Paintball

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It can be seen here that paintballing is hotter than airsoft. It also says facefull. Facefull of what? Could that paintball gun be getting a blowjob? Damn, I'd sell my soul to be that paintball gun.

“Paintballing hurts like fuck!”

~ Captain Obvious on paintballing

“I'll show you what hurts like fuck”

~ Oscar Wilde on what Captain Obvious thinks about paintball

Paintball is a sport in which people shoot each other with giant pink bath beads. Stinging in the skin is non-avoidable and this sport should never be played by anyone under the age of 10 1/3. Championships such as the World Paintball Games, (which used to be called the World Cyber Games who recently in 2005 dropped video gaming competition in favor of paintball after the UN banned games because they were proven to cause infertility). Other many leagues also exist, either on a national scale or a local one. One is called PSP. But it was blown up 'cuz it sounded like Sony, and what the PS3 wants for it's little brother, gets.

Paintball is the national sport of Iraq.

Equipment[edit]

Marker- This device is what shoots your balls. Make sure you have condom and you lube it good, that way the hammer will be softer on your balls. It's good to have a cocker, and you can cut it a bit to give it a different look, but make sure you are careful when you do.

Hopper- Hoppers are portable urinals that feed your balls into the hole where the valve blows on them to make them cum out the end. They will get blocked if you are using a condom.

Balls- paintballs is what you shoot (capt obvious 1 writer 0). The rule of balls is that if you squeeze them too hard they break and gooy stuff (ball juice) comes and it gets all over the place. Also the more you hold them the softer they get and when they go through the tube they get stuck and you have to use a plunger device to get them out and it hurts. if you drop your balls they will break.

Air- Air is always CO2 or HPA and methane. The better HPA tanks are made from fibers that come from mustaches of ukrainian people, like Serj Tankian or Ugene Hutz, lead singer of Gogol Bordello.When one has run out of CO2 or HPA you can make conventional source for air by placing it up your anus and farting as hard as possible(baked beans always help).

Mask- The more you look like Leatherface, the better respected you will be.

Condom/Plug- Covers/Plugs the end of the marker so you don't get your balls in you eye...NOOBZ! (also known as Sock and butt plug)

ha ha i went paintballing and some bitch popped his gunthrough a hole in a wall i was hiding behind and blasted me so i snook round th corner and used my full hopper on the back of his head LOL

Reasons For Playing[edit]

Kittens are well known players.

Mostly, impregnating girls, and shooting shit. It is said that E.E. Cummings, the founder of paintball (originally paintball were filled with jizz from Mr. Cummings, and he found that a Jello- ike capsule filled with his libido shot farther than doing it the regular way) wrote "We are agg, and need to paint the town many, many colors, and provide subliCAKEminal messages for those that follow the golden balls." This was what originally inspired Al Gore to invent the internet. Paintball is one of the most exciting games you will ever play, ever. So exciting in fact, that 1,346 people have died from a condition called omfgmyheartjustexplodedfromtheamountofexcitinginpaintball syndrome. Another is OMGWTFBBQIJUSTGOTSHOT9042343242TIMES in the balls syndrome, which has claimed the lives of -48 people. Most deaths also occur due to AIDS, crabs, genital warts, herpes and other homo-erotic STD's. Obama is a well known player, having played for Dynasty until Oliver Lang came along and kicked his ass.

WARNING: NEVER PLAY WITH MR. ALMOND AS HE SHOOTS HIS OWN TEAM!

Sup' air Paintball[edit]

Sup' air Paintball was where it started. It's where 500000000000 of the 500000000001 best paintball players play. People there tend to wear SUPER AGG JERSEYS to live out their lives on the field of dreams. The Sup' air paintball crowd tends to revolve around awesome timers or awesome mexican type people who can't handle the idiot rantings of the woodsball people. Alot of time's in an attempt to seem like a good friend in front of friends (specifically cool people), Woodsball first timers who venture near the Sup' air field, to get a drink or something will catch a glimpse of speedball. At this point the cool infested awesome men decide they could take a shit on speedballers. A common phrase uttered by them is "bro we run faster at soccer". Because of this, the greatly outnumbered BUT BETTER SKILLED LEET speedballers get to enjoy SMASHING THE FUCKING FACES OF ALL THE WOODSBALL SCRUBS. In the end, Sup' air paintball won the epic war of Dr. Pepper vs. Prussia Ft. Oscar Wilde

To conclude: Sup' air > Woods, Obama > Bush

The Marker wars[edit]

The worst paintball gun is and always will be the blade, cause they are the worst and shoot 0.05 balls per second! It is also known that those who buy Blades are evil, gay has no penis and will go to Hell. But if you have a brain you would upgrade the blade thus making it capable of not jamming after 2 minutes (5 paintballs shot). Tippmanns however are the best guns you can buy and are fully kickass. Don't shoot to many pedestrians or else you will find yourself arguing to your neighbor why they called the cops on you for blinding their 6 yearold son.

It was at this point, that Tom Kaye, son of Athena and Bob Marly, born from the spleen of E.E. Cummings himself, designed the Level 10 bolt for the Automag, which gave you the mystical ability to "accidentally" knock the mask off of annoying little 14 year olds with Ions and shoot them repeatedly in the face. For this he became famous, and was granted manny courtmaidens to bang. And so it seemed like Smart Parts had been defeated, but then they sued WDP, WGP, KS, LOL, AGD, PCP, AKA, NHL,and LSD for making better electric guns then they could, and either put the companies out of business or stopped them from making their electric guns. Which would prove deadly for Ion opposers, because the Tippmann is a ------- beast.

But Tom Kaye, warrior of the Golden Gate and Protector of America(fugk Ya!!) would not take this sitting down. He loaded his crossbows, chainsaws, and decided to venture into hell. He kicked major ass, but then the devil decided to challenge Mr. Kaye to a fiddle contest. If he won, then Smart Parts would be smited, and if he lost, satan would make sure everyone got an Ion. Well, it didn't matter what would happen if Kaye won, because the devil laced his drink with mesculine, and Kaye ended up playing a bass (that is a fish) and doing the best version of Stairway to Heaven you have EVER heared...Satan simply played twinkle-twinkle little star, but since he was actually using a fiddle, the Devil won. And that's why all these jerks have Ions, and the only chance for Earth's survival is the Automag. Go buy one now, for there's a half price sale at Mackey's. Or just go to hell and shoot the Devil with an Automag.(bitches!)

Awesomeness[edit]

Paintball is one of the most sexual sports in the world trust me I play!



This is infact wrong, If you play Paintball, you will develop a rare case of SUP1R CANS3R, which will make your mom die within 4 hours, unless you read some fucking idiotic Chain Letter and post it to 5 of your friends within 10 fucking minutes.