Emperor Palpatine

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Emperor Palpatine is a world-renowned expert on skin care.

“He was smaller than I thought he would be.”

~ Random Child on Pope

"Emperor" Dick "Palpatine" Butkis, was a Sith Lord, First Chancellor of the United States and American Vice President under George Bush who worked as a part-time magician (hence the cape and lightning tricks). He had considerable influence with the Republican party, until they found out he drove a solar-powered vehicle (despite it being a big, mean, blow-planets-out-of-existence machine). He was known for his bad skin, one of the reasons for his reclusive life, the other being his bad breath, and gotten a bad rap through the ages. Even his autobiographer decided he didn't like him, halfway through the book. Sidious started life like any baby at the age of 0, and died in an ironic fashion at age 109 by getting punched down some kind of evil wishing well he installed in the Death Starwith his life being "punctuated" by many occurances, like, evil commas in some kind of very long, evil sentence.

Does the pope shit in the woods?

"The mission that I have deesigned was acomplished through the acomplishment of a mission that I did not design, but of which I took acknowledgment!" - Emperor Palpatine right before the destruction of the death star (and, obviously, while high on dust. Space dust)

Early Life[edit]

From the left; Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, Playboy. That's Sauron in the background, top right.
Emperor Palpatine inducting a child into the dark side.

Ben Franklin was born very poor in West Podack, Idaho to Marsha and Harold Butkis. Marsha was a sweet hearted housewife, and Harold was a horny and cheap pornstar who barely managed to keep food on the table, the lights on, his kids dressed, or the water running. Y'know, cuz they were poor and so forth.

Franklin had a difficult time in childhood. His Father was a intergalactic pornstar. He was angry because there weren't any gangs he could join to express his anger, and because the cool kids wouldn't let him sit with them at lunch. There weren't any gangs he could join, that is, until his parents were forced to move to Compton, California where he harnessed the powers of Othar The Lightning God and changed his name to Palpatine. There, he got a job at Mc Donalds in the evil division, and soon after he joined the Dark Side under Darth Plagious. Like many a missunderstood, confused teenager, the young Palpatine took solace in the music of such artists as Madonna, Axl Rose and the Spice Girls.It is also during these sad moments that he took the opportunity to create the Island of Mauritius using his newly gained Dark Side powers. He thought that he would find solace in his old age on this little island.

Palpatine's first meeting with Plagious was shortly after he ran away from home. The reasons for his flight remain mysterious although it is rumored that he had learned that his parents were planning to sit down and have an earnest heart to heart with him. This outraged young Palpatine greatly as these calming, honest and touching moments were in his eyes robbing teenagers of their right to be stroppy, self pitying and angry. Not only did it make young Pallpy very angry indeed but also pushed him into leaving to find a way to generate his anger so that he may vent it. However, despite insisting constantly that, "I know all about life you pricks! Leave me alone why don't cha?" he quickly found out that he had no job experience what so ever and was soon desperately begging on the sidewalks of Ohta Gunga. However, fate or the will of the dark side took a hand as one day Darth Plagious, better known as Jar Jar Binks was strolling by. Binks's comically inflated ears couldn't help but leach onto Palpatine's braying rants on how the self serving working man was keeping the downtroden slaker demographic in the ground. Having recently beheaded his latest apprentice Darth Bludayrists for such prattleing, Binks stormed over to Sidious and repremanded him for his derranged moaning.

Unfortunatley Plagious's mock Jamican gibberish only infuriated Palpatine more and before long they entered into an ever escalating barrage of bitching, during which Palpatine let loose many of his personal grievances, such as the crippling theft of his bleoved piggy bank at the hands of his six year old sister. Plagious was intrigued by Palpatine's surging anger, feeling that a student to whom being pissed off and stroppy were a goal rather than a burden would be a useful trait in a student of the Dark side. As a result he offered him a place on his holo broadcast show "THE SITH LORD'S APPRENTICE." Palpatine had little intrest in whatever the strange bug eyed frog man's intentions were, but seeing an oppurtunity to bitch and moan to the whole galaxy, he eagerly accepted. Palpatine made it through to the very end, outwitting many other competitors such as Darth Phelps and Darth Norris - not that the latter was much of a challenge. Ecstatic at this turn of events, Plagious eagerly announced "Your hired!" though coming from his mouth it came out sounding a little more like "Goody Goody! Yousa is hired Palpy!" Palpatine moved into Binks's secret headquarters deep beneath the city of Theed. There Palpatine finally reached something reaching contentment as Binks's bumbling antics and infantile grasp of the English language gave him just the source of anger and resentment he was so sorely missing in his horrificly happy and wholesome life before. And so the Galaxy's greatest nightmare began.

Middle Life[edit]

A Sith Army knife. The impressive part is opening it without burning your finger off.

Darth Plagious had Sidious go through 19 tasks to prove that he was worthy of being a dark master of the sith. Written word for word, here are the original tasks that Sidious was ordered to do:

  1. Best me in a light saber duel.
  2. Best me in tic tac toe.
  3. Best me in checkers.
  4. Best me in a rap off.
  5. Best me in a simultaneous checkers/rap off competition.
  6. Best me in an arm wrestling competition.
  7. Best me in another light saber duel.
  8. Best me in "That's-What-She-Said" Competition.
  9. Best me in making a YouTube video.
  10. Best me in vandalizing a Wikipedia article.
  11. Best me in Rejection competition.
  12. Best me in a simultaneous checkers/arm wrestling competition/rap-off.
  13. Best me in a pretty girl stalking competition.
  14. Best me in a Yo Momma fight.
  15. Best me in a best of 3 besting competition.
  16. Best me in a... What was the purpose again?
  17. Best me in an Alzheimers' Test.
  18. Best me in a Steel Cage at Wrestlemania.
  19. Best me in a one on one game of Jackass Nutball.
  20. Best me in who can kick each others nuts the hardest.
  21. Best me in realizing there is actually 21 tasks here.

Pladious had Sidious help him build up his gang, The Siths, and put him in charge of membership fee collection. Sidious and Pladious had a falling out, and Sidious murdered him in some nasty way involving a lampshade that some future editor will elaborate on (like me, because I know this story. He cooked the lampshade in a pie and had Pladious eat it, and then he shot him). In the meantime, Sidious became the new leader of the gang and changed his name to Palpatine. He started training new apprentices soon afterwards. It was around this time that Palpatine launched his teen clothing line, House of Palpatine. This however proved to be a massive commercial failure, as the only items on offer were over-priced swirling black capes and hoods. These items, nonetheless, proved to be of great value to Palpatine's next business venture as a producer of interplanetary adult films (including the award-winning "Hutts and Butts: Tatooine Gone Wild").

It is also during this period that Palpatine took advantage of the huge population that happened to be found in Mauritius to create his great army of Clones (which were not really clones but rather Mauritians).

Starting Out In Power[edit]

Back in 1788, Darth Sidious was great friends with George Washington. Not many people knew this but they were actually cousins by marriage. He was Martha Washington second cousin. He was the one that foretold the Presidency and a Republic so great that nobody could possibly imagine. However, this brought worry to Washington because he didn't feel that a total kick ass government would work. Ever heard of the Roman Empire? Washington shared his concerns with Sidious and he reassured Washington that everything would have peace if you designed another higher office being Emperors of the United States. Washington then was taught the dark side by his cousin from marriage who learned it from Darth Taranus. Together both him and Washington brain washed most of the continental congress to pass these laws for the stepping stones to the Emperor of the United States. During this time Sidious took on the name Palpatine. As also foretold Washington won the election and decided that the Vice President was a dead end job with no prospects and that the Chancellor was really in control of the Senate and the Congress and this person would dictate and follow through and make the laws and if Washington or any other President that succeeded didn't like what the incumbent Chancellor had past they had every right to say no and hash out the details.

Also in 1789, the Emperor of the United States was founded and Washington had taken the office which was a turn for the worse for the already self proclaimed Emperor of the Senate, palpatine. It was the only time in history that the Chancellor was also called Emperor. Washington let that slide and soon after all of the offices along with the Presidency and Vice Presidency were recognized in the Exectutive Branch.

Chancellor of the United States[edit]

He was supposed to have this title until death as per his request and Washington's promise. Yet the newly elected President Warren G. Harding felt bad that he had beaten his opponent James M. Cox so badly that he appointed him Chancellor pending the Emperor's approval. It was approved by then Emperor Aleister Crowley. Palpatine lived out the remaining of his days in space wanting to forget this short yet brief encounter into American politics, never speaking of it again.

Old Life[edit]

Emperor Palpatine, Age 86
(royal artist's depiction)

Palpatine became emperor at the ripe age of 99 by tricking the senate into believing that a guy with a serious facial condition and a penchant for flowing black robes could possibly be a good guy. However, Palpatine had a lot of different people he trained to be SuperEvil™ before then. Before he became emperor, Palpatine was charged with being SuperEvil™, but was let off because he charmed the jury with the ol' lift your skirt so they can see your legs trick. He has pretty hot legs, despite his face. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh that's right, the people he trained.

Death... or is it?[edit]

Palpatine, after he had everything going for him, legend says that he was stuck down in the prime of his oldness: at the age of 109, only a week before his highly anticipated spread in Vogue. His legacy was to have been a shining beacon for evil assholes everywhere. This is what makes Star Wars a tragedy: Palpatine was just trying to be popular. That's all he wanted, people: That's all he wanted. In the year 2008, he decided to run for president of the United States under the name John McCain, but lost to a young badass Jedi Master Democrat named Barrack Obama. The Jedi bastard murdered Palpatine after his election and ejected his body to deep space using a rocket, then put a poor street cleaner in McCain's position, so as not to be discovered.


Two years after his death, Palpatine's space-drifting body found its way to Princess Leia's ship. The ship was full of female survivors of a theme park explosion that Leia had rescued. After a month with only lesbian sex onboard, the hangar gate operator thought Palpatine's nude body was one of a black man and brought him onboard. Unluckily for her, his spirit was still alive and took over her. She (or, better, he) took his body to the ship's doctor and went on to shoot Leia and rape her using a strap-on. He then left her body and took over his own, which was "repaired" by the medical droid. After that, he had sex with all those cock-craving chicks and was offered a TIE fighter to fly back to Coruscant. When he got out of the ship, he phoned to a well-known pimp to take care of the girls, but he currently was on the run from the police and didn't answer. He then destroyed the ship with his laser cannons. However, Princess Leia survived because she escaped in an escape pod.

A new reign of terror[edit]

Palpatine soon arrived to Coruscant and went to his former office to consider his plans for the rebuilding of the Empire. However, as soon as he walked into his office, he found everything full of dust, stormtroopers sleeping on the floor with beer bottles next to them and an officer enjoying a blowjob. When they asked him who he was, he killed them all using the Force. Then, Palpatine got to his office's balcony and shouted: "I AM THE EMPEROR!!! I RULE THIS UNIVERSE!!!". Everyone was so afraid that bowed before him. The emperor then started planning his revenge.

Meanwhile, princess Leia arrived to Earth and met with President Obama. When he heard that Palpatine had returned, he was outraged, but then became more outraged when he heard that she actually enjoyed him raping her. He then brought his own fleet out of Hyperspace. It consisted of hundreds of spaceships in the shape of fast food. When the rest of the people on Earth asked what were those giant hamburgers in the sky, he accused the Russians.

Emperor Palpatine started his campaign on 23 June, 2010 when he moved a part of his fleet to Galaxy Burger.


-"Bah Power!!"

-"Hahahahar, St Peter's Basilica...I mean The Death Star is almost complete".-Pope Leo X...I mean emperor Palpatine...yes, no evil catholic references here...

-"What do you want now, sir?" -"To crash the skull of that little black bastard, eat your mom and do his wife!". -Palpatine's ass-licker...I mean servant and Palpatine after his ressurection.

-"The Dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities, some of which are considered to be un-natural" Palpatine, talking about Black Metal

-"FLOWERS!!!!!! UNLIMITED; FLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (killing Mace WIndu with his epic Force Flower attack.) -"Boy do i love Blood soaked tits" Emperor Palpatine about a pair of tits inexplicably covered in blood - "yes, yeahs, now finish him and join my burger company."(after fluke cut off mc.vader's hand off)

Preceded by:
Office Created
First Chancellor of the United States
April 30, 1789January 20, 1921
Succeeded by:
James M. Cox