“Pasketmaul… The noble sport of kings and hobos.”
Pasketmaul [Pash-ket-maul], (IPA: [/pɑskɛtmʊɹl/]) n.
Pasketmaul is thought to be the forerunner to what is known today as Elephant Polo. Invented many centuries ago in the Kashmir region, Pasketmaul is a sport like no other - unrivalled in spectacle, nobility, complexity and beautiful simplicity. Today, modern Pasketmaul is governed by the International Pasketmaul Board (IPB), of which his holiness, The Maharaji is the Chairman.
Today, Pasketmaul remains a phenomenon in its homeland of South Asia, and is the national sport of all the -Stan countries and Pokemon Island. The IPB have also made several attempts to expand the Pasketmaul fanbase, most notably with an attempt to introduce the sport to the United States which was largely unsuccessful.
Rules of Play
Pasketmaul is played with people standing atop elephants (known as Maulphants), and is played on a large dirt pitch shaped like an hourglass. Each team has five maulphants, and six reserves in case of highly probable maulphant injuries. A goal is attached to the back of each maulphant. Pasketmaul is played with one black rubber ball, which is slightly larger than a basketball. The ball is transported using large nets, held by the players on the back of the maulphants. In the sport's formative years, bamboo was used in the construction of these nets, but recently, the IPB has approved the use of carbon fibre. The size of these nets is often dictated by the player's position. The aim of the game is to throw the ball through the goals of opposing maulphants (each is worth one kachmaer (point)) and to have more points than your opponent team by the conclusion of the game. Each game is exactly 57 and three quarter minutes in length, but a 17 minute extra time period is played if the scores are deadlocked at full time.
There are three positions in Pasketmaul:
- Shooter - Each team has two shooters, and their aim is to score the goals.
- Passer - Each team has two passers, and their aim is to provide the ball for the shooters.
- Defender - Each team has a single defender, and is his duty to defend the goals of his team mates. Often a violent and highly dangerous position.
- Tysoning - Biting the elephants ear to achieve greater velocities.
- Impaling - Impaling the ball with the netless end of your quarkjaer (pole)
- Dry Snatching - Hitting the ball from the net of your team mate
- Regular Snatching - Hitting the ball from the net of the opposition
- Reverse Trawling - Standing facing the back of your elephant
Official Pasketmaul Loyalty Song (OPLS)
To make a match officially valid, the OPLS is sung before and after it. It is rumoured that there are other verses in this historical song, but only the chorus has been uncovered. It is sung to the tune of Pasketmaul.
- Pasketmaul, Pasketmaul, what would we do without you?
- In times of boredom, trouble and toil, we see it through and through!
- Pasketmaul, Pasketmaul, long live for times to come,
- Nothing can replace you, I salute thee for hours of fun!
- IPB World Series - Pasketmaul franchses from around the world do battle in this year long circuit, in which tournaments are played fortnightly. Includes tournaments at Yugumbigysenadori International Stadium (Pasketmaul's ancestral home) and Hidden Valley. The team with the most kachmaer points at the end of the circuit wins 1000 achtung points, which increases the team's ranking on the IPB World Rankings.
- Krastokrantafs (World Cup) - The highest form of Pasketmauling, held once every five years in an IPB-approved country. Only the winners of the IPB World Series in the five years prior to the Krastokrantafs may compete in these.
Pasketmaul Terminology (slang)
If one wishes to become a traditional Pasketmauler, one must know the correct slang terms commonly used within the Pasketmaul community. A mixture of traditional language, and transliterated words.
- Kachmaer A single point.
- Achtung Deluxe points that only winners of the IPB World Series can receive.
- Tysoning Biting the maulphant's ear to achieve greater velocities.
- Impaling Hitting the ball with the netless end of your quarkjaer.
- Quarkjaer Pole with a net on the end, used in Pasketmaul.
- Snatching (Regular AND Dry) Hitting ball from net of another player.
- Reverse Trawling Standing facing the back of your Maulphant.
- Krastokrantafs Premier Tournament of Pasketmaul.
- Yugumbigysenadori Ancestral home of Pasketmaul, location of the famous stadium.
- Ginjibaranak A revenge killing often against winning teams, because of this many players have hired bodyguards named Billy-Bob
- Ganuushbana The consumption of the opposing team in revenge to a death of one or more team members. (see cannibalism)
- U The shortest name for the most important piece of terminology this word literally means 'pigeon cat'
- Verkashfardum Another important phrase this time meaning 'The light of the sun shines brightly today, agreeth you not'
- Fasofaso The Pasketmaul term for making your elephant drift.
- Hiraak Pasketmaul slang for a pirate
- Hootymaloo A foreign 'dog' that plays Pasketmaul
- Pasketmaul A sport played atop elephants
- Ball The name used to desribe the spherical object used in Pasketmaul
- The Bearer of the White Lotus The word used to describe the purveyor of refreshments at Pasketmaul games
- Kinda Purpley, Greeny Gold Slang for EGH (Elephant Growth Hormone)
- Hijad The Pasketmaul holy war.
Pasketmaul, noble sport of Kings and Hobos, has since its formative years given the opportunity for people and their maulphants alike to come together and form teams. Though some teams are more notable than others, the world of Pasketmaul is ever-expanding.
Pasketmaul, like all renowned sports of nobility, has many stadia, many of which are iconic. The most famous Pasketmaul stadium is the pictured Yugumbigysenadori International Stadium.
While a large majority of fame has been attracted to the professional teams in Pasketmaul, there are also famous 'single players' that everyone knows about, such as Al Gore in the world of Internet-inventing.
The King of Idiots - An illustrious character, however, when he appears, everyone shudders in awe.
Bob Dole - Bob Dole claims to have invented Pasketmaul, so is very good at the sport.
The Maharaji - He is the current head of the International Pasketmaul Board, he often appears on TV to preach the peace after violent Pasketmaul matches. He is 59 years old and has a fetish for ricers.
Customs of The Game
Many animal rights activists have condemned the IPB for its prematch custom where a virgin elephant is killed to get the crowd excited.
When a match is hosted by the Yugumbigysenadori International Stadium, the international home of Pasketmaul, the local school disembowels its young trouble makers to signify the start of the game.
Principal Sallisac defended his methods of execution in a speech. "When we execute these young boys and girls , we are sending a clear message to the students, you must complete your homework!" The Children's foundation has since then condemned the IPB and local school, and would like to send them to one of their 'cleansing people'. Bad behaviour is at an all time low resulting in an outcry from loyal supporters of Pasketmaul, "We want more fouls, less bowels!" exclaimed one fan.
- A while back the IPB applied to have Pasketmaul an official sport of England. It was accepted but then The Royal Scum of The Queen declined it saying it was not posh enough. From this day forth Pasketmaul has not been played in England.
- Slayer once played a live rendition of the "Official Pasketmaul Loyalty Song", at the pre-match entertainment at a World Championship Game at the Yugumbigysenadori International Stadium. However, after severe disapproval from the crowd, the IPB decided that this was not the way to increase the game's appeal, so therefore returned to the traditional custom of killing a virgin elephant. The crowd rejoiced and Slayer travelled to Chile using Courtesy maulphants donated by the IPB as a consolation gift. The maulphants were of the irritable variety. The rest is history.
- The largest attendance ever at a Pasketmaul match was 274,545 spectators. This was held in the infield of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, the world's highest-capacity motor racing venue. This particular match was an exhibition game between the Tamil Tiger Team and the Lotus Blossoms, showcasing the noble game to the American Audience, hoping to attract worldwide television coverage, thus endowing the IPB with huge sums of money to build a massive global headquarters directly next to the Taj Mahal, thus permanently eclipsing it. However, the plan never eventuated, due to the exhibition match turning into a total non-event, thanks to neither team's willingness to score a goal. Players from the Lotus Blossoms stated they didn't want to be remembered as "Pasketmaul Sell-Outs" by their legions of loyal fans back in the homeland, despite the fact that they no longer have any loyal fans anyway, thanks to the infamous drug incident of the 1992 World Championships.
- Consequently, the smallest attendance ever at a match was one thing, a dog by the name of Scruffy.
- In one game on the 6th of June, 1666 A.D., an entire game of Pasketmaul ended in the death of all involved (apart from the spectators, totaling 27,651). All the elephants collided and the players were swept off them when they all went for the ball as it came down from the cold recesses of space. A fan later took the ball away from the pile of carcasses, and that very ball has become the icon of Pasketmaul's Sabbath Day, a day of mourning within the Pasketmaul community, mourned every year on the 6th of June. It is interesting to note that the very next day, it is traditional to have a Pasketmaul game at the Yugumbigysenadori International Stadium with fifteen elephants per team on a normal arena, thus increasing the danger and fan interest.
- Michael Jackson occasionally has the odd game of Pasketmaul at Neverland, forcing reluctant young men upon the elephants.
- The longest serving Pasketmauler is Osama Bin Laden, with 584 test caps for the Al Qaeda team.
- The Yogivistivichaiitch Maulers won the highest scoring game of all Pasketmaul history. They scored an amazing 2564 points against the Lotus Blossoms during the Afghanistan Eastern States Championships of 1984. The record remains unbroken.
- New Zealand's Prime-Minister Helen Clark is occasionally a reserve shooter for the World Champion Angry Storks.
- The Lotus Blossoms are the most successful Pasketmaul team in history, winning 96,525 of their games (87%). The Tamil Tigers and Angry Storks follow with total victories in the 40-80,000 game bracket, or a 66% success rate.
- A large riot followed the most controversial game of Pasketmaul at the 1994 American Tour, as the team Gay Pride decided to show off their homosexuality during the game. Since the stadium was in the middle of Kansas, people took out their shot-guns and revolvers and shot half of the team. The riot continued and so did the game. It ended with The Dukes Of Pasketmaul winning 120 to 7.
- As the Tour continued, the game went to the birth of Pasketmaul in the USA....Compton, Los Angeles. As the team Ku Klux Maul or KKM entered the stadium, the mostly black crowd wanted to demonstrate a friendly "DRIVE-BY SHOOTING" to the team. This caused further riots during the American Tour.
- After the American Tour, the countless amounts of riots changed the American Pasketmaul scene forever. It just wasn't the same.
Know Your Maulphant!
Pasketmaul, being a globally-renowned game of deluxe callibre, demands great physical abilities from not the just the players themselves, but the elephants too. Pasketmaul elephants (commonly abbreviated as Maulphants, and shall hereby be known from this article as such) come in many different varieties, species and models, but the following Maulphants are the ones that the IPB fully approve of:
- Model X-5237' - The most futuristic in terms of physical features, the X-5237 boasts an all-body titanium coating, a full dining experience for the player, and an artificial robotic trunk that acts a signal for those sneak Maulphants that may be coming up from one's rear. Exclusively rare; only the rich Pasketmaulers own these, and even still, there is a 17 year waiting list as only one X-5237 is released every two years. If one of these is purchased, the buyer is also given a pair of shoes made by the pope's cobbler.
- Datty Galishnakov 240 - Used mostly by eastern countries such as the Al Quaeda Factory, The Yogivistivichaiitch Maulers and other countries such as Iraq, Iran, Vietnam and Pakistan. It is fairly reasonable on control, the endurance of this model is second only to the Model X-5237 but its acceleration is something to be questioned.
- Ol' Kixcov - These are your average, run-of-the-mill Maulphant. Nothing special about them; though it is found that yanking their tails causes for small boost during gameplay.
- Revenge - Thought to be the most unusual of all Maulphants, these demand extreme steering abilities from the player as they tend to drift during a turn. Revenge also become distracted from the game, but after a solid six minutes they will eventually keep their minds focused.
- Black Ghost - A Maulphant that was banned by the IPB, it was created genetically by the North Koreans for the All American Maul Team. It exceeds the performance of the X-5237 and can last a full 42 hours of fast gameplay. But because of problems during the creation of the Black Ghost, its head grew excess skin that enveloped its head in the form of the Grim Reaper's hood and the colour was pure jet black, hence the name BLACK GHOST.
- Chaos Reign - The King of Idiot's maulphant of choice. He was breeded when two female maulphants simultaniously turned into hermaphrodites, impregnated one-another, and fused into one creature. He appears to be a typical maulphant, with the exception of his tie-die skin, but this maulphant has amazing agility and intelligence. His best aspect is his speed, outmanuevering all the other maulphants, although most of them are too busy fearing the King of Idiots. His endurance is merely above-average.
|The World of Pasketmaul|
|Pasketmaul | HowTo:Play Pasketmaul | Pasketmheel|