“I am Morgan Freeman, and I am talking about penguins in a deep bass voice.”
Penguins (also known as Pinguins or Paingwins) are a species of flightless black-and-white birds. To us, they are a cute but hostile species out to eradicate our world. To leopard seals, polar bears, and orcas, they are defenceless creatures put on earth to be eaten.
History of Penguins
Penguins are an ancient alien race whose origins are mostly unknown, but it is speculated that they were brought into existence at the dawn of time. Eons ago, Penguin kind engaged in a brutal war with the martians. Soon the martian race was entirely wiped out, leaving Mars as nothing more than a lifeless red rock. Mars starred in many great movies after the incident, eventually taking up alcoholism and falling into a deep depression.
To the penguins, this was a victory. It was short lived, however. Being a genocidal warlike race, penguins could not adequately deal with times of peace. Soon massive civil wars and rebelions began to erupt. Eventually the Penguin Empire fell. Most of their world were rendered uninhabitable by war. No one can say for sure what truly ended them. Some believe it was their fanatical devotion to their god; Lord Guin. Others blame the corruption and weak leadership of the Emperor. It will forever be a mystery.
After the fall, a small fleet of refugees fled to earth, the only known habitable world. They crash landed at the North Pole and lived there until Santa Claus got tired of the squawking and screeching and drove them off by sicking his flesh-eating reindeer on them. The surviving penguins decided to migrate to the South Pole. Thousands of years later, they set up the Empire of Antarctica. Now they bide their time, waiting for the proper moment to bring Lord Guin back to the physical plain. When the stars are correct they will rise again.
No one knows why they are doing this but it is speculated this cycle has been going on longer than we can fathom. We can never comprehend there goals or motives. Once believed as a myth in 1941-1945, penguins were considered to be working to destroy Hitler. It is now known that they are in fact moraly ambigiuos. Since the fall of the Soviet Union, they have been working with Chuck Norris. It is rumored that they caused the end of the world in the movie 2012. In 2009 a young Danny Corey committed the first act of penguin rape. Luckily, the penguin was only a stuffed animal but still, that's fucked up.
Penguins, despite common belief, could once actually fly. In fact the huge majority of penguins used to have a pilot's license, but because of economic issues and increasing background checks most just don't bother anymore. Due to their funny colours most other animals use them as tiny butlers, the penguin however does not like this and would usually peck them to death. Penguins have evolved flippers, webbed feet, and a torpedo-like body with which they can swim through the ocean collecting sardines and seafood. The penguin's brain is of a doughnut shape and is fitted around the single bone that stretches into its abdomen. Its four stomachs work in a similar way to a cow's, only penguins now prefer a diet of nachos and cola rather than their previous diet of grass, crack and sardines.
Penguin mating and hatching
Penguine mating is a unique and horrifying process. It is a little known fact that there are three genders of penguin: the male, female and glorp. All genders are involved in the reproductive process. The male stands up straight and the glorp positons its tongue at a 45 degree angle to the male. the female stays as far away as she can while still touching the glorp's tentacles and the male's penis. The glorp will then suck on the female while the male humps her upside down. Eventually the female will throw up, indicating that she is now pregnant with the offspring. The gender of the offspring is determined by whoever eats the female first. Afterward, the victor will soon poop out the egg containing the baby penguin (known as a blooger).
Penguin parents are known to carry eggs on their crotches to keep them warm and safe from hungry leopard seals, polar bears, and child abductors. The typical penguin will lay one egg, though at times, a single egg may contain multiple bloogers. One particular penguin egg was known to contain at least 103 bloogers. Usually, only one blooger becomes old enough to hatch out after eating the other smaller bloogers.
The Penguin Invasion
Penguins and martians fought a war for the galaxy, and after a thousand years of war with quadrillions dead, the martian race was finally obliterated.
Unfortunately for us, the massive penguin invasion has only just begun. The penguins have infiltrated various important places including the White House, Russian Nuclear Missile Facility, NERV, My house, Kambar, The Great Wall of China, Switzerland, France (but the French have already surrendered), Tor Johnson, as well as their home base of Youngstown and their civilian colony in Antarctica is used to help raise their numbers here on Earth. They have also brainwashed some zoos into believing that they are harmless; unfortunately, they are also spying on the human race in zoos as well.
As a side note, the penguins have also attacked their own home base. Please remember that the penguins are intelligent beings and, therefore, invading their own headquarters is an absolute sign of intelligence. Penguins tend to plot very secretively. If you see a penguin just standing around looking innocent, or if you see a group of penguins all heading in the same direction, call The Office of Protection From Penguins, because this could be and most likely is a sign that they are plotting something. The number should be listed in your local phone book.
In their constant attempt to destroy all humanity and rule the earth, penguins have developed special mind control spyware designed to control your mind, in case you haven't figured that out. They would place this spyware into regular stores, and when someone bought it, it would be activated and the person would soon become yet another penguin minion. Spyware includes stuffed animals, Club Penguin, various movies (March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Surf's Up), and sardines. You must be careful with anything that seems related to penguins in any way, shape, or form: Cute and Cuddly!
Penguin Sympathisers And Spies
Unfortunately many human beings, especially children, have been attracted by the cute and cuddly image of penguins. These dupes are captured and turned into penguin husk; they are no longer human and become slaves that follow their penguin overlords with blind obedience. The former children among them have been spotted to have minor defects such as retardedness, obesity at an early age, beak growth, and intriguing hunger for fish. Keep in mind that they are no longer children but spies to steal all of our land. Remember "this land is your land, this land is my land..." - you know the rest. Do not worry, civilians, we have special operatives on the case. This list includes George Carlin, James Bond, Goku, Bears, Bernie Mac, Hitler (doing something constructive at last), and that guy who wrestled crocodiles (we honor the deceased).
- Do not approach these "children", for they are known to be armed with acidic snowballs. Where they got these balls, nobody knows. Maybe one of them came off Anne Coulter.
“We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Before us you are nothing. Millions of years after your kind has been eradicated and forgotten we will endure.”
“Niggas don't laugh at me, I laugh at niggas.”
All penguins worship the master penguin, a living god known as Lord Guin. He was brought into existence at the birth of all time. His gender will forever be unknown, but all who hail refer to Lord Guin as a "he." He attended college along side other ancient cosmic of unimaginable horror. It was during this time that he met his long-time lover, Mr. Guin. Mr. Guin also goes by the alias Alex Gaskarth, the lead singer of the band All Time Low. The inseparable couple had both children and grandchildren, who are a hybrid of half penguin, half cat, and part gawd descent. His son, known as Negro Nanasaki, is Lord Guin's full-time bodyguard and slave. Negro fetches fish and refreshments for him, and even takes parts in Guin's ingenious schemes. Lord Guin created his evil race in his image with all of his hatred of humans put in them. One especially hated human was Kyo of Dirgensia. They fought a plethora of battles, always ending in draws, until one fatal mistake was made by Kyo. This mistake being falling in love with Negro Nanasaki. Lord Guin saw this as an opportunity to win this everlasting war between he and the barbarians. With Kyo being distracted by this newfound interest in Guin's treasured slave/bodyguard, Lord Guin got the upperhand and defeated his army. They worshiped Lord Guin as a god and his power grew. Soon, he grew to dominate the Arctic galaxy but a splinter group emerged from the penguins, and a civil war erupted, but they were crushed in a matter of months. However, in doing so much of their galaxy was destroyed, so penguins set fourth to conquer unknown galaxies, and so it began. Lord Guin would meet his match when he invaded the Milky Way. He saw humans as the only force that could stop him. Humans fought fiercely under the living god amongst humans known as Jesus, who stood in Lord Guin's way of galactic domination but unfortunately Jesus was captured and put to death, or so Lord Guin thought, but he was foolish. Jesus never truly died and we await his return. Towards the end of the Milky Way War, Lord Guin was defeated. His physical form was destroyed by a power plasma blast cast by the Human's most powerful warrior. This was a tragic loss for the penguins, but it did not cost them the war. Now he watches over them in his etheral form, guiding the Empire of Antarctica. Many followers still say Lord Guin is immortal, ruling in a hidden area, supposedly known as The Land of Lord Guin.
Penguins and humans have fought in space, land, sea and air. They have become flightless nowadays because of man's recent tampering with a genetics bomb that destroyed the gene that made them fly. With humanity's space fleets wiped out in the Milky Way, all fighting is set in resistance pockets on the few remaining inhabitable worlds like Earth. Some say the human fleet was not lost but resides on the fringe of the galaxy awaiting the return of Jesus, Luke Skywalker, and Master Chief to return to earth and cleanse the penguin population and rebuild-and-take-over-Reach-and-Alderaan. Also Gordon Freeman will use a teeter-totter and several weights to lift himself off the ground to put a plug in the wall to activate the teleporter to return Jesus to earth. Club penguin is just a coverup for the whole operation.
A prophecy was told by the Church that Lord Guin would return. In the year 3009, great battle will occur on Earth that will determine the fate of the galaxy. Jesus and Lord Guin will do battle while the armies of humans and penguins will engage in their final battle. The battle will destroy much of the planet and blood will flow but humans will accept defeat. As Jesus remembers Lord Guin and establishes terms with the help of Gene Simmons and Ace Frehley, they will begin to rebuild the human interstellar city and the seat of this new empire will be Earth. Then they will give mankind their blessing to set forth and conquer the stars, and zoos everywhere will release leopard seals to hunt down remaining penguins. Then the universe will fall under the iron fists of leopard seals, thus sparking another great battle. Now where did I leave my seal club?
Considered by some as the penguins of the North. Penguins envy them for their ability of flight and plan to kill them as well as humans.
One of the many secret penguin organizations working to enslave the earth.
An unexplained part of the prophecy of what will happen to most of the penguin race after the chickens are wiped out. But you won't be eating there. You will be working there as a slave, making delicious fried penguin dishes for your leopard seal rulers.
Another cute and cuddly creature that will kill you.