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“I park here”

~ Pakeha on Maori
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First Pakeha

Pakeha, pronounced "Land-stealing-honky-bastards", is a common New Zealand Maori food. It is an introduced species, that arrived on sailing ships, around 1770, and began taking over the land. It has been deemed a pest, and while sometimes lovable and cuddly, some of the species are arrogant and aggressive. Pakeha is a food best served with Puha, a form a thistle, and kumara, a sweet potato. Woman pakeha is a meal best served on the spit roast, or in the presence of a culture gathering known as a gangbang.

Pakeha have since been exported to Australia-CONVICTS, and occassionally, some are exported to Europe, where they tend to drink a lot of alcohol, and speak with stupid accents.

Origin of Pakeha[edit]

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No one is quite sure where pakeha originated, but it is assumed that since this species can also be found in other parts of the world, especially Europe , and America, that one of these countries must be the point of origin, but some scientists are now considering behavioural patterns of modern pakeha, and have come to believe that the species may have indeed be the missing link. Or at least, the new zealand ones

Dangerous Pakeha[edit]

Dangerous Pakeha

Some pakeha are considered more dangerous than others. This is often seen by examining the face, and the more ugly the species, the more dangerous. This sub-species is known as Politician, and can be identified from the image on the right. The degree of danger can also be measured by the amount of hot air and noise given off, and a very notable characteristic, known as "lying" or "making political promises". A common test to determine if this sub-species is lying is to see if the lips are moving; if so, then they are lying.

Pakeha is actually the first and most successful April Fools joke in new Zealanduh. The local maori boys were watchin the early wharfies unloading and swearing at each other "buggerya." So by the time the euro guys decided to learn maori when asked what the word is - guess what "buggerya had morphed into pakeha. Its remained an in-house joke for the maori ever since.

Pakeha Justice[edit]

The term 'Pakeha Justice' can be applied during sentencing of a Maori Accused by a Pakeha Judge. This term was coined by Donna Huata's transexual brother/sister during the passing of her sentence in 2002.


Eradication Treatment

An extensive eradication programme has been taken out since the 1950s, using a mixture of DDT and 2,4,5-T, sprayed over most farm-lands and major cities. One city in particular, New Plymouth, continues to pour the poisons over the city, and the company involved then hides under the toxic cloud, and the cloud of political mis-information and public enquiries.

Common Pakeha Recipe[edit]

Boiled Pakeha


  • 1 Pakeha
  • 1 Large Stone
  • 20 Gallons of Water
  • Herbs and Spices
  • sheep poo


  • Very Large Pot
  • Industrial Size Gas Oven
  • Patience


  1. Heat oven to Gas Mark 4.
  2. Weigh down Pakeha in pot with the large stone.
  3. Add water until Pakeha is covered completely (ignore their struggles).
  4. Place pot on gas element and boil the Pakeha slowly for 24 hours.
  5. Stir periodically. Add salt, herbs, spices, cocaine, or whatever it is you use to flavour food.
  6. Drain water from pot and allow contents to cool.
  7. Discard Pakeha and eat the stone, as it is less chewy.

Serves 4.

Pakeha on toast


  • 1 Pakeha
  • 1 Loaf of bread
  • Butter


  • Toaster
  • Knife


  1. Put bread slices in toaster
  2. Apply butter generously to toasted bread
  3. Using the knife scrape chunks off the Pakeha and spread them about the toast
  4. Serve toast cut into thin strips on a large platter

Serves 5-10.

See also[edit]