Pawn shop

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Once you go in, they pwn your soul

The Pawnshop is a magnificent place full of wonder and rainbows and candy in which people can go to "earn" money for items:

  • You may have "lost."
  • You may have "misplaced."
  • Or have been "borrowed" from you "without permission."

Inside the Pawn shop[edit]

He will eat your soul

Deep within the bowels of the dreaded and feared Pawn shop, you will find a great quantity of Pawns. These Pawns use random items to build and expand their budding underground civilizations, and so they offer money (a byproduct of the Pawns' reproductive cycle) to anyone willing to trade in cheap electronics, etc.

A constant influx of random paraphernalia is vital to these Pawn's survival, as the Pawn race is constantly in fear of the dreaded chess player. These horrific beasts of man have been known to annihilate entire Pawn civilisations with but a blink of their eye.

The rise of the Pawn civilisations has been delayed somewhat by the creation of Deep Blue in 1997 by IBM . Due to the potential loss of their own emerging power base created by a surfeit of cheap electronic goods flooding the market IBM created the Deep Blue computer as a method of curtailing the rise of the great Pawn kingdoms, however disguised their efforts by substituting the personage of Gary Kasparov in their public affairs. Gary Kasparov, a long time opponent of the Pawns for many years, was happy to sacrifice his reputation to remove some of his most hated enemies.


Contrary to popular belief, the management system of most American and South Korean Pawn shops is controlled primarily by a magical entity known only as 1001001. In his ancient and 7-bit mind, he views himself with an extraordinary level of superiority, which gives rise to his megalomania. He has attempted at times in the past to expand his petrographical power base and spread to the remainder of the world, however in his gynospiritual life he has found that the avoidance of barrels tossed at him by a large ape has dominated his time space continuum.

In Soviet Soviet Russia, the Pawnshops steal YOU!

In mainland Europe the Pawnshops are under the control of the Mafia, and have recently found their head of power moving to a new incumbent, known locally as "il Papa". Gradually forced to give up secular power, il Papa has come to focus again almost exclusively on spiritual matters. Over the centuries, il Papa's claims of spiritual authority have been ever more clearly expressed since the first centuries, culminating in the proclamation of the dogma of Mafioso infallibility for those rare occasions il Papa speaks ex cathedra (literally "from the chair (of Peter)") when issuing a solemn definition of faith or morals. The last such occasion was in the year 1950 with the definition of the dogma of the Assumption of Mary. (It is still unclear what we are assuming of Mary, but further definition can be found in the lyrics of Run DMC.)

In Greater Britain (consisting of England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Denmark, Cuba and Tahiti) the battle for supremacy over the Pawn shops continues, as there has been no clear succession to the English Pawned Throne since 1066. At this stage the greatest contender for this role is Gene "Genie" Hunt. If you don't sell him your mother's wedding ring his going to come over your house and stamp on all your toys, got it?

In the Antipodes pawn shops are run by Crazy Jeff, who earned his moniker due to his habit of stating that he was crazy to have prices so low. Contrary to what he has stated in the past though, his prices not only can last but the tend to last well beyond the point of sanity. Crazy Jeff is one of the few people in the world who will sell an XT PC at NZ$2,000.

Social Ramifications of Pawn[edit]

Living on bread alone.

Despite the views of some of the more right wing thinkers in this and indeed in every alternate universe, Pawn is a major part of our culture and without Pawn many of us would not be here today. Pawn is a major part of coming of age ceremonies and pre-nuptial ceremonies. The Pawn industry is vital to the western economy, and is evidence that man cannot live on bread alone.

It is theorised that if the spread of Pawn were top continue at it's current rate, then by the year 2015 the entirety of the earth would be covered by Pawn shops. This will make it extremely difficult to drive anywhere.