“He still owes me 50 Pounds”
“I fuck dogs in the park”
Paul McDermott is an Australian singer, metrosexual, comedian and egotist, best known as the host of Good News Week (a blatant ripoff of the much more British show Have I Got News For You) and the lead singer of The Doug Anthony All Stars. He is also known for not having written a joke on his own since 1993.
Paul was born in Adelaide in 1962 but his parents made the incredibly dull but safe decision to move to Canberra, because nothing bad ever happens to you in Canberra. This is largely because nothing ever happens in Canberra at all. In fact, it took Paul’s family a whole year to reach their new place of residence as they got stuck in a roundabout on the way.
Paul graduated as dux from his school, a title bestowed on him after his high-pitched rendition of Throw Your Arms Around Me at an assembly broke every window within a 20 mile radius. Paul promised to never perform the song again, but unfortunately, it was a promise he was unable to keep.
The Prison Years and Instant Fame
After being arrested for the abduction of several young and impressionable canvasses from their owner, Paul spent 4 years in prison. It was there he wrote the much-acclaimed Sodomy for Dummies and Other Pensioner’s Bedtime Stories. This won him many awards and gained him the nickname “Doctor X” due to many factors including his obvious obsession with the letter X, his almost completion of medical school and an hilarious anecdote from the novel involving a goat and its entrails. Some Liberals and goat farmers also affectionately called him “Hitler”. When released from prison, Paul was so famous that he couldn’t even buy lemons without being mobbed by fans, paparazzi and goats. This prompted him to spend all of his profits and royalties on plastic surgery forever altering his face. Unfortunately the plastic surgeon made a terrible mistake, and instead of tweaking Paul’s features to resemble David Bowie like Paul had requested he made the poor sod so unimaginably cute that inescapable stardom in the near future was inevitable.
After spending all his money on the botched plastic surgery, Paul started busking with the two people he hated most on Earth, Tim Ferguson and Richard Fidler. Unfortunately, Tim was so tall that Ted Robinson, Ancient Greek God of Australian Television, gave the three a job on The Bad Gag in order to display Tim as a freak of nature. Because of the height difference in the group, Paul has since then always been referred to as short. Although the audience were wowed by Tim’s gorgeousness and enormously tall frame, Ted knew it wouldn’t be long before they got over it and became a mindless, angry mob from lack of entertainment. Luckily, it turned out Tim, Paul and Rich could sing, so then they had to come up with a name. They chose Diana’s Average Anal Stimulators or DAAS for short. Their most famous piece was an amazing, entirely silent cover of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Other hits included I Heard It through the Grapevine, Throw Your Arms around Me and I Fuck Dogs.
Paul spent the whole of 1992 in space with Tim and Rich working out their Tai Chi weightless Opera, Hi He Hung Tchi meaning “Hey, That’s My Toilet Seat” in an ancient Chinese dialect now lost to mankind. This was not a very interesting period in Paul’s life, as most of the world assumed he was dead, but they were actually mistaking him for Paul McCartney.
Good News Week
When DAAS broke up in 1994, Paul spent a year roaming the streets, begging with song. It was during this time that he lost his left foot to frostbite during a very long, cold winter. Not many people know this, but his prosthetic is actually robotic and made from old Dr Pepper cans.
Happily, in 1996, Paul took the role as host on the breakthrough program, Good News Week. Literally took it. It was actually offered to Tim Ferguson, but he forgot his toothbrush on the way to the studio and Paul slipped in, took the job and even Tim’s suit (of course the trousers had to be taken up). Three guesses who took the toothbrush!
For the next five years Paul hosted the show with Mikey Robbins and Julie McCrossin. It was here that he developed his singing even further. By the end of the run, GNW shows consisted of nothing but Paul singing so audiences got bored and it was cancelled. However during those five unforgettable years, the biggest scandal of Paul’s life occurred. His widely publicised affairs with both Marcia Hines and Mark Trevorrow almost threatened to end his career, however, much to everyone’s surprise, this little exhibition actually added to his popularity. He was much more publicly criticised for his relationship with the extra-terrestrial, Flacco. Their long term relationship extended to 2007 until Flacco was axed.
In the year 2000 Paul was kicked out of Network Ten with the “Boot”. His suit was even taken from him and given to his ungrateful successor as the face of Ten, Rove McManus, even though, in doing so, they needed the tailor to take it in again.
The In-Between Years
During those dark years when Good News Week was off the air, Paul engaged in questionable practices such as hosting a variety show that only featured dancing and public beheadings. But his biggest embarrassment to date was when he described his new band as “bigger than Jesus” (history repeating itself?). At least that’s what the general idea was when he said that they were “God”. Or so the Americans thought, and many of them being redneck, gun-toting Christians (as some non-Politically correct individuals would say), they blew the whole thing out of proportion. Paul maintains that he said they were Gud, but would they listen? It was in a failed assassination attempt during their US tour that Paul lost his other foot to an infected gunshot wound. Now he has two robotic feet, making his walking-on-hot-coals trick much less impressive. After The Best Show In The World, another of Ted Robinson’s creations, was cancelled in 2007, Paul was offered the role of host on Good News Week another time around.
Good News Week again?
This fantastical decision in 2008 by Channel Whatsitcalled marked the beginning of a new era.
Paul, cancer and religion
Paul never smoked and therefore never got cancer. However, he had a horrible habit of sticking an unlit cigarette in his mouth for absolutely no reason, as depicted in this photograph.
Paul is also a very outspoken advocate of the Jedi Church. This photo shows him parading the traditional dress of his religion. One of Paul's most memorable speeches on Jediism told of the day he learnt who his real father was. Elvis Costello hadn't called, he hadn't written, ever. But one day he arrived on the doorstep of Paul's bungalow to deliver the inspiring news. Paul remembers this as the best and worst day of his life. He celebrated by not smoking a cigarette.