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Too soon? Not Soon enough!
If this turns you on, you're a pedophile.

“When I masturbate to a picture of my 35 year old spouse, when they were 6-years-old and naked, does that make me a pedophile?”

“You know i think everybody should relax and TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!! Stop judging everybody. You don't know all the facts till they come out”

~ Uncle Paul on being in denial about his despicable crimes against humanity

For some reason, people appear to associate the word Paedophile with Michael Jackson. Uncyclopedia has no understanding of why this is the case. It is our opinion that it is perfectly normal for a grown man to spend all of his time with children of prepubescent age, and that giving such children $7m is a perfectly natural thing for any man to do. That aside, the word Paedophile has many meanings which are not related to Michael Jackson. They are as follows:

  • One who practices the ancient martial art of Pae Do.
  • A non-existent element in children's stories used especially to instill great fear in children for the effect of a natural upbringing, rather than the notorious spoon-feeding of knowledge from parents.
  • A man who uses a small file to smooth the sharp edges of peas in expensive restaurants to make them more palatable for their sophisticated clientèle.
  • Someone who collects plasticine, which they keep inside filing cabinets.
  • A Kiddie-fiddler,
  • A pedestrian who hasn't philed their taxes.
  • One who take occupation in paedophilia.
  • A Priest of the Catholic church branch of Christianity.

This is a fact!![edit]

If this turns you on, you're a pedophile.

Impress your grandchildren with these snippets of fun paedophile trivia!

Little rascal Hayley Stark zapping some paedo-balls with her laser eyes
Geoffrey Leonard is the world's leading author of books about "molesting young boys".
Hmm, and to think he poisoned all of them BEFORE Bed time.
  • Paedophiles are easily lured by a trail of paedo-pellets (commonly known as 'Werther's Originals').
  • Paedophiles all come from the quaint little town of Paedophilia (not to be confused with Philadelphia) - but keep your kids away from Philadelphia just to be on the safe side - plus Lancaster, the Paedoph Isles, and probably Middlesex, NJ.
  • The leading cause of paedophilia is sexy children.
  • One way of defending yourself against paedos is to hire a very tall, bald man with a beard named Vito (the man, not the beard,) to protect you.
  • Paedophiles let off a scent similar to that of a hammer.
  • The proximity of paedophiles may be detected by use of a paedometer.
  • One way of defending your children from paedophiles is to hire a armed taliban and let him wrap your children in a extra-large burqa

Popularity of Paedophiles[edit]

  • They are considered a very highly regarded species for observation, being naturally sexually perverse and having an extra gene which can also cause Down's syndrome. Therefore paedophiles can be considered to be suffering from a more serious form of Down's syndrome; that is, the syndrome without the Down expressed physically.
  • There are several fan clubs since the beginning of time, ranging from the Royal Rome Family Youth Exploration Club, The Future Youth of North Korea Training Club, and S-Club Juniors.
  • John Paul 2.0 is soon to be made the Patron Saint of Paedophiles, due to his selfless defence of Catholic ones. Oooh, he had a heart of gold, didn't he?
Uncle Sam on Paedophilia

Average Paedophilia's Internet Conversation[edit]

Priestly paedophilia acknowledged on a "stained"-glass window

BigBoi101: any1 on?

ipissmahbed1000: i am on

BigBoy101: hey

ipissmahbed1000: sup?

Bigboy101: ntm.

BigBoy101: A/S/L

:ipissmahbed1000: no

Bigboy101: ill tel u min first.

ipissmahbed1000: k...

Bigboy101: 55/Male/NYNY u?

ipissmahbed1000: OMFG 10/Male/NYNY

Bigboy101: OMFG R U 4 RL!?

ipissmahbed1000: OMFG YES I HAVE NO FRINDS THO :(

Bigboy101: Ill b ur frind.

ipissmahbed1000: rly?

Bigboy101: want 2 cyber?

ipissmahbed1000: yah!

6 hours of Cybering later

Bigboy101: cya gtg

ipissmahbed101: dood want 2 hang?

Bigboy101: ill be on 2moro

ipissmahbed1000: no i men in rl

Bigboy101: uh k wer u want to meet?

ipissmahbed1000: at chukeh cheese.

bigboy101: oka i bringz eh condamz?

ipissmahbed1000: no i has some.

bigboy101: ight c u thur

4 days later, "ipissmahbed1000" was revealed to be a 47-year-old feminine asexual who was brutally raped by "bigboy101" (later revealed to be a 9-year-old boy). Weird.

See also[edit]

Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions