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Pakenham (known to the locals only as 'Pakky') was first founded in the early years of the development of Melbourne by a drug-addicted, gambling, homeless, failed horse jocking by the name of Mr Pak Edward Nathanial Ham. Pakenham quickly rose as one of Victoria's most prosperous highway resorts. Some time later, human life began to evolve.

In the year 1034 when the idea of "the dol" was introduced, Pakenham was chosen as the preferred place of weekly payment slips. 99% of Pakenham's population has since been "on the dol". The further 1% of the population is a family of serial killers, sentenced to life in Pakenham - a fate worse than death in most opinions.

It is highly illegal to live in Pakenham without at least 10 deadlocks on each door, and windows have been banned since 2002 - since the great Pakenham High School massacres, where 20 year 7s cut up and ate their teachers, then killed pretty much everyone else. The bodies are still found throughout the town today, since everyone in Pakenham is too lazy to pick it up.

Pakenham is the Bogan/Drug/Tween Sex capital of Gippsland (AUS)

It is also highly illegal for girls aged 10-22 NOT to hang out the front of coles acting like skanky moles.

local pakwegian


Sunny Pakenham hosts thousands of freight trucks and diesel-coated truck drivers weekly.

Situated an hour South-East of Melbourne along the Princes Highway (called the Princes Highway to give Pakenham visitors a glimmer of hope before their entrance into hell), Pakenham offers a much needed comfort to the many couriers and freight trucks on their way to somewhere more interesting. Resting mercifully silent beneath the ravenous hills of Pakenham Upper, and slightly north of Koo Where Rup, the town will be forever etched into the repressed memories of the local school children and their parents - especially since the local steel works exploded violently, sending shards of various metals into many of them.

Pakenham is conveniently the last stop on the local train line to Melbourne, because the trains have to be burned once they have reached Pakenham's outer limits. It is a well-known fact that all passengers travelling to Pakenham on the train will have a 90% chance of dying from what the Pakenham police describe as "innocent attempts to incorporate the unworthy".


Pakenham is lead by the Honourable Senator Daterape, who's name is endorsed through the actions of it's residents. The town of Pakenham is still yet to have electricity and running water. Their main form of transportation is early model holdens, prefered for there superior burnout performance.

Pakenham is the very home of Melbourne's bogan population. All residents of Pakenham speak in the Pakenham Bogan dialect, for example; "aww ma gawd oi din' bluddy ring Sherrul!" or "Speh sum bux mate? Missus jus' had her firty-fiff kid an' we're tryn' ta pay da olda chillun' to get on to pakky high for sum overdosin', to ligh'en da load!" , or "pass us da chop man", "wanna fiddy bag ?" or "jus chillen man"

Small gatherings at the Bryant residents.. no chance, i'll get the beer bong.

It should be added that Pakenham residents in fact have the lowest common sense rate of any town in Australia.

  1. Safe from the potato festivals of their southern neighbours and the ridiculous name of Nar Nar Goon, Pakewegians often become involved in more customised traditions. Recently, these include taking place in the annual "Yakaboo" festival, in which the residents mull about attempting to ignore the eternally unknown reasons for the commotion. The local music, although containing neither melody or rhythm, has a certain sentimental value for those who have long left the area. This value is monetary, and is usually spent on dark blue "beaters" and football shorts, as per the upbringing of these Pakewegians.
  2. The Pakenham Show is also an annual event, with attendance poor due to the fact that it is horribly shit. In truth, the Pakenham Show is usually only a good excuse for getting pissed.
  3. Looking for a place to have a beer and a good meal? Try the Pakenham Inn, or newly opened sushi bar! No matter where you go or what it is called in Pakenham, the only meals you can eat are "chicken parma", or what some call "chicken in pyjamas" - a very sickening vision of food, where the name somewhat speaks for itself.
  4. OR, looking for some serious fun visit Pakenham Upper. It is here that the king of Pack-en-them-up-her resides and gathers with his loyal knights and knightesses to join in a jolly game of shoot the bogan every saturday morning. This tradition is intended to keep the mutated half breeds away from the pristine hills of the superior beings. Goon is the Local Alcohol Source in pakenham. 9/10 times you will see a bogan with a goon bag!

Quick Statistics[edit]

Unemployment Rate: 21.6%

78.4% of Pakewegians are employed as bus drivers. Of these, 78% cannot drive buses. The remaining .4% are Horses.

Average Age: None.

Pakenham is unique in being the only town in it's area where everyone is at least a year older or younger than anyone else.

Population: 0 (real people).

As there is one person per year of age, you would assume there to be no more than 100 people. Unfortunately, there is far more. As for the average age, the remaining uncounted people cannot remember their age and therefore an accurate number can not be estimated.

Average Income: None.

When asked about their income, Pakewegians usually respond with something along the lines of "It wasn't moi fault. I jus' opened the door and income the horse."

Housing per capita: None.

Although owning houses, Pakewegians live in permanent amnesia of the location of their homes, often resorting to uninvitedly living periodically in the houses of those in nearby Berwick or Beaconsfield.

Police per capita 15

It is presumed in Pakenham that there are an abundance of policemen because of the constant sirens polluting the filthy Pakenham air, however it must be said that at least half of these are permanently stationed at the house of the Monktons

Capita per capita: None.

Capita is a British company, involved in outsourcing projects for the government. They are, redeemingly, not assosiated with Pakenham in any way.

Bogans:Real People Ratio 100:1

All Pakky People are mindless Bogans that spend 100% of there centerlink money on slabs of VB (Victorian Bitter aka Victorian Bogan Juice)

Nerds:Idiots 1:the rest of the population of Pakky. Most of these idiots just think there really tough.

Average IQ N/A

Average inhabitants per household This is immposible to determine due to the number of residents still living with there parents every few days when they return home from a 'bender' , or those who dont actually have a residence, rather migrate from house to house, helping themselves to food, cigarettes, and whatever drugs may happen to be around.

The IQ test has been replaced in Pakky by the B.O.G.A.N test due to the lack people getting a positive number on the test.

NOTE: There actually are people in Pakenham that break away from these sterotypes...about 0.1% of the population(Still a number, although you will find most of this 0.1% lives in Pakenham Upper )

School Information[edit]

In between leisure periods, usually for only one or two hours per week, Pakewegian children and teenagers attend the local schools, to have sex.

Attendance rate per term is 8 half-days, when the drug-dealer takeover occurs.

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in recent news, brett venn has just had his first hit of speed at a local pakenham party. packenham zero jack anning AKA: OOOOO jacky annning was caught wanking in the girls toilets with mastermind brodie celby.