acclaim

OIS is particulary proud about its prestigious art program. OIS was at the forefront of the Mooseism movement, a post-Modernist movement drawing from Neo-Cubist, Paleolithic, and Naturalist inspirations, that is distinctive for its use of moose body products, notably the intestines and gall bladder, as a replacement for traditional watercolor and acrylic paints. The art room is guarded by an evil scottish woman.

The Library[edit]

Ruled over by evil librarians, the library is a corner of the building feared above all by the IB students, who meet (in an evil librarian) their nemesis. The feeling seems to be mutual, and any efforts to enter the library by IB students inevitably ends painfully for the student, and occasionally fatally. Though, as one librarian was heard to remark once, "If you kill them you won't be able to hurt them the next time."

The Faculty[edit]

The Supreme Leader of OIS, the Glorious Arch-Slug

OIS recently welcomed its newest member of the faculty, Kjell Magne Bondevik, who came to the school after being violently deposed in the Stalinist Revolution of 2005.

Rumor has it that the IB Coordinator will soon leave the school to become the Prime Minister of Canada or NHL Commissioner, whichever is more prestigious.

OIS has more shitty teachers than the Pacific Ocean has salt.

The Arch-Slug is quite proud of recent polls which show its popularity around the same levels as those of US President George W. Bush.

The Arch-Slug, or Its Royal Godliness, as it prefers to be called, was created when Chuck Norris stomped a snail, imparting part of his shoes in the crushed snail goo. The shoes, of course, contained Aura of Roundhouse Kick, which affected the mitochondrial DNA, creating the Arch-Slug as we know it.

The Arch-Slug originally belonged to a circus, but it was abandoned by its Polish circus carnies in Oslo after they found the promised land of Norway. For a period of two years, the Arch-Slug was a crackho, prostituting itself near the docks; however, it quit whoring and kicked its herion habit after an evening with a particularly kinky schiesse-fetish German client, which explains the Arch-Slug's fear of noodles and little green tubes. (Details are sketchy.)

After the whoring, the Arch-Slug entered a rehab facility and, within a month, date-raped two fellow rehab patients, killed them, and disposed of their bodies by putting the remains into the local hot dog factory. Due to Norway's excessively counterauthoritarian penal codes, the Arch-Slug not only served no jail time, but was released fully, given the job at the school, granted access to the Members-of-Stortinget-only midget stripper's club, and paid a monthly stipend.

School History[edit]

The school was bought by a group of Japanese investors in a leverage buyout offer in 1987. As a result of demands of the new management, the letter L was eliminated from the school curriculum.

How To Make Yourself Welcome at OIS[edit]

To make yourself feel welcome at OIS, go around using the following official school phrases:

  • Kan jeg knulle din mors flodhest? (Hello, how are you?)
  • Jeg skal banke dritten ut av deg! (I am so happy to meet you!)
  • Hei svin! Gi meg alle penga dine! (Have a nice day!)
  • Heil Hitler! (Thank you!)
  • Vil du dra laksen min? (What is our next class?)
  • Sex med klærne på? (Do you want to be my friend?)
  • Skal vi rote vilt i klesskapet der borte eller? (You look nice today!)
  • Let's go pump! (I want to violate your ass!)
  Jeg skal spis din b-ho! (I haven't had sex in a very long time)

Recent Achievements[edit]

A Primary Student carved this statue in 2002, but he was expelled because of the sexual connotations of the masterpiece, which was dumped in some park

The school bathrooms in the secondary wing are famous for their status of being the location of the first recorded act of kitten huffing.

The school basketball team competes once in a while with nearby Norwegian schools, but always gets beaten horribly, cause everyone knows that Norwegians are the superior Aryan race. However, this year OIS has finally got its first full black kid, who is roughly 3 meters tall and will surely bring the team to fame and glory. It is even rumoured that OIS might be its own autonoumus state in the next Olympics.

Last year, OIS celebrated its first-ever International Baccalaureate (IB) student actually passing the program. OIS teachers were proud to finally put an end to their 0-for-145 pass rate. However, hopes for two-in-a-row this year were quashed when, by the end of Internal Assessments, all students had been mathematically eliminated from a passing score.

An OIS graduate recently gathered international attention for his ground-breaking linguistics research project, centered around the fact the premise that: "The letter W is actually a double V." His life was brutally and tragically cut short by British assasins sent from the Shakespeareian Institute. For more, please see The Tragic Life of William Woodman.

Runner up in 'Most Corrupt Educational Institute', beaten only by Berg and the Pentagon.

School Traditions[edit]

The Assemblies[edit]

For her most recent speech, the Dictator dished up one of the famous poems from the book, "The Famous Poems". The death toll from the ceremony this year was only 17, the majority of whom perished from cranium implosion. Remarked the Director, "This has been a good year!"

Recent guest speakers at Assemblies include Santa Claus, Lava Lamp, and the color purple.

The Fire Drill[edit]

Fire Drills at OIS are not drills in the normal sense of the word: a fire is usually set off by some type of explosive device. Depending on the efficiency of the drill, the collateral damage of a fire drill is normally somewhere between 20 to 50 students.

Bronze, Silver, Gold awards[edit]

These awards are given to students who have impressed the teachers, sucked up to teachers, or sucked teachers.

Season Markets[edit]

Christmas Market - The centre of this trap for unsuspecting parents and immigrants looking for cheap deals is a senior NAMBLA (see below) member, dressed in a racy red and white costume and disguised behind fake facial hair, leading children into his grotto to give them 'a present.' Also featured are the deformed elves, who prance gibbering around a stage for several minutes before shotguns are handed to the audience. Target choice varies from the elves to one's own head.

Summer Market - This is a last ditch attempt to part parents from what little money they have left after paying the school fees, and hordes of students are whipped up into a sharklike frenzy to do this as efficiently as possible. Total earnings last year come to 45,000 Norwegian Krone, three fingers and a torso (including several valuable organs).

Unofficial Traditions[edit]

End of year - IB2's (graduates) shower in absynth while they eat smurfs (fried like smores), have unprotected sex in a mass orgy, whereupon they beat each other with herrings - forgetting everything they learnt in the past 13 years, including the ABC song.

Easter bunny baiting - Rabbits are tied up and placed 1 metre of broken glass away from a carrot. Any rabbits which fail to squirm through the glass and eat the carrot are thrown to the juniors, or any vicious carnivore in the area, such as the arch-slug. On leap years the carrots are not laced with rat poison.

School Clubs[edit]

Student Council - The OIS Student Council is famous and well-loved by its students for canceling dances, ripping the kids off at bake sales, and nothing else, cause that's all they do. However, everything will be OK when Chuck Norris becomes Student President, cause Chuck Norris kicks ass.

Model United Nations - The MUN club recently saw a coup d'etat by Danish Maoist elements, who proceeded to declare war on Guatemala and the rest of the free world. They ransacked the Economics classroom because of its perceived "class material that directly teaches globalization and capitalism." The teachers scoffed at the remark, saying brazenly, "Hey, we're all communists here!"

Young KKK - This new club recently lynched a student, and was then given an official "Proclamation of Outstanding Services to the School" by the Director.

NAMBLA, OIS chapter - This chapter of the North American Man-Boy Love Association features many older, male teachers and a select few primary students. The students receive free after-school counseling as part of their membership. The age limit for this school club is anyone under 14 and anyone over 30. Only males are allowed to attend the meetings and the socials are held at different secret locations.

Cliques at OIS[edit]

These groups believe themselves to be utterly superior to any of the other worthless peons that populate the halls:

NS - One of the more exclusive clubs in the school.... mainly because no one else wants to join. These students willing undergo 1.5 extra hours with the english stalinisit who spreads the doctrine of fear through subliminal messages in french. Everyone really hates them and are tired of their "superiority", and don't hesitate to tell them! NOTE: NS stands for Pompous Asses (why the abbreviation doesnt fit has been lost through the ages)

G7 - A hardcore gang who walk the streets looking for weak little children to beat up. I may not live to see tomorrow because I am posting this message but let this be a warning to you all;G7 are one of the most dangerous gangs in the world.

The Common Room Debators - These students all suffer from Annoying Fucking Chronic Debating Disorder (AFCDD) and hence feel the need to start loud pointless discussions about such interesting subjects such as how the people in Venezuela feel about the new reindeer tax in Finnmark or who has the smaller penis. However the last subject is usually won by the asians. These discussions usually consist of one AFCDD sufferer overhearing a word which rhymes with another word that might have something to do with something this student has recently read about, thus making him an automatic self-proclaimed expert on the subject. The student then challenges a fellow AFCDD sufferer to a debate and after this stage all hell brakes loose. The "expert" has the right to ridicule the other debator if their views conflict because of his expert knowledge of the subject. As the discussion progresses, other students start joining in and the debate ends with the traditional "Eating of the Finger" inwhich the victor gets to eat one of the defeated student's fingers. Certain students can be seen with up to 11 fingers missing.

Official School Motto[edit]

"Scientae et Veritae... But when that doesn't work, try some pure Columbian blow"