Paul von Hindenburg
- This article is about Paul Hindenburg, the German president and zeppelin. For the German president and zeppelin, see Paul Hindemith.
Paul Ludwig Hans Anton Karlheinz Wolfgang Nigel Ralph von Beneckenäckenzeckenhöckendorff und von Hindenburg was president of Germany from 1847 to 1934, when the senile old geezer gave the Chancellorship to Adolf Hitler as "a birthday present" and then died.
The name Hindenburg, by which he is almost universally known today, was actually a demeaning name given to him by his opponents, who started referring to him by the name of a horrible air disaster. His true name was Paul von Panamflight103.
Paul von Hindenburg: The Fastest German President
Paul von Hindenburg is the fastest known German President alive today, and quite possibly the fastest German of all time. His top speed on foot is said to have been around 450 meters a second, his great speed is attributed to the fact that he is not entirely human and is in fact part Zeppelin.
Zeppelins are usually slow, but Hindenburg on the other hand had rocket boosters fuel by burning children (the most efficient fuel in existence). This obviously prevents the spontaneous combustion of himself if he were to use hydrogen as fuel. Children can be very hyperactive, and have been known to spontaneously combust - but never in the company of Hindenburg. If a child was to spontaneously combust in his presence, he would do two things:
- He would instantly absorb the energy from the child
- He would then catch the remaining "spirit" of the child and burn that too, leaving no surviving parts.
Hindenburg is good friends with Ludendorff and they often both go break dancing together. His date of birth is unsure as records of sightings of him go back to before recorded history, cave painting have shown a burning zeppelin killing what can only be described as Hats with legs. Scientists are baffled.
Fastest German War Hero
Hindenburg was a leading general for the Germans in World War I and would have won them the war, around 1914 he ran out of fuel after the Battle of Tannenberg and could not be refuelled before late 1917. As a result, the Germans lost the war. When Kaiser Wilhelm II abdicated in 1918, Hindenburg sulked for five years and refused to talk to anybody. He got better only after Ludendorff bought him an ice cream cone.
Fastest German Transatlantic Businessman
After the war, Hindenburg went into the booming aviation business and achieved fame by carrying thousands of passangers over the Atlantic Ocean. Hindenburg was said to be the most elegant way to travel through the skies. Hindenburg's aviation business suffered a considerable setback when he combusted spontaneously in Lakehurst, US in 1937. It has been speculated that the spike of his Prussian war helmet penetrated the hydrogen containers, after which the static electricity stationed in his moustaches set the entire fatso aflame. A total of 36 people, passangers and crew alike, perished in the disaster. No link to al-Qaeda has been found after nearly 70 years of investigation.
As for the Second World War he was president before Hitler but was said to have died, this was merely a ruse to fool his enemies into thinking he was dead. A returned some years later with the Hindenburg comeback tour but he killed the entire audience built a sculpture of himself out of the bones of the dead. Critics loved it, but were killed anyway to add to the sculpture. He then had a hat too.