“Oh, I've been to Penisland. Many, many, times.”
“DId you Google this because your body told you to?”
Pen Island is the magical island of glorious writing utensils near the southeastern coast of Africa. Many skinny, smooth, ink- filled appendages fill this beautiful oasis of love. It is a mysterious and wonderful place that, like Atlantis, is believed to exist somewhere off the southern part of the western coast of a well known landmass. Well known. Though no mere commoners have been blessed with the pleasure of viewing its inky waters by its golden and perhaps milky-white shores, Nostradumbass predicted that the truth would someday be "unleashed" upon the world. Of course, any idiot could have easily predicted this. He just lived far enough in the past to predict such irrelevances first, and luckily, nobody cares. Since no commoner has ever seen Pen Island, no one knows where Pen Island is. However, it is believed to be located in the Philippenis. On Penisland, you can find Milos Cubra, the Owner of this spectacular island, he has the biggest pen on the island.
Pen Island was originally discovered by Charles Dickens, who proposed the island to be named Dickpen Island. Because Charles Dickens died of AIDS on the island in 1870, he never got the chance to found the island. Pen Island was later founded by its queen, Nicky Forbes, and Nicky's consort, Dave Maclennan, who is under the illusion that his uncle invented Skitters (innuendo?) and discovered by an exploration team in late 1972. Its location remained known in only the short span of time that those involved lived. The information of its location remained undisclosed near Hilton and that mental home he's in, but it may be one of the several islands used for Cum bomb testing by the Nicky-industries. This nuclear energy could be what caused the excessive readiness of the pens to "ejaculate" all their FUCKING CUM.
Despite the uncertainty of its location, a small cult of followers known as "The Ones Of The Cummings" has evolved over the past several years. They are reachable at the website www.penisland.com.
The last known attempt to contact "The Way" was made by Nicky. He soon came into the possession of powerful information which ROCKED THE FOUNDATIONS OF OUR VERY SOCIETY!! Or at least it would have, but on the night directly after the day he solved the riddle of life and returned the Jade Monkey to the Temple of the Sun (just in time for the full moon, too), he was involved in a freak accident involving large amounts of liquor, an escaped chimpanzee, and a glock handgun with the registry number scratched off. These occurrences have never been completely explained. Except that one time that they were explained. Ah, good times...
Annual Sausage Fest
Each year, the people of Pen Island host a Pen Island Sausage Fest. This tradition was started when Charles Dickens ate a sausage on the island. In the Pen Island Sausage Fest, there are competitions including:
- Who can make the biggest sausage
- Sausage-eating contests
- Who can shove a sausage down their throat the farthest before they vomit
- Whose sausage tastes the best
Thousands of tourists every year visit Pen Island's Sausage Fest either to participate themselves, or to have fun seeing their sausages choked on by hungry competitors.
The geography of pen island is not well known, as the island is protected by an elaborate government conspiracy. Still, there are the sketchy testimonials of those who knew people who claimed to have seen the island. Or maybe just dreamed it. Wet dreamed, of course, due to the arousing nature of the mysteries of the island. (The shape of this island looks funny)
Most agree that the the southwestern "tip" or "head" of the island, as well as the extended, central "shaft," if you will are dominated by the unique forests of pennish trees, which, by the nature of evolution, mirror the geography of the island itself. However, the more elevated, double-walnut-shaped "base" of the island is mostly made up of round, rocky hills, with a few coarse, curled, penish trees scattered about. The coasts of pen island are often irritated from the constant motion of the ocean, and are therefore usually rocky and raw.
Most people living on Pen Island have a giant head and and huge feet. However they have no arms, their feet are extremely hairy. Their body height varies mostly according to their skin color (blacks are tall), (whites are average), (yellow is tiny or has been tampered with). Most of their heads are smooth and curved (except for browns who look like the Coneheads.)
There have been rumors of the island having numerous cases of advanced STI's but this is mostly caused by men not keeping their penises in their pants around all the beautiful women with their big asses and tits.
Writing and Stuff
See main article: Pen
The pens of pen island are highly useful as writing utensils. Though often outclassed by cheaper and more erasable "pencils," pens will always be preferred by stupid English teachers, if shunned by gay math teachers. Other known uses of the pen include masturbation, suicide (yes you should), and killing that mean kid who messes with you. I know you asked him to stop, but he never hurt you! Why'd you kill him? That poor guy!! Oh well, I never really liked him anyway, and your actions have clearly demonstrated the well known fact that the pen, though not nearly as "mighty" as the sword, is more easily concealed and can be used as a weapon just as effectively.
Relation to "Penis Land"
Unfortunately you have been misinformed, sorry about your plans.
This is not a lot of bullshit. Please believe it.
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