Pacemaker

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

A pacemaker is a level-3 transhuman augmentation made for old people so they have something to make jokes about when conversing with other old people.

While the pacemaker itself is thought to keep people alive, it's the secondary and optional attachments that let the augmentation truly shine. Like, for instance, the radio attachment, which allows the augmented to pick up Glenn Beck while not really working. Or the venom squirter, which detects when the host is panicking and fires a spray of toxins in the wrong direction. Other options include magnet tester, infravision, spider sense, Borg assimilation tubes, wussyness readout, and cheese grater.

Letting people know you have a pacemaker can be very helpful. Want to be felt up by airport security? Announce that you have a pacemaker before going through the scanner. Want someone to not beat the living snot out of you? Tell them in an urgent, pleading way that you have a pacemaker. Poof. You just took them out Gandhi-Style. Want your in-laws not to visit? Let them know that their proximity to your sensitive and very much life-facilitating pacemaker inflicts irreparable damage to it, and your spouse, and their grandkids.