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“I had one of those as a child, until it started to beep constantly”
~ Oscar Wilde

Crowd of children with fully armed and dangerous pedometers

A pedometer is a small alarm device that alerts of the presence and power level of pædophiles ("proper" U.S. spelling: pedofiles). Disguised as monitoring devices that count your steps, these become active and emit a sonorous, ear-splitting alarm that deafens both the wearer and the would-be stalker, thus eliminating the danger. Economical pedometers simply sound an alarm, while more top-of-the-line devices come with running shoes and connect to your iPod for an enhanced running escape, i.e. Nike+iPod. Commonly worn by children, these devices have also become popular with the athletic community because of the secondary feature of measuring steps.


The need to guard off pædophiles did not become apparent until after the fall of Rome. Before then, pederasty (along with making child soldiers perform near-impossible rites of passage) was viewed as the ultimate way to "man up" and toughen young hoodlums, lest the entire civilization turn into a hodgepodge of nerds, geeks, and manga-lovin', hello kitty-huggin' otaki. After the fall of Rome, not much progress was made until 1856, when Nikola Tesla made an ion gun capable of zapping people to smithereens using the Earth's electromagnetic field. He proposed to build two sizes: regular size for military use, and kiddie version for children against pædophiles. Unfortunately, only one prototype was made, and the CDC never approved of its mass-production, citing that during testing, one of the judges was "disinte-grated" by the gun. In 1957, the CIA, discreetly revealed that the judge was a pedophile and that the gun had an extra-hidden feature of discerning who is a pedophile. This was never revealed to the open public, fearing that the communists, would somehow, somewhere, somewhen, and somewhy use it against America and it's citizens

The development of the modern pedometer was spearheaded by Louis Pasteur, inventor of milk. In 1902, he independently developed a portable device that would chemically sample the air for pheromones and alert the wearer of their presence. He originally developed this device for virgins who were unaware of drop-dead beautiful women flirting and attempting to get them on a date. Years later, still rolling on the dough from the milk sales, he developed the device for children, alerting them of the presence of pædophiles. This would later become an entire science on its own, namely Pedometry.

How it Works[edit]

Children and pædophile before the invention of the pedometer...

While Tesla's device was electrical, Pasteur recognized that the best method to follow was chemical (plus, being French, he could not allow a country-boy from Wheretheheckistan take all the credit). 93.1% of all pedophiles emit a specific, tell-tale chemical component. The concentration increases exponentially as one gets closer to one. The pedometer picks up on the signal and alerts according to the strength of the composition. During the R&D stage of development, several famous pedophiles were selected for screening and testing, including Michael Jackson, Rosie O'Donnell, and several religious cult leaders. Pedobear had not been coughed up yet when the research was in progress. As a result, it, along with some of his henchmen, contribute to the other 6.9% of pedophiles that go undetected by the pedometer.

Before distribution into the market, Professor Frink mentioned to the rest of the development team that if the device was blatantly sold as a deterrent against pædophiles, the pædophiles would make efforts against detection, rendering the pedometer useless. He proposed selling it as a device that would do some inane, nearly useless task, such as telling the time out loud every second, or measuring steps, whilst disguising its fundamental purpose. At first, the rest of the development team ignored him since almost always he would ceaselessly spout ignorant information that was not even relevant. But after a few days, the step measuring mechanism was added and the product was sold as such. In the end, everyone was happy and lived happily ever after...


Well, no, not everyone was happy, or even lived ever after. While most people approve of pedometer use, some influential black sheep vehemently disapprove of it. During the recent anti-union spring (similar to the Arab Spring), several representatives in several states slipped rider bills prohibiting pedometer use in the 50,000+ page bills against union workers and their wives, sons, granddaughters, third cousins, beer-mates, strangers, &c, &c, &c. CBS's Katie Couric interviewed several politicians about the reason for such secrecy. Michele Bachmann revealed that, while she is concerned about children's safety, she is also concerned about violating (pun intended) the pædophile's constitutional right to sexual deviations. She told Katie: "And what a bizarre time we're in, (...) you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it."

See Also[edit]