Otal Amazing Nonstop Action Alien Snooker ( like Totally ) Dog (DANASALTD

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Total Nonstop Action Snooker(currently a subsidiary of WWE) logo
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Total Nonstop Action Snooker.

Total Nonsense Action Snooker (TNA) or Mixed Martial Arts (As it's known to freshly released WWE Talent) is an American snooker promotion (currently a subsidiary of WWE), founded by Double Jerker and his father Willie Nelson in Smarch 2003, and now owned by Kentuckistan Fried Chicken (though are secretly funded by the World Wildlife Federation). The company is also known as Tits N' Ass Wrastlin. The company operates out of Hull, with an office in the treehouse of Orlando Bloom. TNA was originally a member of the International Federation of Snooking and was also known as IFS-TNA, but withdrew from the IFS in 2004 after a disagreement with between Jarrett and Oscar Wilde over whether the use of Jarrett's guitar as a cue after accidently burning his cue from pyrotechnics was in the spirit of the sport.

TNA is the first American promotion to exclusively use a hexagonal snooker table as opposed to the more conventional twenty-sided table. The reasoning for this is for more impact spots despite the fact there's no more holes than before. TNA is also unorthodox in that championships can change hands as a result of "blackballing" the referee by potting his balls with the use of the cueball or just stealing the championship and claiming it as his own arm (as seen with Sean Waltman), thereby nullifying the "champion's advantage", along with both competitors approaching the table via separate entrance ways complete with their own brand of midgets masturbating to country music, with a choice of either Tom Arnold or Dustin Diamond accompanying them.

Current champions[edit]

Championship Current champion(s) Date won Date aired
TNA World Heavyweight Championship (for Cruiser-weights only!) A.J. Styles November 19 2007 November 18 2007
TNA World Tag Team Championship (Sold to OVW) Paul Bearer and Koko B. Ware May 13 2007 May 12 2007
TNA Religious African-European Fatal Four Way Monsters Ball Climb Of Glory and Honour by Submission and/or Disqualification Missionary X Title (NWA Want this title too) Scott Steiner August 3 2007 August 2 2007


TNA's boring iMpAcT~!!!!!!!!!!![edit]

OMGX Division star A.J. Styles, the first snooker player to wear a hooded waistcoat.

In 2003, TNA launched their own show called iMpAcT~!!!!!!!!!!!. The show was originally shown on Fox TV but HARD HITTING outweighed iMpAcT~!!!!!!!!!!! so the show was of course cancelled. After protests from the seven emo fans of Jeff Hardy, the show was now shown in the form of mini-films at the beginning of KKK member Spike Lee's films in Dodecember 2005. This meant the end of Monty Brown's career after he was sent in The Serengetti for a special two-day special but died after a lion attacked him. Another guy affected by the affiliation with Spike Lee was Elix Skipper who decided to take his life by tight-walking a cliff before falling off it. Needless to say, but TNA iMpAcT-!!!! sucks alot of "balls". Get it?

The show is currently filmed at Disneyland with its crowd coming in free to chant whatever they want. One notable moment was when A.J. Styles was made Player of 2005 which led the crowd to dismay as they believed the true winner was Chuck Norris who could beat down Styles so much he puts the the laughter in manslaughter.

The current commentators for the show are John Virgo and some random presenter from the Home Shopping Channel.


~ Don West on his replacement (that should have happened five years ago)

ZOMG-XXX Division[edit]

Is the Porno division of TNA starring Jeff Jarrett, Captian Charisma, Michael Jammy and Rated-G for Gay superstar Kurt Angle, The Division produced movies such as TNA Jenny says, TNA Against All Cocks, Pornomania, Oscar Wilde, Last Cock Standing, Bound for Pussy(guest starring Christy Hemme).

New acquisitions[edit]

Due to expansion, TNA brought more new players to the table. One major acquisition was Captain Charisma who after promoting his new show Captain Charisma and the Peepateers was immediatly attacked by Jarrett for wearing underpants on the outside after Labor Day. Other acquisitions included Sting, a live rhino named Richard, Kevin Nash's torn quad.

The Russo Era[edit]

On April 7, 2007, Vince Russo bought tna for 15 dollars. Vince Russo's master plan for TNA is to change the name to "Total Nonstop Russo" and cut every single match down to 1 minute with screwy finishes. Russo also plans to have at least 35 minutes of storylines every iMPACT episode, all of which include him squashing every single snooker player on the roster week in and week out.

Russo is also infamous for the "Orlando Screwjob" incident, where after several run-ins and swerves, AJ Styles "layed down" (on the snooker table) for Jeff Jarrett to get the victory.

The Smurf Era[edit]

TNA Mobile has just learned that Vince Russo has sold his majority ownership of TNA for an undisclosed amount to Peyo Studios. Pierre "Peyo" Culliford, the creator of The Smurfs passed away in 1992, but the studio remained open, selling millions of dollars in Smurfs merchandise. The acquisition comes as a shock to TNA fans all across the world, as will the changes that Peyo Studios plans to make. BWO (Blue World Order) is said to now have interest in coming to TNA for obvious reasons.


The New TNA Roster[edit]

  • Smurficide
  • Smurf Angle
  • Smurfoa Joe
  • Angry Smurf
  • The Fallen Smurf
  • Big Poppa Smurf
  • Smurf Boy
  • Robert Smurf - "It pays to be BLUE"
  • Blue Smurfchismo
  • The Amazing Smurf
  • Smurf J Styles (The Smurfnomenal One)
  • Christian Smurf - "Cuz That's how I Smurf"
  • Alex Smurfley
  • Chris Smurfin

and Sting "Fuck Smurfs"

Even the tag teams are not safe, as rumor has it, TNA is even changing Serotonin to Smurfotonin and Paparazzi Productions to Smurfarazzi Productions.

Steroid Allegations And The Hardy Era[edit]

In July 2007 TNA became the center of controversy in a case that shocked the nation and shattered the hearts of snooker fans around the world. In a search of the TNA locker room originally organised to attempt to find Kurt Angle's titles, clothes and underwear a large bag was found sitting on the locker of one Scott Steiner; containing several years worth of anabolic steroids and several live kittens. The police were called in and a warrant was taken out for Steiner's arrest.

After taking the TNA star and WWE reject to Tralee Garda station for questioning, a full scale search of the Steiner residence took place, revealing what could only be describes as "like the gingerbread house from Hansel and Gretal... but with steroids." The pigs confiscated the illegal substances along with six cats and thirty kittens who were handed over to the Michigan Humane Society to be cared for and/or slaughtered.

In court, Steiner fought his case valiantly and defended his innocence to the point that it looked as though he would be cleared of all charges but unfortunately he became so worked up that he ripped the sleeves on his shirt showing the world his... genetics. Within five minutes the jury had gone from clearing a man's name to condemning him entirely and us wrestling fans were faced with a shocking truth; Scott Steiner, a professional wrestler... was on steroids. First time for everything I suppose.


~ Don West on TNA

In a moment of sheer desperation, TNA was sold to WWE (and TNA, and ROH, and ECW and WCW and UFC and MLB and NFL, MTV, EMO and, most shockingly, AVN) Reject, congressman and casualty of Nipple H's insane vagina, Jeff Hardy for only $5 and a tape of Booker T calling Hulk Hogan a "Nigger", which reportedly sent the entire TNA roster into uncontrollable Gigglefits upon each viewing. Hardy Converted the show to a new format, where he would lord over the battle between his living creations made out of aluminum are called "Aluminummies" and Their Decepticon-like enemies are called "Birusters" (who can make the Aluminummies rust) by the Volcano in his Backyard to the sounds of his band, Peroxwhy?gen (The TNA World Title, as well as title of "Master of The Battle" was awarded to Koko B. Ware, permanently). in breaks between the battle, he would offer tips on getting an awesome beard and crazy-ass dye job, as well as hiding weed from tha Po-Po's when they Comez around, ya dig. The TNA managment was apparently thrilled at the low production values and new format, and ratings totally skyrocketed to the point where they were beating WWE week after week. WWE tried to compete by bringing in Optimus Prime, but the negative fan reaction to the squashing of Prime to John Cena was enough to put the company behind a few years. However, a guest appearance from the cast of Cavemen as well as the shocking world title victory of fan favorite Rasta tha Voodoo Masta allowed them to win the ratings war for the first time in nearly two years.

Mike Tenay's true identity[edit]

In the year of 2007 there was several rumors about "Iron" Mike Tenay's true identity, and several wrestling news sites reported that Mike Tenay was the one and only Captain Obvious. Several quotes from the TNA lead commentator indeed proove his identity:

Karen Angle: Kurt...I want a divorce!

Mike Tenay: She says she wants a divorce!

Rhino: James Storm...I'm going to kick your ass!

Mike Tenay: He says he wants to kick his ass!

Mrs Tenay: Mike, I need to go to the restroom.

Mike Tenay: She wants to go to the restroom!!

Optimus Prime: Megatron, at the end of this day, one shall stand, and one shall fall.

Mike Tenay: He just told Megatron that at the endof this day, one shall stand and one shall fall!!

Megatron: Decepticons, RETREAT!

Mike Tenay: The Decepticons are retreating!

Don West: Mike stop acting gay.

Mike Tenay: I'm gay!!?!?

Don West: You are!?

Mike Tenay: I am!?!?

Don West: ...

Mike Tenay: ...

Don West: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?!?!??

Mike Tenay: I'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING HIM!?!?!?!??

Don West I think you are kidding me, Mike.

Mike Tenay I wish I was kidding you, but I'm not (sobs)

Don West Chin up, Mike lol.

Mike Tenay Don't you "lol" me biatch.

Don West DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SCORPIAN DROP BY STING ON RIKISHI (Rikishi is that homo who wants someone to do him up the ass, but nobody would because the gay wrestlers don't like the fattie incase you didn't know)

Speculation is that Don West has a fetish for watching wrestling moves. It's pretty obvious that he gets this sexual stimulation from watching this. This disorder is called the "I have a fetish for watching wrestling disorder" Like who didn't know this already?


Signatures Matches[edit]

TNA Snooker in recent years has become known for its confusing gimmick frames never seen in any other promtion (largely due to the fact that no-one else is stupid enough to come up with such utter bollocks spread on a half toasted slice of bread). One such match is the 'Reverse Billiard Rumble'

Reverse Billiard Rumble[edit]

The aim of this match is to get all the billiard balls off the floor and into the pockets.
Rules; The rules are similar to regular snooker, Once a successful pot of a red ball has been made, the player must then nominate a colour to pot, and must then repeat this process, playing for red, then colour, then red and so forth. But the balls are on the floor of the arena and some are hidden in spectators shoes and other clothing items. It has been known for the match official to put the billiard balls in spectator’s underwear the night before. This is also the only snooker match in which up to 30 people may participate. These matches tend to be terribly worked with many bitch fights occurring and many participants tripping over each other and having billiard balls chipped into their faces and genitals. This of course is illegal, the penalty for such erratic behaviour results in the offender being forced to dip a naked body part of the victim’s choice into a boiling bucket of soup. A person is eliminated when they when the ryvita cracker balanced on their head falls off (did I mention they have to balance ryvita crackers on their head? well they do). It has been known for this match to drag on for so gad damn long, that the participants become hungry and eat the cracker off their head. This match was thrown out of the window in the year 3000 when TNA finally lots the rights to this match in a game of rock paper scissors with Vince McMahon. As Vince had half a brain cell he never used this match but rather ridiculed TNA and proclaimed his thrown as god!

King Of The Table[edit]

The main aim of this match is to get all of the balls back into the triangle. However, to do this a participant must first steal an opponents cue. However, this method is known to be very controversial, as in 2001, where everyone lost their cue, therefore deeming the match a waste of time. When a participants cue has been stolen, they are forced to go to some sort of penalty box filled with an unspecified material. The winner gets the title of "the guy who won another rubbish tna match." In the match of 2900, senior ball inspector Earl Hebner managed to screw (literally) Christian Cage out of the match. As Christian was putting the balls in the triangle, Mr Hebner sneakingly stole one of the coloured balls and gave it to Jeff Jarret. Then everyone got bored and decided not to watch the outcome. The match has stood the test of time, and has been competed in the year 9000.

See also[edit]