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A parrot disguised as a monkey.

"This parrot is no more!"- John Cleese on his parrot

Parrots are the most awesome, magnificent, beautiful, and intelligent creature ever to hit planet earth. The price of a good parrots can range from a measly $1000 to the Gross National Product. Parrots often respond to pain and will obey you after a good flogging.

Parrots descended from dinosaurs and are pretty pissed off that humans have taken over. They still retain the ability to breathe fire, as did the dinosaurs, but often choose not to. [1]

Parrots first appeared in Europe about 50 million years ago around the time that Judi Dench did. They have always retained a very haughty attitude towards the human species and often treat us like groundlings.

Some feral parrots were seen socializing with the crows and pigeons in several UK cities. Since then bird watchers have reported that these pigeons and crows showed a remarkable improvement in their vocabularies and much better syntax.

Parrots are known to be totally monogamous. There is no such thing as a "cheap" parrot in every sense of that word. They always mate for life. A parrot that loses its mate will only remarry once its kids have gone off to college.


Unlike dogs and cats, parrots do not consist of a single species. Rather, there are a variety of species which are indigenous to particular regions of the world.

  • Macaw: The largest of parrots, but a gentle giant. Prices typically range from US$1,000 to the US National Debt. Able to shit their own weight in bird seed on a daily basis. Macaws are known to be stellar talkers. They say erudite things like "Hello", "Hello?", "Hellloooooo!", "Ouch", "Stop That!" and "Grrarararrrr".
  • Amazon parrot: A creative, playful species. Entertained by games such as "Bounce on the Rope", "Chew the Electric Cord", "Ride the Ceiling Fan", and "Destroy Mommy's Eardrum". As of February 2008 an Amazon parrot is suspected in the death of Heath Ledger.
Lovebirds: Due to the behavior of these parrots, this article is now censored and "protected" by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints.
  • African Grey: Highly intelligent. Invented depression and social anxiety disorders. The goths of the parrot world. Feather plucking and reclusive behavior can be triggered by not enough attention, too much attention, just the right amount of attention, the word "attention", the lack of the word "attention", proper usage of the word "attention", other parrots, no other parrots, parrots when it wants them and not when it doesn't, imaginary parrots, imaginary parrots saying the word "attention", the letters "a," "t," "e," "n," "i" & "o" and kitty hawks.
  • Budgie: See Parakeet. the word budgie means "good to eat" hmmmm
  • Cockatoo (psittavelcro stickalotus): Loves you, loves you, loves you, COME BACK!!!! COME BACK, DON'T LEAVE ME!!! COME-- loves you, loves you, loves you, let me eat your watch, loves you....
  • Cockatiel: Step right up, get your own Cockatoo -- half price, all the bird. 100% real Cockatoo, yessiree, this one here's just a baby, that's why it's so small. Get your own Cockatoo! Why, sure young lady, it will talk just fine! Note: Cockatiels can fire the .22 Conical Ball Cap round. Some cockatiels attempt to fire the .45ACP round, but those birds can't handle that round. cuddly and playful, these birdos make great pets, but don't show them Cheerios, or they will attempt to suck your brain out through your fingers.
  • Parakeet (psittachickus millineumus): Catch-all term for about 1,000 different species of parrots. Attempts to define exactly what a Parakeet is has resulted in brutal fist-fights among taxonomists.
  • Conure: Are rather small, but are capable of regularly producing sounds in excess of 160 Db, the threshold for instant deafness.
  • Parrotlets: These tiny parrots are so small, they have been known to get lost by careless owners. One parrolet was lost for two weeks, until it was discovered eating the insulation in a bedroom wall.
  • Quakers: See Budgie (They look just like them) Very social parrots that get together in large groups and squawk a whole lot, not unlike human Quakers. Don't let this fool you, though, these feathery little bastards are terrorists, wield steel, use guns and deal drugs. A community of 30,000 of them in Brooklyn have recently displaced the Mafia as the biggest local supplier of crack cocaine. Banned from ownership in 48 states because of their tendency to go on noisy drunken rampages and shoot up neighborhoods. The Office of Homeland Security has standing orders to shoot on sight. Thay like to steal cookies
  • Galah: They would rather climb, jump and walk than fly a lot like your mom.
  • The Beenie: (psitta toys r us plushus)parrot is native to Les Peluches, It is a totally quiet bird.
  • Caiques: (psittarainbowus noflightus): lazy little multicolored parrots, They would rather climb, jump and walk than fly. (this is completely untrue) The correct name is mutlicolouress littless bastardess, these feisty little foe's are gaurantee to torment your life, your books your DVD's basically anything the little gets can get hold of, and them some
A parrotfish (Squawcus pollywantsacrackerus), the only species of parrot known to breath and live its entire life in aquatic environments.

Parrot Care[edit]

Some parrots can dress-up and dance!

Parrots are very demanding pets. Parrots generally require their owners to wait on them 24/7. If they want to play at 3am on a Tuesday, the owner will play, otherwise they will have their eyes pecked out.

Parrots generally eat anything, and that includes, fruit, vegetables, beef and poultry, wood, dry-wall, aluminum, precious stones, glass and human flesh.

Parrots require allot of space, generally ranging from an entire room for the smaller species to large mansions for larger species. Even if the owner attempts to restrict the parrot to certain areas by clipping their wings, the parrots will still find a way to slowly take over the entire house. Signs of parrot dominion generally are layers of food and shit all over the place.

It is not uncommon for parrots to outlive their owners and their owner's children, so don't be surprised if your parrot attends your funeral.

in addition to waiting on them hand and foot you will be required to cook for them. Parrot recipes are impossible to follow and always require ingredients that are either impossible to find or that must be imported from far away countries

Many parrots have their very own dish at the family dinner table. Every day at meal time they can be seen tossing their food around the table and at various family members

Parrot Facts[edit]

Parrots are always watching you. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
  • Parrots can live up to several millennia. Julius Ceaser's parrot, a Macaw named Sextus, is still alive and squawks "Et Tu Brute?" for those who visit it at Rome's Biapacro Zoo.
  • Pirates seem to have a particular affinity with parrots, possibly due to a similar reading level.
  • Sporting a parrot on one's shoulder tells other parrots that your parrot has a great taste in owners.
  • Be careful of what you say around parrots, especially if one is going through a divorce. You don't want your parrot to repeat what you said while fucking your mistress in the kitchen while your wife was at work, on the witness stand, now do you?
  • Humans are complete source of nutrition for parrots.
  • Parrots are rumored to actually be the Most advanced Raptors left from the age of dinosaurs, legend has it that to escape the great extinctions, they changed their names (or rather simply rearanged the letters, Clever raptors!) and moved away and got really fruity dye jobs.
  • Unlike most birds, parrots do not have sex with other parrots to reproduce. This is obvious because parrots normally stand on a stick in a cage. The stick is generally humped endlessly, and via the laws of Quantum Mechanics, humping sticks long enough will cause a female's eggs to get fertilied, especially if a male humped the stick not long before.
  • Parrots are the single type of bird that can eat kittens and get away with it (unless its eaten by a grue, shoe, toenail, or Ralph Nader, who secretly like to take innocent kittens and feed them to his political followers if he had any). Yay, parrots!
  • On October 5th, all parrots in the world in a spectacularly well-coordinated effort of comedic timing all pretended to be dead for one full hour in a massive tribute to Monty Python.
  • Some parrots do not talk. If true, that would be nice.
  • Several parrots once held people hostage at the Hollywood sign. A homeless man strangled them all to death.
  • Parrots are the second most evil life form in the known universe.
  • The average parrot is about as intelligent as a four year old child. This explains why parrots shit on everything and throw a fit when they don't get their way.


There is nothing ironic about parrots. A male parrot can be taught to mimick phrases such as "I like other male parrots" but will never have any hope of understanding what it is saying. This is somewhat Ironic.

Parrotlets (psittamini insectus), or "pocket parrots" as they are known, measure about 4 inches and weigh something like 2 grams and yet are aggressive towards other animals and often scare dogs and larger parrots. They are the chihuahuas of the parrot world.

The really gaudy multicoloured parrots have their own class of pigments called psittacin. No other animal has it or wants it for that matter. A parrot coloured dog would have a hard time getting accepted.

Parrots can perceive ultraviolet light. Thus they can see your aura. Parrots know your true colours you cannot fool them

Parrots flirt with themselves in the mirror.

  • Parrots have no penises. This is especially true of the female parrots(except for cockatoos its in the name).

The illegal trade of parrots is almost as profitable as drug trafficking

See also[edit]