Parthenogenesis

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Parthenogenesis is the development of a viable embryo without the use of sex. Thought to have first been invented by Zeus to avoid paying alimony to a Swan he impregnated. This technique is now used by many different types of animals, from Birds to Bees. The discovery of parthenogenesis, rather ironically, is considered to be a validation and blessing to two distinct and opposing groups.

Fundamental Christians have claimed that the existence of parthenogenesis is clear evidence for the possibility of Virgin birth and therefore shows, once and for all, that Mary was not 'Just blaming God for the result of a little extra curricular activity.'

Many Feminists have claimed parthenogenesis to be evidence for the possibility of a male-less society, and the potential to create a female only utopia.

How Parthenogenesis Works[edit]

In pathogenesis an embryo is formed by either, the merging of two female nuclei or the development of an egg containing only one nuclei.

Two women attempting to induce Parthenogenesis.

The first method results in a fully developed and functioning female offspring, which is able to mate with a male, should one become available, and as such it is frowned upon by many leading feminists, who claim that this would be counter-productive in the development of a sustainable feminist society. They instead favour the use of the second possible method, which due to the haploid nature of the offspring would result in them being sexually infertile, but still able to produce more female offspring via parthenogenesis. This would of course completely eliminate any need for male involvement in the reproductive process.

Men are divided as to what to think of this, as though it presents an obvious danger to male involvement in sex, there is one enormous benefit to the technique from a male point of view, the technique, despite not technically needing a partner is made much more effective by the presence of another female engaging in sexual acts.

The Catholic Church has decried this form of parthenogenesis as blasphemous and has even suggested satanic involvement as Man was created in the image of God and so to reject Man is to reject God.

Both men and feminists have accused the Catholic Church of being spoilsports.

A Vatican official has claimed that any young women who value their souls must either find a way to guarantee any child of theirs produced by parthenogenesis is fertile or ensure that they are impregnated in the usual way.

Why Use Parthenogenesis?[edit]

Though feminists claim that there are many rather obvious reasons why it would be a good idea to remove the involvement of males in the reproductive process, the scientific community is not sure about the accuracy of this statement. They claim that most animals practicing parthenogenesis do not have the mental capacity to develop a belief as complex as feminism. This is widely believed to be a good thing.

Scientists instead promote the theory that parthenogenesis is a method to help the survival and spread of a species beyond its usual habitat.

For example, should a female whip-tail lizard find itself lost, and unable to read a map, it could end up isolated, in the middle of nowhere. Should a normal lizard find itself in such a situation it would die alone without children and worse, no one to Bitch to. However a whip-tail lizard is capable of parthenogenesis and therefore can quickly establish a whole new colony, who as well as fulfilling the role of children, would all be female, and therefore sympathetic with the constant need to nag.


Parthenogenesis and the Supernatural[edit]

A little known fact about Genetics is that it is not just what our DNA says that matters, but also where it comes from, rather like British Politics. This is known as epigenetics, what this means is that some genes, which though obtainable from the mother, will only work if they come from the father, and vica versa. This means that children of parthenogenesis often have birth defects, or mutations. These mutations can result in both spectacular and tragic consequences, ranging from the development of super powers to infertility.

"To be perfectly honest, we're just glad he didn't take up ballet" --- Martha and Jonathan Kent.

Jesus[edit]

As we all know, Jesus was the result of a virgin birth, until now scientists did not know how this was possible, but the discovery of parthenogenesis has not only revealed the way God impregnated Mary but also how he was able to give Jesus his superhuman powers, through epigenetic mutation. Resulting in what is widely considered the best party trick of all time, turning water into wine, his famed food replication talents and his legendary ability to heal lepers.

Superman[edit]

Though his parents claimed that Clark Kent was actually an alien baby that crashed into their garden, it can now be revealed that Superman was actually the product of Martha Kent's lesbian affair and subsequent parthenogenesis. The lack of a father in this case clearly had an equally severe, but less benefical effect on Clark when compared to Jesus. Resulting in multiple supernatural powers, such as Laser Cannons for eyes and the ability to fly. However Clark also developed an unnatural love of wearing Lycra and spandex, much to the dismay of Jonathan and Martha Kent.

Infertile Girl[edit]

Though technically not in possession of a 'real' superpower Infertile Girl has, through the power of parthenogenesis, the ability to have sex whenever and wherever she desires without needing to use protection in order to avoid STDs.