Panic! At The Disco

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Panic! At The Disco
Biographical information
Physical description

Alternativel, Emocore

Chronological and political information

Panic! at the Disco (formerly known as The Plastic Ono Band) are a dance pop / death metal / bagpipe-core /Vegetarian Progressive Grindcore Liberal Democrat supporting band from Uganda, Nevada. They are the only known band to make a "song" about closing doors a "hit". They are also notorious for popping up too often when people are looking for disco music, although why people would be looking for disco music is anyone's guess.

The members! of Panic! at the Disco are not technically human, since they were created! using an experimental product from Apple called iClone. Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz! was able to gain access to a prototype! by sucking off Steve Jobs over a period of 3! months (often being forced to wear a wig! while being called Steve Wozniak).

Unfortunately, Pete Wentz left the cloning vats for several decades (whilst checking his myspace!) which resulted in the entire batch developing a hideous mutant capacity to not only hijack but ruin any airwaves / radio transmitters / virgins in their immedeate vicinity.

In order to give this new band! a façade of originality, he locked the clones in a room! for 5 weeks with nothing but a record album by the Canadian Arsonist/Terrorist/Indie Rock band Arcade Fire. When later asked about how having a group of Fall Out Boy clones listening to the Arcade Fire would constitute originality!, Wentz started crying and slashed his wrists. The other members of Fall Out Boy have yet to comment! on the issue.

Their music was developed! by S. P. Lunker, an employee of Egregious Music Incorporated (EMI), where the official name of Panic! at the Disco's music is Generic Emo-Punk 24621552. It was developed to increase the company's profits and counteract good music, as Lunker and other members of EMI have been fighting the evil "War! Against Music" since The Battle! of Los Angeles was released by Rage! Against the Machine.

With the help of notorious club DJs! Vladimir Lenin and Jar Jar Binks (famous for "discovering" the "singing" "sensation" Ashlee Simpson), the Panic! At The Disco clones entered a disco club in Scotland and proceeded to play their music! in the middle of the dance floor. This "music" brainwashed! all of the patrons of the disco club, immediately causing the patrons to style their hair into comb-overs, dye it black, and slit their wrists while sounding as if their testicles! (or clitorises for female patrons) had been chopped off and their heads filled with mediocre 80's dance-pop.

Following the release! of their first album, Panic! at the Disco became a phenomenon destroying music! as we know it. The band's popularity is mainly due to the strong support it receives from homosexuals, Da Cock, Michael Richards, and whiny 14 year old girls. Many experts believe Panic! at the Disco has been the cause of widespread kitten huffing among suburban youths with unlimited disposable income, while others believe the band's popularity is a side effect! of being a faggot.

Members! that totally look like chicks[edit]


Ryan! Ross[edit]

Strings, flesh flute, banjo, piano wire for killing


Brendon! "Urine Sample" Urie[edit]

Vocals, sitar player, piano player but most of all girls want to shag him. He loves to touch the other band members.

Jon! Walker[edit]

That other guy, tambourine.

Spencer! Smith[edit]

Who gives a fuckin shit? YOU?!

Responses! From The Critics[edit]

"This is preposterous! I cannot believe such a band would ruin the Bee Gees' legacy! These fools are emoticons, not a disco band! The Bee Gees were disco! This is farty shit! This band should not claim to be such a traditionally revered sound such as disco! Disco is one of the highest forms of art rock around today, and they are ruining it!"

- Barry Gibb of famous 70's disco band, the Bee Gees

"You can't just say 'panic at the disco.' That defeats the whole point of the exclamation mark. We need that to sound exciting. I mean, would you rather listen to ho-hum 'panic at the disco' or 'PANIC! at the disco?' It's a shame the other band members turned down the capital letters; makes me want to cry."

- One of the members of Panic! at the Disco (who cares which one?)

"Fuck dis shit! Dis isn't disco! You want to hear disco, you convert to scientology and come to our meetings every Friday!... Now, THAT'S some REAL fuckin' Brooklyn disco! In fact, I wanna dip my balls in it!...Panic at the Disco ain't disco!... I'm fuckin' disco!"

- John Travolta

"Shit in a can. The band members do marijuana, which kills brain cells and can lead to overdoses. The band worships Satan, and can often be seen biting the heads off innocent animals, throwing fake blood into the crowd, and exposing themselves to the audience. A fan told me that during their shows naked women run on stage covered in blood and masturbate. The whole thing is fuckin' sick! These Satanic fags should all be burned!"

- Justin "The Wonderdog" Woody

"We can really identify with their music. We both seem to enjoy the company of 8-year-old boys."

- Official press release from NAMBLA

"They stole our idea!!! We're so angry about it, we're gonna write a song with a 100 word title about how annoyed we are!"

-Excitement! At the Party

"Good band! Great music to bang little children to!"

-Bob Saget

"Hey man, fuck these guys, I mean, really man, they problably don't even know how to improvise and jam shit out, like the Dead, ya know man? They just play their shitty power chord-4/4-woe is me shit over and over while bands like Phish can play in 9/8 using dorian modes for like 25 minutes, I mean I was listening to some bottlegs the other day.....( rambling 45 minute speech on why Phish is cool, the properties of purple goo, and the effects of the Cuban Revolution on American culture in the 50's and 60's.) ..... man, I have the munchies."

- Random hippie Zach Anderson

"They give farty shit! a bad name."

- Farty Shit! on Panic! At The Disco

"ZoMg, Panic! at the Disco iZ lYk ... SOGOOD. my bf n i mAyk oUt to TEiR sOngzZ!!

- 14 year old who actually knows her music, even if she can't spell

Guys who think shes a ho; you da ho.

Guy who knows ho's when he sees their writing style,

Things! Nobody Cares About[edit]

  • Contrary! to popular belief, the band's previous bassist, Brent Brian Chris Dennis Wilson, did not leave the group due to internal conflicts. He was actually killed! by Pete Wentz, who then sold the organs to pay debts owed to the Russian Mafia.
  • Ryan Ross is often in the papers and teen magazines. Claims! of him currently dating are true, with rumors! that the girl's name! could be Bee, Jenneh, Brenda or Steven Segal.
  • Oddly enough, an actual "Panic at the Disco" may also occur! in real life if the aforementioned disco catches! on fire (e.g. the Station nightclub fire). Most music critics agree that the sound of a "Panic! at an Actual Disco" would be more pleasing to the ear than the actual music of Panic! at the Disco; however, someone would still have to close the goddamn door.
  • Due to its popularity! amongst girls, the band has spawned a legion! of imitators. Well-known imitators include Treason! in the Mosque, Ecstasy! At The Rave, Vomit! in the Toilet, Coitus! up Your Butthole, and Coheed! and Cambria.
  • It also spawned 30 biopics, and Book! At The Disco - a book containing all the universe's knowledge. but of course this is all but important to readers who really don't give a flying! fuck about any of this.
  • Panic! are often considered emo, but apart from their daft haircuts, extremely tight clothing, whiney voices, retardedly long song names, self-mutilation, this consideration is unfounded.
  • Each member has a twin (Brendan, Rian, John, and Spenser) who are actually very talented musicians and writers, but since they refused to be complete whiny-ass emos and dress up like clown whores, they toil in obscurity.

The! Purported After-Effects[edit]

After going! to a concert of the band, many people! have reported feelings of shame, the desire to become a Mormon and, in some instances, a mild form of Instant and Bloody Death. The American Dental Association have warned that parents who take their kids! to their concerts grow a craving for gay emo boys. That's right, the parents, not the kids.

There are also unconfirmed rumors! of Mr.T and an emo posse dressed in top hats and ridiculously tight tights attacking anyone who says or thinks Panic! At the Disco without putting a huge amount of emphasis on the word "Panic." The identities! of these emo men are unknown, but most agree that Roger Moore and Hitler! probably have nothing to do with it.

Bottle! at the Concert[edit]

During their opening song at the Carling Weekend: Reading Festival, a terrorist! in the audience, having snuck in from Canada on a giant duck, used a homemade projectile launcher to fire a bottle! at Brendon Urie, killing him. Reportedly, the tears of a thousand fangirls flooded the concert killing all other members of the band. Brendon and the band recovered a few months after the incident, just in time to join in with the surviving audience as they finally finished exclaiming the name of the song they were about to play. About his actions, the man responsible for Urie's death issued the following statement:

"It has become startlingly apparent that we live in a world of perpetual fear when we can't even recognize the difference between terrorism and a public service."

There is also the chance that the bottle came from the elves, who targetted Panic! at the Disco after supposedly insulting them, but Pete! Wentz shortly ignored this theory and said: ''"Elfs!? No. But maybe I can write a song about them." But the song was reported to have been stolen by the elves.

The entire set of events eventually inspired a short novela, which in turn inspired [email protected] to write an irrelevant song with a irrelevant quotation for the long irrelevant title which later was stolen by the elves.

Panic! at the Disco Myth[edit]

Rumor has it that if you cry the name of Panic! at the Disco out loud, you will fall in love with one of the band! members. If you do so, then you will be converted into a homosexual, and spend the rest of your life getting your dick sucked by said band member, and listening to either crappy Beatles wannabe songs or emo-Rock.

Also! Known As[edit]


Panic at the disco


See! Also[edit]

  • Panic! on the Titanic
  • Picnic! At The Table
  • Pigment! At The Sisqo
  • Panic! At San Fransisco
  • Histeria! At The Discothèque
  • Panic! On 9/11(too soon?)