Owen Wilson

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Owen Cunningbaconhead Wilson (born November 18, 1968) is a Texan born actor, particularly well-known for his astonishingly inspiring sneezing abilities. Recent studies carried out in the region of Indonesia have linked minor tsunamis to Wilson’s colossal nose-power. To add insult to injury, 64% of the world’s Carbon Dioxide emissions have been traced to – yep you guessed it – Wilson. Boy, he’s one depressed bloke right now. Wow.

Early life[edit]

Wilson was born in Dallas Texas with the worlds biggest nose, the son of Bobby Wilson, a lingerie salesman, and Bobby Wilson [mark 2], who works part-time as a court jester in Bobby’s mind (don’t ask). His family is Irish and probably has a bit of Ukrainian in it or Macedonian, but no one really knows. More to the point, who cares? While living in Dallas, Wilson attended ‘The Private Institute of Specialness’, where he did special things like the special person he is. (NOTE: Offense to mentally retarded persons not intended. Okay, maybe there was, but what the heck.)

Early early life[edit]

Owen's conception is fairly controversial. Experts in the field of Owen Wilson (Wilsologists) reckon that Owen was conceived when his mother (Bobby mark 2) accidentally slipped on a bar of soap in a public toilet, causing her penis to involuntarily fall into Bobby's, well, ya know. And thus Ben Stiller was born. Wait, were we talking about Wilson? Right. And thus, Wilson was born.

Not so early life, but later than early early life[edit]

Apparently, Owen Wilson was bored, so he skipped that part of lis life out. Did I mention that he can time travel?

Nose penis surgery[edit]

Perhaps the most gruesome scene in the film is when Wilson elects to have genital nose replacement surgery, turning his nose into a secondary penis. This nose/penis is then used to perform a variety of sex acts that are shown in shockingly explicit detail.

THE OWEN WILSON MASSACRE (August 26, 2007)[edit]

On August 26, 2007 it was reported that Wilson, who by this time had become reclusive following the unwanted celebrity after the release of Wedding Crashers and subsequent drop in perverse sexual activities, had ballooned up to 360lbs and begun exhibiting strange behavior to the few that were still in contact with him.

At 8:08 in the morning Wilson armed himself with a bevy of guns and a limitless supply of ammunition.

At 8:13am he walked into El Burrito Jr. on 21141 Hawthorne Blvd in Torrance, California (the source of his massive weight gain) and opened fire on the restaurant's staff and patrons.

Shootout with LAPD and subsequent takedown by Willem Dafoe[edit]

At 8:24am, Chief Daryl Gates of the LAPD arrived on the scene and a shootout with Wilson ensued. Wilson was reported to have been holding a Shredded Beef Deluxe Burrito in one hand while firing a Bar-Sto Glock 27 SS with the other.

It was at this time, actor Willem Dafoe, who had been hiding under a nearby table during the entire incident, did a back flip onto the restaurant’s front counter and subdued Wilson with his gifted acting abilities, purportedly performing as tortured poet Tom Wingfield in a rather difficult scene from Tennessee WilliamsThe Glass Menagerie.

Wilson, both a theatre fan and a homosexual, was so impressed with the performance and his feelings of relation to Dafoe’s Wingfield that he put down his gun, finished his burrito, and quietly surrendered to authorities.

He later issued this statement to the press the following day:

Owen Wilson’s Package Arrives at MSNBC (August 29, 2007)[edit]

One of Owen Wilson's many photos sent to MSNBC

Not planning on surviving his own massacre, Wilson issued a lengthy invective to MSNBC’s Al Sharpton on the state of his pants. Included with the package were explicit photo’s of himself engaged in looking scary.


Countless victims were shot in Wilson’s early morning rampage (peak Burritofast hours at El Burrito Jr), many were killed, and many more were injured.

Wilson, however, seems to be doing fine, so we should all wish him well.

Being A Douche[edit]

Notably, Wilson was the first person to be nominated for the coveted "Biggest Douche In The Universe" award, ahead of other great contenders like Jack Thompson, David Blaine and Sting.