“Yet another stupid Irish cunt. Wait, I am Irish.”
“Definitely the second coming of Frank Carson - if I were dead. Well, let's face it, my career is.”
“He's had us both”
Patrick Deirdre Kielty, born (31 January 1971), is an international terrorist and a part-time television presenter. Born in Dundrum, County Down's Syndrome, Northern Ireland, Kielty was raised a Roman Catholic, before receiving a calling from Pope Jean Paul II to join the IRA.
Kielty was involved with the IRA from an early age, learning to fire a AR-15 and plant semtex before the age of five. His father, Jack Kielty, was murdered by Ulster loyalists, which would later prove decisive in his decision to join the republican paramilitary forces. In 1985, after a meeting Pope Jean Paul II, Kielty officially joined the IRA. However, having been deemed too mentally retarded to join the PIRA proper, he was moved to the "Spastics Brigade". Kielty was reportedly involved in a firefight at the age of 15, where he chucked tomatoes at Loyalist paramilitary, his first taste of action in a career that would claim the lives of over thirty civilians and ten servicemen and a severly handicapped hamster.
In 1987, Kielty was responsible for the bombing of a Belfast newsagents, allegedly for refusing to sell him a copy of The Sun newspaper, resulting in the deaths of two people. This was followed by another three bombings in two years, killing eleven people, two dogs, one rat and an unknown number of flies. Kielty remained inactive for the next four years, until he returned in 1991 to kill Anne Robinson. Unfortunately, he failed to succeed in this plot, leaving that withered old hag to remain on television until the present. In 1995, Kielty shot down a hot-air balloon carrying seventeen people (an especially large hot-air balloon), the majority of passengers being an OAP's day-out, once again proving the courage and daring shown by the Spastics Brigade of the IRA in it's "military" operations.
As a mercenary
In 1998, the PIRA had decided that there was no use for its Spastics Brigade following the Good Friday agreement. Thus, after thirteen years of service, Kielty was discharged. His next career move was to offer himself as a "window-licking terrorist for hire", which enabled him to affiliate himself with near-enough every terrorist organisation in the world on his CV, despite evidence explaining that he really spent three years in a flat in Walsall, contemplating taking his life.
Throughout Kielty's "career", he would often perform stand-up comedy in various clubs in Belfast. Kielty often cited some of his murders as amusing anecdotes, and impersonating mourning family members of those he had murdered in the past, in some vague hope that he would gain recognition for something other than being a useless fuckwit most of his life. Unsurprisingly, his routines bombed onstage, and often in an act of revenge, he would bomb the stage, thus causing other acts to literally "die on stage". However, Kielty was too dense to notice the irony at the time, instead opting to stand infront of a mirror topless, practice his jokes and occasionally break down crying. Regardless, Belfast remains the humourless shithole it has always been.
When he's not blowing people up, Kielty is being a stupid ponce on programmes like Fame Academy. However he manages to frig this up as well as he accidently headbutted the winner in the year 2003 when he sneezed due to the toxic fumes from cat deely's perfume , showing that his life was a complete and utter waste of time by all accounts.
Kielty is still at large. He was last seen scrounging for pennies and pawing at Stephen Fry's crotch in the BBC Television Centre in December 2007.