Parmesan Layer

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“This is made of really good stuff! Yum!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Parmesan Layer

Also known as the "Ozone layer", the Parmesan Layer is a special layer of Parmesan cheese that contains the Earth's atmosphere. God created it to protect the planet's inhabitants (humans, a sort of special derivation of monkeys, and other unimportant living beings, like plants) from the sun's destructive fleshlight (though why God made the sun's fleshlight so bright in the first place is unknown).


God also created the Parmesan Layer to pleasure the humans with special cheese with which they could coat a kind of food they like to call pasta. However, that might have been a miscalculation on His part (pray He doesn't flood us again!), as humans have been producing more and more pasta, calling for a higher use of Parmesan cheese. This is causing the Parmesan Layer to become slowly depleted. In fact, holes have begun to appear in the layer, letting the sun's fleshlight burn too brightly on the surface of the Earth. Soon, this will become a bigger problem than AIDS, pre-teens committing suicide because Snape pwned Dumbledore, salsa-eating Mexicans, and Everything is going to be okay epidemics.


This increasing shortage of Parmesan in the Parmesan Layer has caused the United N00bs (UN) to group and decide of future actions to save the world. Unfortunately, they couldn't come up with a better idea than announcing to humans that they should stop eating spaghetti bologna and mac 'n cheese. Of course, no one listened, because I mean, come on, pasta is fucking great!


A certain crackpot theory/baseless speculation/conspiracy belief is that the Nazi Italians are responsible for the increasing consumption of pasta and Parmesan cheese. It has been stated that they in fact hate pasta, and that over-consuming it is all a part of a crazy plot to rid the world of pasta by slowly using all of the Parmesan Layer's resources. It has also been said that the Nazi Italians have been placing all non-blond, circumcised, pasta-eating people in concentration camps to then "burn the pasta out of them."


And the Parmesan Layer lived happily ever aft...who am I kidding? Nothing much else is known of the Parmesan Layer, other than that it may disappear one day unless God or Optimus Prime intervenes. Or AAA. He fucking pwns.

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