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Padiham is a small market town, near the Republic of Burnley in the North-West of England. A breakaway colony in the hidden, monster filled caverns of the Lancashire Cesspool. Currently, there is a population of 33,090 people, 60 with all their own teeth!

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A local's interperation of where Padiham may lurk in the depths of Lancashire


Not much is known about the exact location of Padiham. A Government Task Force have narrowed it down to somewhere between London and Mars. Late at night, it is reported that the feral screams of Padiham's local residents can be heard across the land. Anyone who dare set foot in the "black area" where Padiham is said to be has been found dead, devoid of all internal organs and intelligence. One man who found Padiham while lost was devoured alive by the locals.

A typical adult couple in Padiham


One of the brave explorers who tried to track down the elusive town was found with a small dossier on the inhabitants of Padiham. Inside was knowledge of the stages of life for a Padihamer:

Egg- Feral Child- Chavling- Chav/Chavette- Prisoner/Single Mother- 'Tony Blair'/Blair Witch- Death- George W. Bush

Chavs make up all of the teenage/young adult population of Padiham. The chav will breed with the chavette, and they will part their separate ways. The chav will then spend most of their adult life in prison, whereas the chavette will sponge off the state and wait until the feral child hatches out of its egg. Once the child is hatched, they will be left to fend for themselves in the town. Eventually, the chav and the chavette will be reunited, and will live happily ever after in their council house, watching The Jeremy Kyle Show on a plasma screen TV.


With the discovery of shocking new evidence, academics now believe that Padiham is in fact one of the 7 Gates of Hell, designed by Satan to bring forth Armageddon. They thoerise that the chav sub-culture in the town is merely a cover for a deeper cult of devil worshipping Oprah fanatics. Then again, these academics may have been on crack, and Padiham is simply a shitty little town in the middle of nowhere which is just hard to find. Some fear that we may never know.


On 30th June 2006, an alleged Padiham resident attacked and destroyed Pendle Hill. He was captured by the Burnley police force, and sent to a secret Government Testing Facility. There, the country's top scientific minds have been analysing around the clock the behaivour and abilities of this Padihamer. A leaked report suggested that they had captured a Padiham Chavette and had bred a secret army of Padihamer's to use in the next war.

The Future?[edit]

In her re-election speech, the MP for the Republic of Burnley, Lindsay Lohan promised to find and invade Padiham to put an end to the mystery, and to destroy the threat once and for all. It is not known at the time of writing that this promise has helped her regain her seat in Parliament. 'Operation Oprah' is the failsafe in the event of an attack by Padihamers. A missile has been packed with thousands of kilos of specially irradiated Oprah fat and cholesterol, which can kill any living organism within 5 miles of the detonation area.

Ancient Palatine of Lancashire
Formby.jpg Lancaster | Blackburn | Burnley | Padiham | Liverpool | St Helens | Wigan | Billinge

Preston | Manchester | Salford | Blackpool | Rochdale | Stockport
Darwen | Bolton | Denshaw | The Pennines | Lanky Twang
George Formby | Christopher Eccleston | Narnia | Ashton-In-Makerfield