Papa John's

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Papa John's.

Papa Johns is a pizza restaurant franchise owned by Papa John, who is indeed actually a papa to four small children who he affectionately calls Pizza, Pie, Soda, and Cheese stick. Papa John's pizza is notoriously not very pleasant, and despite claims of natural ingredients, 75 percent of any given Papa John's pizza is actually a batch of craftily disguised petroleum solids. Papa John's is credited with the discovery of Pizza in 1975, and paved the way for other pizza establishments to market similar, albeit more palatable products.

Early History[edit]

The first of John's business endeavors: "Poopa John's".

Papa John Schnatter was born at Jeffersonville High school in Jeffersonville, Indiana, where he immediately began making his own food in the school cafeteria to avoid having to consume pureed green beans. He later re-embraced green beans and attempted to market the "Super-Chunk-Green-Wipeout" sandwich at his very first restaurant. The "Super-Chunk-Green-Wipeout", like many of his even more unreasonable concoctions proved an utter failure, but in 1975, his talented and lovely assistant Vanna White stumbled upon several ripe pizzas growing in the outhouse behind their trailer. John leapt at his chance for worldwide fame, and destroyed the original pizza plant to preserve the secret of pizza's molecular construction. His piecemeal recreation soon became the worldwide standard. Vanna and John Schnatter struggled with name for their discovery, first trying "roundcheese" and "flat pie", before arriving at "pizza", short for pizzazz-explosion.

After opening his first restaurant, John also recognized the need for speedy delivery to the homes of those too lazy to go pick up a pizza themselves. After fiddling with an elaborate conveyor belt system that ran parallel to all major highways and suburban cul-de-sacs, he invented the car instead.


This makes me want to buy a pizza too.

No restaurant, not even the inventor of such succulent delights as pizza, can attain chainhood without a healthy scandal, and John became mired in one in 1982. On a cold December night, the compressed body of Vanna White was found in the basement of John's first restaurant: "Jzohn Szchnatter's Pizza Paraize Palaze". Prosecuting attorneys accused Schnatter of becoming possessive of his partner's secret recipes and crushing White with the sheer 500 pound bulk of his pizza-ravaged body. Because of John's hold on American President Ronald Reagan and the entire US Armed forces (notable bubbly cheese addicts), he was able to walk away mostly unscathed. After the trial, Schnatter was pictured on the covers of all major international tabloids, surrounded by hot bikini babes. Obviously, it was easy to gain a foothold after the bikini babes.

John is also an admitted cornography addict, struggling with his lifelong obsession with corn and corn products. When undue and obscene amounts of corn were found in the stuffed crust of one sausage pizza in 1985, John was forced into rehab where he was finally able to admit his problem and dispose of over 3000 cans of corn that he had stockpiled in the trunk of his vehicle.

The Establishment As We Know It[edit]

Due to his kindly nature and well documented care for young ladies from less-financially able backgrounds, Schnatter was elected as president of the Girl Scouts of America. However, instead of upholding the valiant and true ideals of all fun-loving girl scouts, he took the title "Papa" and wielded it with dictatorial ire, forcing all of the Samoa and Tagalong factories to begin producing pizzas and calzones to his precise specifications, enslaving half of the nation's girls under 15. Not even Thin Mints, the worst Girl Scout Cookie, remained unpolluted. After attempts at crossbreeding Italian food and cookies proved dangerous, Papa abandoned his girls entirely and changed the name of every factory to "Papa John's". The factories proliferated until there were 5 million "Papa John's" in North America, one inside every Wal★Mart, and over 200 in Papa John's colon alone.

Papa John's well known slogan, "A penny saved arguably amounts to more pizza in the long run" has been in use since the 1990s. Other slogans and logos have graced the doors of his pizza factories throughout the years, but none are so delightfully elegant as "A penny saved arguably amounts to more pizza in the long run." And as highly scientific evaluation surveys have shown, elegance is what counts in the fast food industry.

According to Wikipedia,

Cquote1.png Papa John's is credited with developing the most advanced dynamic resource control infrastructure in the fast food industry. Sources within the company have stated the centralized network is modeled after NORAD's Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center. Cquote2.png

And since Wikipedia says it, it must invariably be true, it has citations and everything.

Studies have shown that studies show that Papa John's pizza is the most loved pizza in not quite the entire world, but mostly along the Northern coast of California and Portland, where people pretend to like health food but actually enjoy pizzas and other processed foods in the bathroom while their crunchy friends think they are brushing their teeth and also Japan, where all pizzas come with a gallon of mayonnaise. Reports have yet to circulate about the contents of the mayonnaise sauce, as no one on earth likes mayonnaise, leading authorities to believe that addictive contaminants such as corn and/or crack cocaine have been added to the gelatinous spread in a plot by Papa to destroy all helpless Japanese pizza lovers.

Incomplete List of Products[edit]

  • Plain Pizza With Nothing On It
  • Ice Cream Pizza
  • Egg Foo Yung Pizza
  • Flying Fish Pizza
  • Whipped Cream Pizza
  • Carmel Coconut Cream Pizza
  • Guacamole and Salsa-to-Make-It-Hot Pizza (regional)
  • Mayonnaise Hot Dog Pizza (regional)
  • Breadsticks

See Also[edit]