“Fuck Al Gore and fuck PTI.”
Pop-Tart Island (PTI), not to be confused with Three Mile Island Nuclear Generating Facility or the ESPN show "Pardon the Interruption", is a smellular power plant. Now you may question the idea of building such a dangerous facility, and your worries are not in vain. The facility did suffer a partial meltdown back in 1979, but who cares about that. It was years ago, and besides, the workers were probably high anyway. For more information please keep reading. If you would like to leave this page, click here!
How The Hell It Came About
During the push to find more efficient ways to create energy, a brilliant scientist by the name of Fjord Plugenstienski came up with the idea to use Pop-Tarts instead of plutonium or uranium as power sources. Thus PTI was born, ending the current funding for research into the energy efficiency of burning babies. Even though this was never his intention (in fact, Plugenstienski was all for baby-based fuels), Fjord Plugenstienski was awarded the Humanitarian Award for saving countless baby lives. Many world-renowned scientists have nominated Plugenstienki for the Nobel Prize, but he has never won. This may be due to what has come to be known as the Smellular Meltown of '79, explained in more detail farther down on the page. Some people claim Plugenstienski may have been partly, or even perhaps full blown mentally retarded but this is only a myth.
Purely as a side note, the creation of PTI did increase the world hunger rate by 0.023%, but no one cares.
What Pop-Tart Mile Island Really Is
Pop-Tart Island is a Smellular Plant, running on Pop-Tart Generators which in turn are fueled by Pop-Tarts. The Pop-Tart Generators create energy and convert them into the scent of burning Pop-Tarts, more commonly known as "Scent". The scents were then piped to homes in the surrounding area of the factory, which currently is abandoned and being cleaned by the government. Everyone who had lived there has since moved and all were given a large sum of money by the government in order to keep their mouths shut.
As it turns out, the scents created by the smellular plant were not very efficient. They have very few uses, few of which are actually that useful.
Common Uses of Scent
There are several common uses of Scent. The most commonly thought of, but not most common in occurrence is creating hunger. This effect usually only works on small rabid animals, whores, and the homeless. The second use is to make one's house smell of burnt pop tarts. This is in fact the most common use, because honestly who the hell doesn't want their house to smell like burnt hair? The third use is to mask odors, most commonly: after sex stank, your mom, and zombies. However, the odor does attract your mom so be warned. Shortly after its creation, it was discovered that Scent actually is the cure for AIDS, Herpes, and all other sexually transmitted infections. However, it was proven in a recent study done by an elite society of Bavarian scientists that Scent does, in fact, cause every form of cancer. So if you used Scent to cure your chlamydia, well then, life sucks for you. You basically just committed suicide. Next time use penicillin dumbass. Also, Scent tends to make a person become, more or less, a carbon copy of Clay Aiken.
Smeltdown of '79
There are many theories to as to how the actual Smellular Meltdown, or Smeltdown as it more commonly known, was caused. The most commonly accepted goes as follows:
- One of the engineers (presumably Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott), accidently turned the control knob from light to ebony lovin'. Scotty was never scene after the Smeltdown, so no charges could be filed against him. Attempts to "sniff" him out were futile. However, there had to be some punishment given, and to his dismay, some guy was found to be guilty on all charges.
Less Popular Causes of the Smeltdown of '79
- The PIC at the time was off on a coffee break, and his assistants "forgot" to turn off the generators and change the Pop-Tarts.
- Terrorists sabotaged various key generators, but this theory is frowned upon, except by the government
- Seth Rogen tried to remove one of the pop tarts prematurely. However, this theory is usually discredited, being as Seth Rogen never worked at PTI and is probably unaware of its existence.
- Instead of using Pop-Tarts as fuel, plant employees instead used their own shit in recognition of NSD (National Shit Day). Police have never followed through with any investigations concerning this theory, and they have their reason. The theory was created by Richard Nixon, most likely in attempt to draw attention back his way. However, being as nobody cared about Nixon, the public generally remained unfazed by Nixon's attempt at attention.
- God, in all his power, glory, wisdom, strength, amazingness, raw awesome, foresight, almighty splendor and glory smote PTI and made it look like an accident. Some people discredit this theory, claiming God is a hoax, while others claim he would never do such a thing. The police tried to bring God in for questioning, but they could not get a hold of him.
The Employee Revolt of '79
The summer of '79 was not kind to Pop Tart Island. Shortly after the Smeltdown, the employees revolted against the Man, claiming that the place was not up to OSHA Standards. The managers demanded to know exactly what the hell the employees were complaining about, and it was revealed that the plumbing had been backed up for the past several years. Ever since the plant's construction in fact.
In an attempt to assuage the masses, the CEO of PTI hired the best plumber money could buy. Unfortunately the plumber was away on vacation in a foreign country with his girlfriend. The CEO tried to hire the plumber's brother, but that plumber was in rehab for OD-ing on shrooms. The employees were sick and tired of not being able to use the bathrooms during their shifts, which were generally twenty-five hours long, and decided to have a sit-in until the CEO solved their problem.
The CEO did in fact solve their problem, but in a way unforeseen way. Figuring that dead people don't need to shit, the CEO hired a band of hit men and had all of his workers shot. The next day a brand new batch of workers were happily running the plants which now had working bathrooms (somebody finally realized the importance of flushing).
Current Attempts To Keep The Project Running
After the Smeltdown of '79, a minor change was made:
The knob that controls how long the Pop-Tart undergoes it's smellular reaction was changed to Michael Jackson circa 2003 through Michael Jackson circa 1975. This now clarifies what exactly the original settings: light, not-as-light, sort-of-light-but-not-as-much, medium, slightly-darker-than-medium-but-not-dark-yet, a-good-tan, roasted-duck, dark, darker, not-quiet-darkest, and ebony lovin' were really meant to represent. In order to make sure that Micheal Jackson circa 2003 is always running smoothly, certain people advocate the use of robots, but the President has decided, for the time, not to do so just in case the revolution occurs like everyone says it will.
Well, as it turns out, not too many people like Pop-Tart Island, due to its effects on World Hunger and its carbon footprint. However, many influential people, such as Oscar Wilde, Jesus, and even God are trying their hardest to keep Pop-Tart Island running.
Another idea proposed by the owners of PTI was to substitute Pop-Tarts for Toaster Strudels. The proposer of this idea stated that due to the fact that Toaster Strudels are clearly superior to Pop-Tarts, they would be a better fuel source. This idea was implemented, but when the Pop-Tart Generators were given this new fuel source, the energy output was so great that several generators exploded, nearly causing a second Smeltdown. An ongoing investigation to find the corpse of the man who proposed using Toaster Strudels is still underway.
PTI's Attempt to Lure A Younger Generation
Shortly before the smeltdown, PTI realized it was losing support, so it attempted to capture the attention of a younger generation. The target ages of this younger generation was 3-10. The reasons behind selecting such a demographic elude scholars to this very day.
In order to attract this younger generation, PTI used Poppy the Tart. A cartoon pop tart, Poppy appealed to the problems and troubles of this young generation. For many he served as a role model, as his gentle appearance and massive sword made all those around him feel safe.
Poppy the Tart, with the permission of the PTI President, wrote a book about Pop-Tart Island entitled: "One Million and One Facts about PTI." The book wasn't very successful, since nobody wanted to read about one million and one facts about PTI. The later, abridged version "One Hundred and One Facts about PTI" was a much greater success. Below are the most popular facts found within Poppy's idiot-child of a book:
- Cherry Poptarts have the highest power for their emission level!
- Smores Poptarts were made illegal as a fuel source after the '79 Smeltdown!
- Wildberry Poptarts were made extinct due to their price-to-output ratio!
- Hitler was really a Jew!
- The older models of Pop Tart Generators where originally designed to be nuclear warheads, but denied by the military as being 'too unethical'!