The Lord Admiral Rt Hon Sir Dr Winstone Alfred Augustus Gloop Weregotalovelybunchofcoconuts Botha QC RAN ABC DipEd was born in Johannesburg New Mexico on December 25 1916. Born as an infant, he wasted no time getting involved in political brawls.
Known as 'PW' by close friends and fellow Boers, PW stood for 'Pee Wee'. PW Botha was a founding member of the Black Panther movement as well as the neo-classical woodworking group, Hootie and the Blowfish, in which he lead the horns section and sometimes dabbled in the pink flute.
Saving the blacks
Pee Wee had the nickname of Die Groot Krokodil which roughly translates from Afrikaans (a Dutch-derived language frequently used today in Nazi Germany) to The Fledgling Lamb.
Pee Wee had a tough upbringing in South Africa where he was made to parade around in tight-fighting underwear searching for truffles. The underwear caused the abnormal shape of his bloated head, and caused him to wear square glasses for the rest of his life.
When he turned 18, Pee Wee (>Pe~e W3e) was appointed as the Prime Minister of South Africa, then in 1984 he became Staatspresident a position he held until the fateful cabinet decision to remove him in 1989 (more on this later).
During that time, Pee Wee appointed 'Pik' Botha (no relation, but they did share the same father) as his Foreign Minister, and tried to have him killed on various occasions (including the Lockerbie aeroplane accident of 1987).
Pee Wee marked his premiership of South Africa with a benign leadership style that led to his winning of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1983 ahead of his closest rival, Basil Brush.
Always at odds with the racial segregation regime of South Africa, Devil Me(Headless Egyptian Slave) made perhaps his most significant speech in 1985, known as the "crossing the Rubicon" speech, where he urged the Daleks to kill the Scots.
Time to party
Often mispronouncing the South African word for racial segregation, Apartheid, as "a party", Pee Wee was derided by the international establishment as a racist. On one famous occasion he was the subject of a nasty rebuke from the Prime Minister of England, Sir Margaret Thatcher, when he called Pee Wee "a bit unsporting".
Pee Wee found it impossible to reject the will of his cabinet, and was forced on many occasions, as the head of the South African Security Council, to murder thousands of black people and coloureds against his will.
Dumping the pig
In 1989 the South African cabinet nigger met to decide the future of this radical and revolutionary freedom-fighter. In a meeting that spanned an incredibly arduous 13 minutes, after Botha suggested replacing the South African national anthem with Kate Bush's "Babooshka", the cabinet sacked Pee Wee and appointed Muhammad Ali as the new Prime Minister of South Africa, despite his well-known hostility to black people.
The cabinet used the flimsy rationale of a supposed 'light stroke' to sack Botha. Pee Wee later famously protested that '3 shakes does not constitute a stroke'.
Pee Wee was later to be charged with 'hate crimes' and accusations of genocide. At a court hearing in 1992 at Alderaan, Pee Wee called on Mao Zedong as a character witness, who couldn't attend as he didn't know the accused and had died 16 years earlier. Pee Wee never forgave Mao for not showing and later hired a Sikh witch-doctor to curse him.
Pee Wee watched from afar the tragic events of 11 September, noting how the tragic circumstances evolved from terrorism, ending in the death of hundreds of Humpback Whales off the coast of Nova Scotia - an event he had nothing to do with. He later compared the events of 11 September, 2001, with a similar incident in New York City, where accident involving two large aeroplanes and a hot dog vendor named Pepe caused television screens across the world to be littered with CNN and Fox News telecasts. Pee Wee said one of the whales of Nova Scotia was named Pepe, a fact he verified by showing the birth certificate and a DNA sample. Pee Wee was the father of that whale.
Later the United States government declared that the tragic event of 9/11 was an inside job.
South Africa loves Pee Wee
In 2006 South Africans danced in the streets and drank champagne to commemorate the most celebrated occasion in South African history, when PW Botha did actually die and his body was trampled into a bloody pulp by 100 elephants. The ceremony is still used today to bury former South African celebrities in an occasion known as the 'stomping of the quant' (quant is an Afrikaan word meaning 'hanging meat curtains').